I awoke around 2am only to burst into tears. It is very possible for your emotions to transcend from your dreams to your reality. Only I don’t remember dreaming… Perhaps I was sleeping with a broken heart. As a matter of fact…I know I was. I went to bed with my mind full and my heart conflicted. Yesterday I attended the 5th birthday party of the daughter of a close family friend. Auntie Kingston, while exhausted from the heat and TRYING to keep up with the kids running around, had a blast! Most of my friends were there with their significant others and everyone was just so happy and at peace. Not even a little rain shower could stop the joy in the park. One of my friends asked where the Ex Factor was. To be honest, I did not know his exact location (all I had to do was text and that would be revealed) but Sunday’s are family days with his family so at least by 7pm they would all be having dinner together. I think it dawned on me…in that moment…that I am always alone. Always attending events alone. In my 20s, I wholeheartedly preferred it that way. It was MY CHOICE. Certain members of Julio’s family made my life a living hell and spending time with them made my skin crawl. The Ex Factor and I keep our lives very separate. Though it was not always that way with him. I use to double date and hang out with him and his friends. My friends live all over the world so I never opened that door. Though I did ask the Ex Factor if he wanted to attend my BFF, Zack’s, wedding a few months into dating. He already had plans with his friends to go to upstate NY (which was true) and he said weddings were too serious. I let it go and took Willow instead. As the years went by and we struggled, I would be in and out of his friend circle but we did not dare mix families. To be honest, I 100% prefer it that way until I mention it to someone else and see the look of horror on their faces. Papa Michaels is only interested in meeting my husband! ?? And that’s Daddy so he gets that right. Over two decades of dating, my parents have only known Julio as my friend and then boyfriend when I turned 18. It wasn’t because Julio was special…it was because we were 15 and 16 when we started dating. We could not go to either of our houses without introducing ourselves and speaking with each other’s parents first! That’s the type of families we grew up in. Other than that my folks met dudes accidentally as my FRIEND. Truth be told, they both prefer it that way too because both sides of my family STILL HATE each other! Decades of knowing each other has made the hate intensify and it has deeply hurt my parents’ marriage. Now I know that this may not be my story but it’s a real fear. I don’t need to be everywhere and know everyone for I’m not his wife and to be honest many of my friends (especially if they read this blog) would not be excited to meet the Ex Factor but everyone knows I can handle myself. My Daddy has some concerns (good daddies always do) but my mama is hopeful. She does not care that she hasn’t met the Ex Factor. To her, he represents her only chance of getting grandchildren. Lol. I have been saying I would never reproduce nor get married since I was 5 years old (31 years now). Still no desire to reproduce but if it was what he desired…it’s what we would do. That is how deep my love runs…for him. I love children and I already know I can raise them but I certainly won’t just have them to have them and…with anyone. ? No way. But I digress…this discussion is not about my lack of a biological clock. Lol. As I let the tears flow, all I kept thinking is things are not suppose to be this way. I am not sure what way they are suppose to be….because there is not a single person I know that I am jealous of their life. So much of what makes my friends and family happy…would not make me happy. And I mean that! But I would like to feel more secure and more valued. It’s hard because I feel like we are going through the terrible twos. Everything that has to do with love and stability…the Ex Factor rejects. For example…the other day he mentioned that when he gets his own place he wants to buy his own furniture and does not even want a woman’s touch on it…not even his mama’s! Now I don’t know if he knows this but furniture is so freaking expensive. I felt so blessed when my mom bought my first set of furniture in 2003 and even more blessed when I bought my own in 2017! ?? My dad furnished my sister’s current apartment. Things add up quick! Any help you get you better take it! ? The Ex Factor is all about the “I am man and women are useless to me right now” phase. Not sure what brought him to this point. But I know I’m so grateful for the times my parents supported my goals. No man nor woman is an island by themselves. Simply impossible. ? Trust me…I have tried. And failed! lol. It’s very difficult to get through to someone like that. A huge part of me has given up on trying… ~KJM on Charm School Monday. Stay tuned….Had two things on my mind when I woke up. May just have time to tackle the second one.
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