Awaiting BOAZ, Moses, Elijah, Jonah, Abraham, or David Letter 11 (The Anger Edition)

Awaiting BOAZ Letter 10 “What if God does not send me a BOAZ” received such a huge outpouring of support that I was not sure how I would follow up that letter. It had taken me 10 months to realize that there was a good chance God was not sending me a BOAZ. At first I did not know how to feel about that. But now after assessing my open wound (of 7 years) and listening to the judgmental things people say when I tell them my story (it comes with the territory of being a blogger)….I realized that I’m angry with God. I’m angry for all the negative things that occurred in my childhood that made me swear off marriage and children at the age of 5. God allowed me to see and experience things (second hand) that a 5 year old never should have. I am angry that because of that promise to my 5 year old self, my grown up self aimed to avoid commitments and getting close to a man. I am angry that when things got rough over the years, I learned to run and never stay and fight. I am angry that when I finally stayed (because I was exhausted from running) and fought for what I thought I wanted…I felt ill equipped. I did not know what to pray for. Some days I would pray you (God) would touch the Ex Factor’s heart and make him be good to me. Other days, I would pray that you get me out of this mess and that I never return to the land of brokenness. I am angry that you allowed me to waste 7 years of my life…stuck emotionally in limbo…that even the years that I had physically left the Ex Factor…I was still trapped mentally. Mostly, I am angry that you did not give me enough strength Labor Day weekend 2010 to allow my entire heart to break all at once so I could let…something that was meant for only a season…go. I regret that so much. I am angry about the tears I cried publicly and privately over the last 7 years. The thing that makes me the most angry with you (God) is that you allowed me to fall in love with someone that you had to have known would not care for my heart. My self esteem took hit after hit and after a while that feeling left me feeling overwhelmed and as a result…I started to retaliate at the Ex Factor…bitter words for bitter words…that none of us of could ever forget nor ever forgive. I am so angry at you Lord. This has all been too much for me to handle. And even after all I’ve been through, I’m still so unsure. The one thing I figured out is it isn’t love this situation killed for I had no hopes about loving a person romantically… what died was my TRUST. Even with all I had been through with nameless other guys and my rough years with Julio…I still had the ability to trust myself and to trust others. And I just do not know how trust will ever revisit me again. Before I was fearful of love but now I walk away terrified. You allowed that Lord. So even though I may have accepted the fact that you are not sending me a BOAZ…there’s a level of doubt that you are sending me a Moses, Elijah, Jonah, Abraham, or David. If you had not awakened my love…7 years ago (almost to the day) then I would never have had to go through any of these things. So yes I am angry and I’m not sure what I’m awaiting. Hopefully a life where all this heartbreak is left behind. A life, that even if lived solo as I requested when I was 5, that makes me a better (and not broken) person for all I have been through… ~KJM is still so unsure on Serenity Sunday. Please do not judge me…because we have all been in a dark place that we aren’t sure how to get out of. My prayers are still not specific and the heartbreak and emptiness….especially when the Ex Factor is around…is so evident….