I am sitting at the edge of reason…clinging to my sanity. Yet he does not see nor hear me. I am sitting at the edge of reason…losing all hope and feeling like I’m “losing my religion” literally and figuratively! Yup…like I’m in the 90’s R.E.M. music video!!! It is so frustrating to pray on something every day…for years…feeling like your prayers have gone unanswered. I wave at him…thinking he has to see me….sitting here on this corner with my suitcase filled with fears, sorrows, and regrets. Yet he looks past me! I am sitting at the edge of reason but now I’m yelling. And cursing….because…like…how could he not see me?! The way my voice travels…how is it possible that he cannot hear me?! I am trying and trying so hard to desperately be validated by someone who does not notice I’m even here. Just a few feet away from him. Asking him to love me. Asking him to understand me. Hell….just asking him to look up from whatever the f*ck he is currently doing! Cause…like…I’m right here….drowning at the edge of reason. How the hell is that even possible? To drown at the edge of reason while sitting on a f*cking corner?! There’s no water out here. Not a lake nor ocean in sight. Don’t even see a damn pool! Yet I am drowning at the edge of reason! And guess what?! I have no clue how I got here? Woke up one day and was just sitting here….with all my hard shit (fears, sorrows, and regrets) in my suitcase. Didn’t even pack a pair of good heels?! Just on this damn corner clinging to my sanity. Do you know how frustrating it is to try to get someone to see you as you truly are…yet they refuse?! Complete madness!!!! Maybe they refuse to see the real me because if they took a good look at the picture before them….the shit would not be rosey… it would be a hot f*cking mess?! I had heard of women from generations before me sitting at the edge of reason but I never once thought I would be them. You see…I know how to express myself. I know who I am…for the most part…and I’ve never allowed myself to not be seen before. Shit…all I know how to do is appear! Strut my stuff. Show you that I am here….far from the edge of reason. More like in a garden of tranquil peace filled with the essence of my inner being. Yup….that’s me. Dancing on lilacs at sunset and kissing white roses at dawn. My garden! My beautiful garden. Reason has no place in my garden for in there…I can just be myself. Does not matter if I’m a different self every day or every year. My flowers blossom with dreams and hopes. Reason, once again, has no place here because the mind does not operate nor own my garden. It is my spirit that makes the sunrise and it is my soul that quietly welcomes the moonlight. Yet somehow I have allowed myself to abandon my garden….and now I’m sitting at the edge of f*cking reason! Hair unkept. Eyes tired from not sleeping. A tear stained T-shirt on. When the f*ck did I start wearing T-shirt’s outside of my home?! My goodness….this edge of reason shit got me slipping. Just like all the women before me. Waiting to be seen and heard from their damn gravesites! This cannot be my life. I cannot continue to sit on this f*cking corner….clinging to my sanity! Why clinging? Because I speak proper English yet he does not hear me. I wear familiar clothes yet he does not see me. That shit is frustrating!!! I think to myself….he must be the broken one…for a woman just walked past me and wished me good luck. He must be the confused one for I yelled out and another man appeared….on my corner…willing to help me with my suitcases. So I can be seen and heard. I am not a figment of my own imagination. I am real. I am a person with feelings and guess the f*ck what?! I FEEL! I slowly start to breath in and out. All this deep breathing got me feeling calm. Got me forgetting that I am at the edge of reason….clinging to my sanity. Hoping someone will put a shot of good bourbon on this corner so I can revive myself. Drinking bourbon or gin always makes me feel like chest hairs are gonna start to sprout and if hair is growing…that means I’m alive! Praise be because I got to get off this corner, dry my eyes, change out of this T-shirt, and brush my hair. Just as I’m getting the strength to get up…a lady walks past me and drops this little gem… “Sis!” She called out. “People see what they want to see and they hear what they already have set their ears out to hear. No amount of speeches nor showmanship will change that! You have to walk like you know you have arrived. You have to talk like you have never been misunderstood. Those that are suppose to get you…will. And those that never acknowledged your spirit to begin with….won’t. No need to be at the edge of reason. Vacation from time to time…if you must…but don’t you dare permanently set up shop there. For only fools lose their worth living at the edge of reason….waiting to be recognized by lost souls!” She exclaimed. And with that gem dropped, she turned the corner….and was out of sight….just as quickly as she had appeared. I got up from the edge of reason…leaving my suitcase full of shit (fears, sorrows, and regrets) behind. Wherever I’m headed next….won’t have room for them. This I’m sure of…even though I am still unsure of my next destination. But hold up! Had to run back and grab my sanity…because I have no plans of vacationing at the edge of reason any f*cking time soon! ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. This just poured out of me. Been a rough week but I am still standing. Still breathing. Still dreaming. Still loving. And still praying 💙
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