Serenity and peace cannot be found when we try to control the universe. I had to learn this lesson the hard way this week. The “unexpected small bump in the road” from earlier this week…unbeknownst to me at the time…was created by…ME! Sigh…starting over with someone you tried to make it work with is not easy. There I am in my car purposely looking for other cars that are getting too close to me….so that I can block them before I even know if they are really trying to crash into me! I accidentally laid an emotional trap for the Ex Factor and I’m the one that suffered for it. I’m going against everything I stand for by letting my heart rule instead of my mind. Every now and then my mind gets in the driver’s seat and gets me into trouble. I have to TRUST that he is trying and I have to TRUST that he will be good to me. It’s crazy because my brother,Junior, has this unwavering faith in the Ex Factor and I. Junior often tells me to fall back and have faith. I’m not sure I even know how to do that. I didn’t have these trust issues with Elijah because we had no history together so I could easily see where it was going with very little fear. And when it wasn’t working, I could easily walk away knowing that he wasn’t my home. The Ex Factor and I are on another level. To love him…to hate him…only to love him again….he is my heart string. Hurting him will hurt me ten times more. Learned that the hard way too over the last 6 years. Sigh…I hope y’all realize that I’m a work in progress too! It’s a day to day process….living, laughing, and loving. And I’m really trying not to be that frightened driver just learning to drive again after a terrible accident. I want to take road trips and be able to let the breeze run through my hair with a sense of feeling happy and with the ability to soak up life. I want to be able to love freely without fear. And I need to continue to believe God is in control. HIS plan is far greater than mine. So I need to relax and not create the small bumps in the road. If I continue to create these bumps I will block my own blessings! And you know how I feel about that! Time to just breathe and relax. That’s true serenity! FYI if you are wondering why I still blog about the Ex Factor even though he is now my present…it’s because this blog started with me transitioning from him, venturing out…only to figure out I love him more now than ever. It wasn’t an easy decision and I’m not sure how he will feel about these blogs but I just couldn’t leave you guys hanging! So you are still on this ride with me. Though I’m careful to not reveal what the bumps in the road are. After all…it is OUR road and some parts of the journey should just belong to us. Be patient with me. I’m terrified and I’m a mess but is it ever easy to hand over your entire heart to someone? To my great love, I say “ Hold, hold on, hold onto me ‘Cause I’m a little unsteady A little unsteady Hold, hold on, hold onto me ‘Cause I’m a little unsteady A little unsteady.” ~KJM taking a breath on Serenity Saturday. Shout out to Junior, Willow, Grace, and Toi for being there when I indicted I needed to be uplifted. My village is tiny but as I’ve said before I can’t do this alone! Peace, love, and blessings to you all on this 4th of July weekend!?
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