It was the thing I could never bring myself to actually say. The thing that haunted me day and night. The feeling that I could not escape. It was suffocating at times. Wanting to be desired and loved by him and only him openly and honestly. I wanted to scream….I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME…but for some reason stating that I had a need was difficult for me. Saying that Superwoman had needs is acknowledging that she is HUMAN and she needs what other humans need. She needs to know that the man she loves…loves her. She needed to know he will secure her and their future. Superwoman needed to know that he could turn into HER Superman in moments when she’s weak. She needed to know that he would always be there for her and that she was a priority in his life. Even if he verbally expressed these things…SHE NEEDED TO FEEL IT. The Ex Factor is the only man that has ever made me feel undesirable and I’m NOT talking sexually…which I think was a point of contention for us. Because he is highly attracted to me and loves our sex life…he thinks that that shows he desires me. Meanwhile…I wanted him to show me that my heart was desired. Any random man on the street can say he sexually desires me. That shit don’t mean nothing. To be a sex object that is. When you love a man…you want so much more from him. I am signaling to him that I just want him and only him. No other man desiring me will do…on any level. Yet all he did was focus on HIS short comings which left ME feeling insecure. He made me feel like I was just too much of a woman for him. Let me be clear…I did not fall in love with his potential….I fell in love with the potential of what we could be if we built together. In the beginning, I felt so desired. I had never been on such a high from a man providing things my soul needed. What little the Ex Factor had…he was willing to share with me. That vision of whatever we have we will share with each other kept me going. For most of the first two years of dating, no matter the hardships I faced in my life…I knew that he was with me. There was a time he was my Superman. Please do not let him tell you differently. There was a time he was my prince in the making of a king. My heart was his. I had unexpectedly given away my heart to one of the most unlikely men. But I have to accept that we have both changed and my Superman is not coming back. That is the hardest thing…letting go of what was and accepting what will never be. I loved though….as hard as I could and I prayed….as much as I could. Yet the results were the same….I felt suffocated by my own loneliness…even with the Ex Factor laying right next to me. I needed to be LOVED and I just did not FEEL loved. At least, I can finally say it now. ~KJM doing some reflection on Temptation Tuesday. ?
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