She looked me in the eyes and told me that after almost forty years on and off…in an abusive marriage…she still had hope that God could turn him around. “There will be a day that the Good Lord will send him back to me…renewed…with his heart clean…as a changed man. And I MAY take him back because I love him. After all he is still my husband.” I was baffled by this confession. Part of me thought how silly can she be. I know him well and I see no change in sight. The other part of me thought….her love and her faith are so much deeper than mine. Yet, I, too wait. A different type of wait but still a dreadful wait. There are days I am armed with prayer that he (the Ex Factor in my scenario) will grow up and learn to appreciate the love he has been given. Then there are days when I get angry and frustrated with both the Ex Factor and God. Why God? HE could have granted me my five year old wish of never loving a man. Until I was twenty nine years old, I always thought I was love proof. And I’m not talking about puppy love like me and Julio. I am taking about the painstaking journey of loving a man unconditionally that refuses to grow up and be a man. I really thought I was going to be the first woman in my family (that I know of) to beat this curse. My five year old self envisioned my older self happy in my career and traveling the world…with only a dog in tow. Big house for just me and my pups. ??♀️?? Still working on the puppy. I don’t want to adopt one until I feel like I am ready for that kind of responsibility. But back to my five year old self. We had plans and year 29 messed everything up. I wasn’t looking. It was just suppose to be a summer thing. A distraction that has now turned into an eight year distraction. ??♀️??♀️??♀️? Each year, he grows more immature. The man he is today I would never have fell for. His twenty year old self was more loving, more confident, and more consistent. So I wait. Not purposely. I just don’t believe in being with a man if I’m not in love. I was perfectly happy with what Phoenix and I had. Intellectual and physical passion that occurred once or twice every couple of years. I have known Phoenix since 2004 and never had any real feelings for him…not even the one time I tried to force it. He is just that good, understanding, and sexy friend who turns me on with just his thoughts. Damn Scorpio’s. Always great in the mind and the bed. ??♀️???♀️ That is why I never let him get too close and I controlled all of our interactions for ten years. But the Ex Factor…I didn’t see coming. I underestimated him and eight years later… I am still just as confused as to why I cannot permanently quit him. I would love to say I am just comfortable but nothing about our situation ever brought me the security that comes with comfort. And so I wait…just like her. This is where I got it from…I thought. Yet I see strength in her prayers and in her eyes. I don’t know if I could ever love so openly with that kind of strength. My mind was just not built like that. I am not that strong nor am I that patient. Bring the puppies on! ? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. God bless good women who love beyond destruction and back. Shout out to all the wives and women similarly situated. Never let him break you and always remember that your faith is stronger than him. He is just a man…not God. Only God can give and take true everlasting love. ????
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