Yesterday I wrote about what it’s like to try to settle with someone who turned out not to be who they claimed to be. There’s so much wrong about this statement that I’m not sure where to begin. Let’s go back in time again and revisit how there even became a Mr. Toss Salad, an Elijah, and a Phoenix. For all the men reading this, please truly take it to heart. I’m actually speaking from my experience. You see…he (the Ex Factor) left me uncovered. There I was…a woman with my heart open loving a man who was not loving me (in deeds nor words). In a way I went through something similar with Julio except he could say the L word and when he wanted to be…he was all about love and commitment. But Julio used things against me from the past to keep us trapped in time. As he got older, he just got more bitter and last we spoke in January 2016…nothing had change. For the record, I don’t think Julio’s current bitterness has anything to do with me. I think it’s from heartaches and disappointments from all his relationships but only he knows for sure why. ENTER PHOENIX: Phoenix arrived on the scene in 2004 to fill a gap. To be the friend, lover, and supporter Julio could never be to me. That was the birth of Phoenix. ?Men, women have needs and despite what you think…there’s always someone there to meet those needs. Phoenix and I may not being seeing eye to eye lately but I’m a better person for having known him. He would go on to hold me when I hadn’t been held in years, touch me in caring ways, and support me and my career in a way no other man has ever had. And I’m forever grateful for him…no matter how messy his life can be at times. Phoenix never left me uncovered and never brought any of his mess to my door. And thank goodness for that!?? For years, Phoenix did the job of all the men who would come into my life and fail me…the Ex Factor was no different….he would end up failing me more times than Julio! With both Mr. Toss Salad and Elijah I was not looking nor wanting a new relationship after leaving my years of situationship with the Ex Factor. Believe it or not…I almost never go searching for a new relationship. The devil always brings one by…right on time too. ENTER MR.TOSS SALAD: My emotional state when Mr. Toss Salad entered my life in full force was one of vulnerability and insecurity. My heart was in such a bad condition that my eyes could not see past it. I felt used, neglected, abused, and left on the side of the road with my dying heart. Essentially, I felt uncovered by a man who (at that point in time), I had loved with every bit of me for two years. I’m sure to Mr. Toss Salad, it was the opportunity he was waiting for…for over a decade…to catch me naked and uncovered by a man that was suppose to deeply care about me. So there I was…walking around in life with a strong outer shell but a broken inner shell. And I let it happen. I allowed myself to fall deeper and deeper in love with a man that may never be able to love me the way I need to be. I allowed it. And I’m sure most of us have been there. Naked and uncovered. That’s how Mr. Toss Salad was able to get me…there just wouldn’t have been any other way. So when Mr. Toss Salad would hold me for hours with no end in sight…even though he wasn’t my type, I didn’t want to date him, and I wasn’t physically attracted to him…he did the one thing the Ex Factor never did (to this day)…he clothed me with care, attention, support, laughter, prioritized me, and made me feel like a Queen. Mr. Toss Salad attempted to cover me. That was the birth of Mr. Toss Salad. ? I will never say I’m grateful for this experience because the Kingston that was with Mr. Toss Salad just wasn’t in her right damn mind but I did take one positive thing away from it…I’m meant to be cherished and treated like the Queen I am. ENTER ELIJAH: When Elijah approached me…I had just been crying and praying on my subway ride to work. ? I had hoped God would deliver me from the heartache that was inflicted on me. Then out of nowhere there was Elijah…standing tall and proud…ready to cover me. That’s why I named him Elijah (hope) because that’s what he brought to me…hope. It took me 3 weeks to think over his proposition and during that time, I searched in my heart to see if there was anything worth staying for with the Ex Factor. FYI I’ve decided that there’s no need to give him a new name. If he is still who he was when he received that name in my blog…then he shouldn’t get a new name. So until I truly see some next level shit…the Ex Factor works.✌?️Phoenix is the only person who has two names (Baltimore and Phoenix). Baltimore is his real life nick name but Phoenix is the name I gave him in this blog…because he’s just that complicated!?? But now I’m really getting off course. While Elijah and I didn’t work out, I’m very grateful for all the lessons he taught me and I pray he is happy with a basic woman (hey that’s how he described his ideal woman…I’m not hating. Lol). For the men that are still reading and are trying to understand what it’s like to leave a woman who loves you naked and uncovered: it’s like being beaten a million times. Burned alive. Road kill. Broken. Bruised. Feeling like the world’s joke. Unappreciated. Used. Degraded. Disrespected. Violated by someone you were suppose to be able to trust. And then left alive for your heart to continuously tell the story of your living death. That’s the best way I can describe being a woman left naked and uncovered by the man she truly loves. Now do you understand why Phoenix has been such a permanent fixture in my life?! He was needed…~KJM saying times like this I wish I could pick up the phone and call Phoenix on Temptation Tuesday. Maybe reliving these emotions before they have fully healed was just too much… If you were a woman left naked and uncovered by the man you loved…please write me…whether you guys made it or not. I could use some support.?
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