An Unexpected Small Bump In The Road (The Learn To Choose Me Edition)

I…I knew it would happen but I was hoping later rather than sooner. And so the Ex Factor and I hit our first small bump in the road. I didn’t really see it coming but there I was shutting down and him sensing something was wrong but not quite sure what had upset me. The thing about trying to heal with the same person that broke your heart is it’s never an easy process. It’s like being in a car accident and surviving only to get back into your fixed car while trying to learn to trust the roads and other cars around you. If just one car gets too close…you flinch! Not because you are purposely holding on to the accident but because we are human beings and even if the mind wanted to forget…it still has the ability to signal other parts of your body to respond when faced with a painful memory. You following? So I’m in that car and two days ago another car came too close and suddenly there I was…reliving my broken and bruised self. I felt so disappointed in myself for crying about it. Numbness is my place of comfort. I like to not feel and just easily move pass things but that’s just not the case when I truly love a man. Sigh…so I’m here…trying to get over the small bump without running. I don’t think the Ex Factor knows he’s doing it. He lives day to day never choosing me…never keeping my feelings in mind. Part of loving someone, I believe, is learning to make them a priority in all you do. I feel like basketball, friends, family (well this I expect because family is forever), or even a random backyard barbecue that a friend of a friend is having is more important than me. This has been the main reason why I’ve left him so many times. He has never chosen me and I got so tired of choosing someone who I felt would never truly love me the way I deserve to be loved. I am a second or even worst…a last thought. And that pain I carried with me for the last 6 years. Even Julio (first love) tried to choose me at different points of the last 19 years we have known each other but I no longer wanted to be chosen by him. I wanted to take the risk that there was a greater and deeper love out there for me. I took the risk that it was possible for my heart to live outside my body. I had never felt it beat outside but I had to believe that a GREAT love could make it happen so I TOOK THE RISK and even though at times it’s been spirit crushing and heartbreaking…that risk was worth it. No one should settle for someone. LOVE should be worth the risk. And so I’m here riding over the familiar yet unexpected small bump in the road. I find myself shutting down. I find myself choking back tears. I find myself doubting us. But I promised myself I would see this through until I could go no further. Many times before I thought I hit that point of no return but what I’ve found is my love for the Ex Factor is greater and more powerful than even I imagined. I’m trying to live and breathe 1st Corinthians Ch 13…while a beautiful passage….it’s also one of the most difficult to embody!?? And so I’m trying to do what Grace suggested…love the Ex Factor harder during the difficult times. Boy that’s not easy but the best I’ve done is not run. I didn’t sleep the night before. Thankfully I was able to wake my brother Junior up and Willow text me just when I needed her to. Then I heard from Grace around 5am. They say it takes a village to raise a child (true)…but it also takes a small yet strong village to help support a relationship. It’s always good to have impartial people that are rooting for you both that will keep telling you to go back to the drawing board. So grateful for all my friends who reached out yesterday. I said it before…I can’t do this alone. I’m not built to. So back to this small bump in the road. I had not been sleeping and knew I needed to get some sleep last night. So I did the only thing I could. Talk to the one person that I would believe when he says it will be okay…my father…Papa Michaels. My father and I can discuss almost any topic but love is an odd one for us. He’s never known me to say I was in love. And so we chatted for two hours…during which my daddy had many questions for me. He said it seemed like the Ex Factor and I were far apart…me in California…and the Ex Factor in Jersey. No truer words have ever been spoken. My dad definitely didn’t understand what we were doing but truth be told the Ex Factor and I haven’t decided on that. I’m working 7 days a week and I’m sure for him…he’s dreading all the deep uncomfortable conversations like I am! That’s why we sweep so much dirt under the rug. No one (not even me) wants to roll up ourselves and face reality. I would rather write love sonnets and dream but of course that’s not how I run this blog! My dad asked if we are so apart and I’ve always envisioned myself alone permanently (never grew up dreaming of my wedding day or a family) why even try with the Ex Factor? And I replied with what I’ve been waiting to tell my daddy the last 6 years…I am in love with the Ex Factor!? So that’s why I’m trying to ride out all the bumps in the road. And that daddy understood. He just wants me to be happy. And so I fell asleep last night for most of the night. Even when I would periodically awaken…I reminded myself that it would be okay. And just in case you are wondering…I still stand by what I’ve said in the other blogs: I see my life with him, the odds are against us, and I’m not quite sure I believe we can make it BUT since he’s still in my heart…I have to take the risk. And if I get my heart broken again…I will move forward singing: “And another one bites the dust Oh why can I not conquer love? And I might have thought that we were one Wanted to fight this war without weapons And I wanted it, I wanted it bad But there were so many red flags Now another one bites the dust Yeah, let’s be clear, I’ll trust no one You did not break me I’m still fighting for peace Well, I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart, But your blade—it might be too sharp I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard, Yeah, I may snap and I move fast But you won’t see me fall apart ‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart I’ve got an elastic heart Yeah, I’ve got an elastic heart” AND LIFE WILL STILL GO ON BEAUTIFULLY! ~KJM saying pray for us on Throwback Thursday!??