I have been off of work for two weeks. This is the most time I have accidentally or purposely had off in years! ? The first week, I was in Kona, Hawaii and the second week, I was home in New Jersey. Week 1 (in Hawaii), I felt like I reset my whole life and understood and appreciated it’s direction (or lack there of). Maybe it was the Pacific Ocean but this oneness came over me. About 3 hours after arriving in Jersey, I began to unravel! The Ex Factor accidentally upset me by coming over as soon as my plane landed. My plans were to stay in my solo bubble for the weekend since I was still on my Hawaii self exploration high but I made room for the Ex Factor because I love him. Also, because we had not seen each other in like two weeks. Unbeknownst to me or him, the time he spent with me was not enough. ??♀️ Now I am really funny about my space. After a short time at my place, I typically want everyone out! Family, friends, booty calls, and lovers must get the fuck out so I can enjoy my ME time!!!?? My entire grown up life, I have been like this! There is not a person I have ever asked to stay longer…I guess except the Ex Factor. ???♀️ Great! Mister emotionally unavailable is the one I cannot get enough of! ??♀️ After he left, I got sad and then I bursted out into tears out of nowhere! ? Now I am not a cryer and worst of it all I did not know I was going to cry! ??♀️ There I was…this strong independent woman who had journeyed to the Pacific on her own…and in just a matter of minutes in his arms…I turned into this insecure woman still asking a man to love me! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! ??♀️✌???♀️ Because I had no healthy love role models growing up (forget about my parents! They are lucky they weren’t on the show “The First 48!”), I had no outlet to maturely work out my feelings. So few hours later I sent the Ex Factor two emotional text messages in which he replied with apologies! But how can he apologize for a need I did not express to him. ??♀️ Better question….why the fuck isn’t he a mind reader?! ?? When he was leaving my place, I knew he had plans with his family. For him, doing the 40 minute drive each way and seeing me was better than not seeing me. For me, I needed an extra hour to lay in his arms! I’m such a fucking girl! ??? Now I am in my feelings and no “Kiki-ing” (Drake song reference here) was going to help! ? So I did the respectable thing and cussed him out Monday morning because now he got me in my feelings! ? He took it like a G! That’s one of the things I love about him….he will calmly reply to whatever mess I send him 99% of the time. The Ex Factor’s patience and ability to stay calm are two of the things I love/hate about him because of course sometimes it comes across as he just don’t give a fuck but I think if that were true he would never reply to my mess! ? Anywhos, and so the week rolls on and I began to unravel more but only this time…professionally! I don’t know what it is but I hate staying at home! On vacation, I don’t stress but when I’m home (worse when I lived with my mama), I get depressed easily…even if the purpose of being home is to relax. After the third day home, I start to lose it! This is how I know I can never be a stay at home wife nor mom! Shortie needs to work and know she can take care of herself! ?? The professional unraveling sent me to a New Jersey beach where the Atlantic DID NOT have the same calming effect on me as the Pacific did! So there I am becoming completely undone on ALL levels! Damn Blood Moon mixed with a Full Moon! ? I can’t remember exactly but the moon did some funny shit the Friday I was traveling from Hawaii to NJ! And it showed because all my flights were complete shit shows! Nightmare on Elm Street part 55 and then I arrive home and I’m a fucking mess! Screw you moon! ✌? Anyways, now we are here. In the present and I just awoke (on this Serenity Saturday morning) from a bad dream! In my dream, I married a successful man from a conservative culture. I won’t say which one for fear of offending someone but it’s one of those cultures where women don’t get a voice. We have one daughter and she’s beautiful. Looks to be around 8-10 years old. Going to come back to the significance of my daughter in a minute. My conservative husband and I are out with friends at a very expensive restaurant. We are all dressed up…even my daughter. The only person I recognize is one of my male friends who is also in this conservative culture…only he is not with his current wife (who is not of the culture) but now with his second wife ? who is deeply engrained in the culture…so deeply I don’t remember her saying a word during dinner…only smiling! ? Flash forward, my husband is very sexually happy with me….from the one sex scene I see….I’m looking somewhere else and hoping he gets done soon. Also, I’m on birth control pretending to try to have another baby. Clearly I’m hiding the fact that I’m on birth control and I clearly don’t want more children! This signals to me that I AM UNHAPPY and NOT IN LOVE WITH MY CONSERVATIVE HUSBAND! Wait for it… In real life, if you see me with no children or a bunch whether I’m married or not to my long term partner…there’s a great chance I am happy. However, if you see me married with one child…I settled in life. You see I always negotiate a one child package when I’m settling with a guy I am not really into but he looks good on paper. I am offering him only one egg (if he can find it). ? That is a part of my settling package. ??♀️ Now I know what you are thinking…what if I only have one child with the love of my life in the future? How will you know if I settled? Simple…if we had fertility issues I would most likely be honest about it and you would know I’m happy, we tried, and this is what God gave us. I’m guessing we would either adopt more children or get a bunch of dogs to make up for the other children we couldn’t have. That is…if I was in love. So my daughter in my dream signifies so much about where I am in my dream life! This is my NIGHTMARE! My fucking nightmare! And what does it all mean? Who fucking knows?! Maybe the moon isn’t done with me? ? And so I’m undone again and in need of a reset. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday. ?
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