This was meant to be a Serenity weekend post but so much has happened in the last week. My family and I have been through a great ordeal but by the grace of God we are celebrating my Dad’s birthday today! ???? God is good all the time! ?? In the midst of my thankfulness, I stepped outside of my own fears and sorrow and acknowledged how wonderful it was to just stand in a place of gratefulness instead of holding on to painful moments. My family and I looked past all the pain and uncertainty and we banded together in a way we never have in my entire 35 years of living! But GOD IS ABLE so it’s not all that surprising. When I’m ready, I will blog in detail about this time period. For now…let’s switch gears and see where we are with forgiveness. I don’t know about you but I STRUGGLE WITH FORGIVENESS! While I’m fully aware that forgiveness is for me, it’s so hard for my heart and mind to let go of hurt. I’ve held onto things that occurred in my childhood and have held them against my mother. And Lord knows I’m always having a hard time looking pass the way the Ex Factor has hurt me. Both of these people are so deep in my heart but unfortunately that makes the hurts and disappointments bigger. What makes matters worse is neither of them have grown up enough to take ANY accountability for their actions. So that leaves me with the bags of hurt to carry on my own and boy does it weigh me down! There I am hurt and they just look at me like I created this world of pain by myself. ? Now I cannot really tackle things with my mother in this post. Gonna just leave that for future therapy sessions because childhood wounds do not heal easily. But I can openly tell you how I struggle with forgiveness with the Ex Factor. Right now we are just trying to rebuild our friendship. It was my idea and he agreed but through that agreement he has said some of the most terrible things anyone has ever said to me! To add insult to injury, he does not feel he’s being cruel nor that he is the wrong!!! Now I would be the first to tell you to walk away from anyone who takes no accountability for anything. Those are some dangerous human beings because no matter what…everything will be your fault and your fault only. ? Matter of fact my mother has never said sorry to any for anything in the years I’ve been alive. On the other hand, the Ex Factor will utter sorry to shut me up but it’s really an “I’m sorry you feel that way” kind of I’m sorry! ? Frustrating and disgusting behavior but…I digress. I cannot control them. I can only control myself. So in the last week, I tried very hard not to lose my shit on the Ex Factor especially since my family and I were under so much stress. Of course, one morning I woke up feeling like I could slap the piss out of him and make him drink it up! ? That’s how hard he has been pushing me! After losing it for a moment, I caught myself, regrouped, and put the focus back on my family. Throughout the weekend, I kept meditating on forgiveness. Some people are able to find the strength in forgiveness and the courage to allow it to consume their soul instead of contempt. I AM NOT THERE YET but I am trying. I try to remember the good times and the way he treated me in our early years of knowing each other. Also, I keep reminding myself of the GOLDEN RULE OF LOVE: do not hurt the one you love for it will come back to you tenfolds. Your heart is some how connected to that person even if the love is not returned…so by hurting them…you are essentially hurting yourself too! Deep! So I took a step back and tried to “first do no harm” but lawd it is so not easy. I’m stepping in and outside of myself…trying to be true to myself and my feelings while working on realizing that FORGIVENESS IS NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS! ?? Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness!!! It’s worth repeating until my heart and my mind get on the same page with forgiveness. Where are you with forgiveness? Do you struggle too? ~KJM on Charm School Monday.
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