The world has gone mad in a million different ways. Covid is sweeping the globe…trailing slowly behind systematic racism. Most of us are locked up in our homes. I am locked up in my home. When it rains…it pours. And I am just standing there without a damn umbrella. My family and I have had a couple of losses due to COVID 19. As if the grime weeper chilling near by was not enough….the world is finally starting to see that Black Lives Matter. With all that is going on, I feel I have no right to write this blog but I must write it. This past weekend I got some news that rocked my world. Not fully ready to share it because in the grand scheme of things…it may be a small loss to most people…but for me…it is fucking major. The floor from under me has just collapsed and I have no one to catch me! The world has truly gone mad and I am all alone in my feelings. This is not the first nor second time I have been here. SUMMER 2007 (See blog post with same title) and the first FIVE months in 2013, it felt like I lost my fucking mind. There I was…broken-hearted and in a sea of fucking pain by myself. Not eating, not moving, crying, and wrapped up in all my feelings. It felt like I was going insane! But each time, I had friends and family to support me. This time…it seems like everyone is hurting. Everyone has their own shit going on and I am just left to lay in all my filthy feelings….that I feel guilty for even having. I mean there are people out there protesting and risking their lives so that my life can matter. There is unemployment. There is poverty. There are injustices. Yet I, KJM, dare to lay here in all my filthy feelings and do what?! FUCKING FEEL MY FEELINGS! Do you know what it is like to really feel a feeling. And no I am not talking about happiness! Most of us would gladly revel in that type of emotion! I am talking about the shit you try to avoid when you are awake but haunts you when you are sleeping! THAT SHIT! YES! FEEL…IT! I can honestly understand why some folks turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, or any unhealthy addiction to get numb! Fortunately, I have great skin, a small budget that focuses on travel, hair, and makeup, and a huge food budget that loves brownies and cookies…thus, I really do not have the time nor the funds to develop such addictions. I suggest you also avoid unhealthy addictions!!! Once thing I have learned from loved ones who buried their feelings in addiction is that they now had two demons to battle….their addiction and the initial feeling they were trying to run away from! That’s fucking right! Bury the feeling and the shit becomes an even bigger problem! So what are we going to do….we are going to sit with out shit, roll around in it, and make peace with the stench!!! That is really the only way to tackle our feelings. Deal with that motherfucker head on! So it’s SUMMER FUCKING 2020 and I’m heartbroken….laying in my shit, trying to navigate it, hoping to handle it better than I did in Summer 2007 and the first 5 months of 2013. Only each time I was younger, had things to look forward to, and a had a support system of strong people who loved me enough to hold me up. People to get me out of bed. People to force me to eat anything….even if it is only a GIANT Hershey bar (Summer 2007) or Pilsbury chocolate chip cookies (my mom knows that’s really the only thing I will eat when I am depressed…so she has made sure my fridge has been stacked with Pilsbury tubs from BJs so far through this pandemic). I have cried to my parents, my siblings, my aunty P, Nicole, Harmony, and Grace. I wake up heavy hearted each morning…struggling to get out of bed. I want to be numb yet I know from those other two experiences that I have to FEEL MY FEELINGS even if doing so feels like it will destroy me. And this time…it really does feel like it will destroy me for I am trapped in my apartment, alone, and laying in my filthy feelings. I should be crying about poverty. I should be crying about unarmed black people being gunned down by racists. I should be crying about the state of our economy and its effects on marginalized communities. I should be…I should be…I should be feeling something more deeper than a broken fucking heart. The thing is….the bigger world issues can really swallow us up if we are not careful. These are atrocities that no one person can solve. It’s a unity thing. We have to unite together to battle racial injustices, climate change, and poverty. Yet the state of our hearts can set a lot of these things in motion. Like are we angry or are we in love? Are we open? Or are we closed off? Are we accepting? Or are we judgmental? It is crazy how the state of ones heart and mind can have a ripple effect into the world. Am I choosing to speak love to all around me or am I hiding from it? It…is….all…so….personal. Here I am….feeling my feelings and wondering if it will truly set me free. What is the IT I am referring to? Like if I had the guts to say from day one you have been my person. I don’t like to admit it nor show it. You have been my rock over the last 10 years as much as you have been my heartache. I do not see you in a perfect light. I fell in love with you on an imperfect July 2010 day. Sun showers. Right there overlooking the Tappan Zee Bridge. You are my person. What in the ever loving fuck does that mean? It means that even on our darkest days and in our longest separations….there is no one else I would want to call husband and the father of my children (that I never planned on having til I laid eyes on you). YOU ARE MY PERSON. No one knows what the next chapter holds for us and I am not good at the things most women are. I do not know how to vocalize what I feel…I can only hope that in the moments we have left (hopefully more years to come even with all the obstacles), that you feel it. My touch says it. My frustrations say it. You are my person. And if I was being truly honest with myself….there was never any other man that could come close to you. ~KJM is feeling the feeling on Throwback Thursday. Shout out to all the people I reached out to that are doing their best to support me…even though they have their own shit going on. One Love 💙
I love all of this!! Also, you feeling and validating those emotions are necessary!! Never feel guilty about not responding as the majority responds!! We all have a part to play in bringing about the change we need!! This fight is just beginning, but I digress!!
You may NEVER do it, but one day, I hope that you tell him all that you wrote about him being “your person!!” People need to know that!! Maybe not at this time, but he should know!! 🖤