1st Corinthians Ch 13 Reject (The Triggers Edition) 

Here I am blogging on a Sunday again! I haven’t given up on Serenity Saturdays….I promise! It’s just lately my most relaxing days have been Sundays while Saturdays are filled with running errands. Soon Serenity Saturdays will be back and I will be feeling…serene again?! Today I want to talk about my relationship triggers…the things that invite me to do bad things. As the Ex Factor and I STRUGGLE to build the communication we never had these last 6 years, I feel the old Kingston creeping back up. Yikes. This week I was vacationing half way around the country and I manage to stay connected to the Ex Factor. We text and FaceTime. Now that I’m back and it’s the weekend…he struggles to remember to stay connected to me. And the worst part is I honestly think he doesn’t get it. When I hit a wall like this…I get the urge to leave him where the fuck I found him…by his damn self! I’m like Papa Michaels when he was raising us kids…he only spoke once and we hopped to it! He did not like to make a request a second time and actually never did. We listened! That’s where I get it from. I only like to explain something to the Ex Factor ONCE and if he doesn’t get it right away…my I’m leaving you for the zillionth time fever comes back! The crazy thing is I’ve never been big on patience with anyone! Julio and I only survived for so long because when we had any arguments (whether we were teenagers or adults) he would call me around 2am (he said I was nicer when I was half asleep) and make me talk it out. I’m use to the guy having SLIGHTLY better communication skills than me…that is until Elijah! Ugh but I digress! I’m not sure what the Ex Factor’s communication skills are like because we never tried communicating before! Don’t laugh! True story! But I know he’s open and he will listen. He may not get it but he will try his best to listen. It’s all about what I am vulnerable enough to share! VULNERABLE! Just saying that word makes me want to throw up! That’s the one task that most of my married female friends have mastered that I haven’t! I feel like they taught patience, vulnerability, trust, and love all in one day in college and I fucking missed it! Maybe I was sick?! I was a rebel even back then so maybe I chose to miss it?! Well ever since I’m paying for it. Back to the triggers! When I see the relationships my friends have (male and female) it works for them but not one of them embodies what I’m looking for. I hated how Elijah was controlling and wanted to know my every move (and how much of MY money I was spending)! I checks in with no man! However, I did give the Ex Factor a heads up on my random solo vacation out of courtesy but also to let his ass know…I’m never going to be the I wait at home for you chick! At least I don’t intend to be! Now you see why I haven’t jumped into marriage and a family?! I have to tread lightly and pray all the way! Because if I didn’t believe Jesus was a fence….there’s no way I could have made it this far! Amen! Two schools of thought run in my mind and of course they are coming from Old Kingston: 1. Maybe I was right. I’m not his ONE because basic stuff shouldn’t be so difficult right?! And 2. Maybe we are both so afraid of letting go of our single selves that even if love beat us over the head, we aren’t going to abandon our single selves which still leaves us not belonging together! I just don’t know. But I feel old Kingston creeping back up and I’m not sure how long I can control her! When I feel neglected, I always keep another man on the side. It’s been a habit of mine since I met Julio at age 15. For every text or call that Julio or anyone didn’t make…another dude happily made it. For every date Julio forgot, couldn’t make, canceled, or left early…there was another guy there to fill in. That’s how I stayed with Julio on and off for over 10 years! I had Phoenix and the crew to keep me company. Don’t forget Phoenix has been around since 2004! And for the first time since Phoenix and I had that falling out about the $1,500 engagement ring that Elijah suggested….I ALMOST text Phoenix around 3am Friday night into Saturday. Instead I text the Ex Factor that I felt like I’m cut out of his life. I’m not around his friends and family and he’s not around mine! 99% of my friends don’t live in this area and as for family….he knows Junior and Brenda…but won’t be meeting Daddy until we get our shit together! Julio is the only guy my father has officially met as my boyfriend and boy I have some regrets about that! Some of Julio’s family members were terrible to me and that stays with me until this day! But we met when we were 15 and 16 years old so it’s hard to keep your first love from your parents. At 20 and 29, the Ex Factor and I met and immediately put up those boundaries. I know what my reason for it was…we weren’t seriously dating and I’m sure that was his reason too! I never meant to date him pass summer 2010. I never meant to fall in love with him. The plan was to work things out with Julio but the love I developed in summer 2010 with the Ex Factor was deeper and stronger than I had ever felt. And I never saw it coming or I would have blocked it and ran! So now it is 6 years later and we are still trying…but those old scars are still there. Scars of neglect, abandonment, and lack of love. I definitely don’t want to be at every family function or every damn place the Ex Factor is and I sure don’t want him every where I am! I need ME time on top of ME time! So close to booking another vacation now! But I want a sense of we are finding a balance. Now I can’t control him….controlling old Kingston is a full time job in itself! I’m filled with insecurities, lack of patience, bad thoughts, fears, jealousy, and trust issues! I keep telling the new Kingston that neither the new nor the old Kingston ever had an issue meeting a new man but no matter how good looking they are or how much money they have…they are not who I love. They are a symptom of a bigger issue. A temptation. A distraction. They are reminders that I’m afraid to grow and fully give over my heart. Even if my heart gets broken with the Ex Factor…if I don’t take this risk and learn to love even when I’m not feeling love in return…I will be good to no one but myself! I hope now more than ever you understand why there was always a Phoenix. He’s someone I am attracted to (mentally and physically) but no one that I ever had a fear of falling in love with. Phoenix was my safety net and even times when we were both single and he wondered why I never wanted more…it’s because I knew he wasn’t for me….because I felt safe with him. Not safe and loved but safe and like….I can hide here! Lol. With Phoenix, I could say and do as I pleased with no fear of losing him! I could be as ignorant as I wanted to be with no fears of repercussions! He’s been a different type of ride or die and I’m grateful I had him during some of the tough moments with Julio AND the Ex Factor. Phoenix always made me feel wanted but that’s because that was his ONLY job! All he had to do was provide what the others weren’t but even as he did that flawlessly…those missing pieces weren’t ever enough to make me want to stay with him! And in essence those missing pieces shouldn’t make me want to easily leave the love of my life (the Ex Factor) either. ??~KJM mulling over some thoughts and fighting old Kingston on this very hot summer Sunday?