Rain drop after rain drop….in the midst of the storm…one could still see the pieces of my brokenness floating everywhere. At the center of my brokenness was…lies of my past. Things I had told myself for the last 7 years to get through…only to find that I had wasted my own time and helped break my own heart…repeatedly. Do not feel sorry for me…for I did this to myself. The warning signs appeared when I was 3 months in but I chose to stick it out and believe there was a soul in the eyes of a liar. I did that. I broke my own heart. I am no victim of my circumstances. The signs were there. But I chose to believe…hoping God could change this one thing. It was not written in the stars and though I breathe a sigh of relief…my heart still aches. There is no soul in the eyes of a liar. Only darkness. Remember that. Remember the aching. Remember the continuous embarrassments. Remember the toxicity of all. TOXIC. That sums up the last 7 years. Still…as the storm approached…something amazing happened. Each night, I would dream of new love and then awaken to a yearning for it. I dreamt of true understanding, respect, and trust. I dreamt of him being my best friend….no because it was cliche to say so but because after all I had been through…he understood me with just one look. He is a spiritual man but not overly religious. And his eyes are truly kind. He would be the first man to come along that would focus only on building and not tearing down what’s left of my heart. Even in insecure moments…just a glance from him would calm my spirit. I dreamt of new love. The kind of earth shattering love that would reinforce my belief in true love. This kind of love would make me believe in the unthinkable and for once in my life…I would not be afraid. No need to fear his kind eyes for he is not after my body. He’s come only for my heart. That’s the kind of man I dreamt of. And just when I thought it was just a dream….Autumn told me that she dreamt my daughter and she said we were happy. Autumn told me the dream was so vivid that she could not keep it from me. And though the man she dreamt was not the man with the kind eyes that I yearn for…I felt reassured that new love was in fact on its way. My daughter was dressed in lavender with a bow in her head and we were happy. That’s exactly the color I would have put her in had I had the courage to dream my baby. I feel so close now. Close to new love. Close to holding my baby…whose father would be the only man I was saving my womb for. He would have the strength to help me heal my broken pieces. And for that…I will provide him with a lifetime of love and family. Perhaps that’s what my brokenness taught me…to appreciate every happy moment and to never take love for granted. I dreamt of new love and even in the midst of my brokenness and tears…I have faith that the rain will wash away my pain. And at the precise moment that the sun breaks away from the clouds…I will stand tall and say…I STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE! ?? Love is in fact on its way. I feel it. ~KJM feeling hopeful on Flashback Friday??
Recent Comments