HAPPY

There was a time I use to watch him sleep…for hours. It was one of my greatest joys to have him laying next to me. Listening to his heartbeats as I tried hard not to wake him. There was a time I would purposely awaken him because I could no longer stand being awake while he was still sleeping. There was a time I wanted him with me always. It was a time that I was HAPPY. We would cuddle at night and whisper in the mornings. Whispers would turn into giggles and almost everyday he would tell me how HAPPY he was. Two lovers joined together for years….sharing moments of joy and excitements. From snow storms to spring rains to hot summer days…we would sneak away from the world because we were HAPPY. HAPPY! It sounds like such a distant concept now. But there was a time we were….HAPPY. I use to feel so guilty for being so HAPPY when others were going through major heartbreaks. I wish I could go back in time and face that guilt by telling the younger version of myself that relationships go through stages and it was my time to be HAPPY. No need to feel guilty for difficult times would visit two lovers. Hard times would find us and then the thought of being HAPPY…would seem so foreign. I still remember some of those days but mostly the memories of the difficult times haunt me. But we were HAPPY. That was not a dream. It was real. My lover and I were…in fact…real. Late nights and early mornings of making love. Date nights filled with movies and dinners he picked out. I laid in my lover’s arms and I felt wanted. Wanted. Even that’s an unfathomable word. Nights of overlooking the Hudson River while kissing each other passionately. We were HAPPY. When your moments of happiness come along…can you do me a favor? Never question it….just enjoy it because it won’t last forever. There will be ups and downs. Whenever someone asks me why I have hung in there for so long….I will tell them that once I was HAPPY with the Ex Factor and there isn’t a day I don’t wish that HAPPINESS will revisit again. In love, we can’t just wish for the happy moments….we must embrace the pain too. Love is made up of it all. I was HAPPY to the point that no word could fully describe my emotions during that time period. And I will be HAPPY in love again. ~KJM reminiscing on Serenity Saturday.