The last couple of days have been so up and down for me. I have some things going that have made the last month in the year stressful and on top of that…my seasonal affective disorder has kicked in…right on time may I add…and I cannot stop crying! For those of you not familiar with seasonal affective disorder…it’s when a certain season brings on a funk or temporary depression. For many of us…the reduction of sunlight in the winter time can trigger it. For others…it could be a time of year something traumatic has happened and you are now reliving it during your difficult season. I hear some people get it in the summer. It’s so different for everyone but for me….once December kicks in…I’m moody and I cannot stop crying! Not to mention temperamental! I’m already a fire cracker so you can just imagine how much more crazy things get until the first day of Spring! Plus if you throw in being a Gemini!? Well let’s just say don’t get in my way! Now that I’ve covered my current mind frame…let’s get in to today’s Charm School Lesson! Last Thursday…and quite accidentally…the Ex Factor and I got into a stupid argument which went on until Saturday! It all started when he asked (what I perceived to be a dumb question) and I asked for clarification. When he continued with his line of ridiculous questioning…which left me feeling old, too wise, and exhausted…I lost my shit and went on the attack! He, in turn, did something he does not typically do…fought back!? Usually the Ex Factor just leaves me standing there (figuratively) pissed off by myself! He tries very hard to avoid unnecessary arguments but on this particular day…he must have either fell and bumped his head ?…OR he thought his question was innocent and I blew it out of proportion! We argued back and forth for two days! And hence the birth of my blog “He Disagrees With MY Feelings!” The Ex Factor is typically emotionless, to me, and I…especially around this time of year…am FULL OF EMOTIONS! ? And so we went back and forth…I mean this man even sent me a list of text messages in response to my one damaging text message! That’s so not like him! So we argued on and I cried and cried for two days! Then something weird happened…just as I was beginning to block him…Facebook reminded me that this time of year…I CRY! And it started to settle in that while the Ex Factor can be insensitive…I’m not in my right damn mind currently! But my pride didn’t let me get myself together. I was hoping he would bend first! I sent him this long break up text (after unblocking him) in which I ended it with Happy Holidays! This dude responded “Thanks Hun…Happy Holidays to you too!” What the fuck?! All I could do to not lose my shit again was respond and say “lol that was the best possible response!” In which he replied, lol! I mean what the fuck?! Either the Ex Factor just didn’t give a fuck or he knew I was tripping and decided to only respond to the one positive part of my text message!? Dazed and confused…I finally got out of bed and went to my family with this whole mess….as in my brother, Junior, and my cousins. And that’s when it happened! Saturday began THE REALIZATION! That moment when I understood something that I’ve been trying to fight all along! My family, including my brother’s girlfriend, got me out of bed, made me laugh, and gave me an opportunity to step outside of my point of view and look at our argument from many different angles! My family lifted me up! And gave me the courage to laugh at life when I had been crying! That’s when it dawned on me…did the Ex Factor always put his family (I get this one) and his boys before me because they too lifted him up during difficult times?! Like the times I left with no explanation…or the times I left because everything just seemed too much for me?! Did he lose his trust in me like I lost it in him? The Ex Factor always says he needs to know we will work out before he makes a deeper commitment. In my mind I’m like…that must be code for I’m not the one…because that sure sounds like some bullshit! But there’s three things I cannot deny (1) I’m inconsistent! I left him sometimes when I did not have the tools nor patience to work things out! (2) If he had left me even once…there’s no way we would know each other now! and (3) despite my flaws and insecurities…I do truly love him. Perhaps neither one of us knows how to love and support each other unconditionally! And so we build walls to keep each other out! Because no one wants to get hurt again! So those times I felt he was choosing his boys over me…makes a little more sense now. Maybe there were times he couldn’t get out of bed and they got him to move. Maybe there were times he needed to laugh and they provided the jokes?! If so…I get it. I now get it. My family means everything to me and this past weekend I would have crumbled without them! If that’s what his support system is like and he too is treading lightly until I can regain his trust…then I get it!!! And that’s my realization! It’s so easy to only look at things with our own eyes! So easy to miss the things we need to work on! Now I’m not saying we are going to make it nor that everything is my fault! What I am saying is…he’s not the only one who has some work to do! ~KJM on Charm School Monday! I hope this blog helps someone out there similarly situated! While I’m careful not to continue to share the meaningful details of our arguments…I will always aim to pass on the positive lessons! Prayers always needed! ??
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