He disagrees with MY feelings. In the last 6.5 years, I had heard some variation of this sentence. Nothing I ever did nor said would feel valuable. He would always disagree with MY feelings. And so began my disappearance. Piece by piece and bit by bit…and with it my self worth was under attack. I would begin to wonder if I was too needy, too whiny, too anxious, and all too much the things his words and actions accused me of. Was I this crazy emotional woman that made a big deal about everything? I couldn’t be sure so I tried to recollect every piece of myself…started to hunt down the pieces I had lost in our casualties of wars…also known as arguments and heartbreak hotel to me. Where had I disappeared to? Would it even bother him to know that I’m crying for the second day in a row because of him. Yes I’m actually crying as I write this. Yet he is focused on the fact that he disagrees with MY feelings. How could one disagree with another’s feelings? I have the right to feel how I naturally feel. We can disagree on how one acts out their feelings but their right to have those feelings is…innate. Could he not understand this? I tried and tried so hard to explain it to him yet he stood by his stance…his right to disagree with MY feelings. ‘One day when you meet a woman you love, care for, and respect…you will understand where I am coming from,’ I said. He replied…“if this was my wife or my girlfriend…I would still tell her to get over it!” And there it was…the ugly truth…that this man did not love, care for, nor respect me. I’ve just been a vessel to him and vessels aren’t allowed feelings! It all made sense now….why he disagreed with MY feelings…I’m not a person to him. I am just his vessel…a place he dumps on…I hold things…but no real emotions are allowed. I said this earlier this year and even at some parts of last year…I am not the one for the Ex Factor. And I now know that he…like ALL the boys in my past…was not the one for me. I’m not the crazy insecure woman he gets annoyed with….I’m just not the woman he loves, cares for, nor respects. I am just a vessel. An object. Something that does not deserve to FEEL. I am not a woman deserving of love and understanding and that is why he disagrees with MY feelings. ~KJM blogging in real time on Flashback Friday. FYI the two definitions of a VESSEL that I found was 1. A ship or large boat and 2. A hollow container, especially one used to hold liquid, such as a bowl or cask. Definition 2 is how I believe the Ex Factor views me. ?
You better run from him. He is entitled to feel the way he does just like you but its not meshing at all. You stay with him this will be your future of crying and being upset because he won’t look into your concerns. You will be fighting a never ending battle. He needs someone who lacks feelings almost like a man but is a woman he has that forever chill mood like a Gabrielle Union but no feelings almost robotic and thats not most people and its not you
I know and that’s why I’m laying here crying…truth hurts