It’s time to go…I heard a voice say. I stood there…frozen in time…but I was not numb. There were tears rolling down my cheeks. I…was feeling…this moment. Could not escape it by heading to the land of numbness. I had to be aware of it so that I fully understood where and why I was leaving. Time to go…I heard the voice say once again. And so I began to cry. Why now…I wondered. There were so many other times I had prepared myself for it. Now this moment was swallowing me up…silently. My tears flew freely but no sound could found from my voice. I stood there…still frozen in time. Asking God why me and why now? Then the voice spoke again…‘No happiness can be found here. He will never understand nor appreciate how special you are!’ I cried and cried…not because I had to leave the place I had fought so hard for in the last six and half years…but because I knew deep down inside that it was true. Around October 2012, the Ex Factor lost his ability to make me happy. Sure there would be temporary glimpses of happiness over the next few years but nothing to sustain my heart. I would briefly smile and then find myself running off to cry. He…would essentially…be the memory of sorrow for me. I…would remember…and cry. Mourn how hard I tried and he always left me feeling less than. Deep down inside, I know that how people treat other people is more of a reflection of how they feel about themselves…and less about the person they are trying to break into two. But my heart could not help but feel abandoned. I had walked away so many times…only to end up right back where I left off. And to add insult to injury…I have been lonely. The only loneliness I have ever known…is not when I am truly alone (that’s my comfort zone)…it’s when I love a man who does not treat me with the utmost respect and care that I deserve. Julio and the Ex Factor were by far the worst for my self esteem. My other men may have not been right for me but I was always treated like a queen by them…all except for the two I actually loved. So here I am…still frozen in time…only now I feel like the air is thin and I cannot breathe. I feel stuck…trapped and so unhappy. Truth be told, these last two months that I have not seen the Ex Factor in person has been the happiest I have been in the last two years. We speak almost daily but I do not have to fear him breaking my heart again for I have kept him at a distance…where I can truly see him as he is. I fell in love with the man he never was. The uniqueness I had once seen in his eyes…has become quite common. In his mind, he was happiness but my mind, body, and spirit knew different…he can never be anything but misery. ‘Time to go,’ the voice said again. I slowly gathered my things and stopped crying. No idea where I am headed next but had finally accepted that…the Ex Factor will never be able to prove to me…that he is happiness. And so I start my journey…a little bruised and a little broken…but with hope in my heart. You see…I believe GOD IS ABLE and HE and ONLY HE can turn any situation around. The thing is…I don’t believe HE wants to. Perhaps I was suppose to take the hard road to true love so that I will never look back at what could have been. I know what was. It was filled with tears and misery and that’s how I would remember it. And so now more than ever…I await BOAZ… As my soulmate, I will never have to ask BOAZ to prove to me that he is happiness…because it will be felt in just the way he looks at me…the way he holds me. BOAZ won’t be buying time with me until he gets to where he is going. I will be everything to BOAZ and he will be everything to me. And if you are wondering what I have held on to that I have given no other man…that will be just for BOAZ…it’s an everlasting love and trust that I have never known any other man to deserve. He will be MY FIRST and MY ONLY for so many things. BOAZ will be all that and more….because that’s GOD’s promise to me. And HE IS AN ON TIME GOD! ?? So I start my journey…hoping to never look back. And I faithfully await BOAZ…hoping he is preparing for me as I am preparing for him… ~KJM is keeping the FAITH on Charm School Monday❤ With the Ex Factor and I…you never really know when the real end will come. However, there is something so profound about where we are right now….that my happiness is at its highest when he is not around…and I want to stay happy! ??
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