He’s reappeared…in a professional capacity of course. Elijah that is. For me…our brief run ins are not awkward. I spent so much time in the rain last April that when the sun finally came out…I clung to it. Sun shining bright…I pushed forward in life and love. Yet I feel his eyes on me. Almost as if he is at a lost for words. Well I am not. I’m grateful for the lessons learned and my ability to move pass most of it…well except for the mess that is the Ex Factor that is. Sigh…no one is perfect and we all have a weakness. Of course, the Ex Factor is mine! But I digress…for the millionth time. Even with all the behind the scenes pain I’m experiencing with the Ex Factor…I present a united front when I see Elijah. You see…one thing I learned from Mr. Toss Salad (y’all remember him?) is to never let people see nor smell your weaknesses! Because if they do…those blood sucking parasites will swoop in and destroy you for their own personal gain. So no…I do not walk around sad and unkept. I’m actually looking and feeling great. I credit this to my ability to put my emotions in a box and move on to handle any pressing tasks. Yes…I have the power to do that. So the Kingston Jael that Elijah sees at work…reminds herself that she is loved by the Ex Factor and it will all be okay. Of course that’s my day time face. The one before the night settles in and I’m home alone in my room…surrounded by my ugly truths. A united front of love…I pray that is what Elijah sees when he gives me those uncomfortable glances. This may sound crazy but I cannot believe I dated him! Besides being a tall islander….he is not my type. Never was! Aww yes…this brings me to a beautiful yet painful point. The day I met Elijah…yes let’s flashback here…I was crying and praying on the train…asking the Lord to deliver me from the Ex Factor. And yes I was wearing a purple American Apparel dress…in which many have asked me why I mentioned what I was wearing during such a difficult time?! The answer…if Elijah had been my life partner and the love of my life…I wanted to remember every detail of that morning. I…wanted to remember…meeting BOAZ! As it turned out, I now use that dress as a house dress and I can practically use it to dust down my furniture…that’s how much I have no desire to wear that dress out. It use to be one of my favorites…but then I out grew it. Like I did Elijah. I out grew that moment….so now there is no need to remember every detail…because what was thought to be so magical…really turned out to be quite ordinary. Another distraction in life. Another disappointment. Another setback. Another…well you get the point. More wasted time…still not sure where I’m headed. Yes I was crying and praying on the train that day but Elijah was not God’s answer to my prayers. He was not BOAZ and I’m even more grateful for that than any lesson he taught me. Because…I can start again. On this very sunny day….I can start again. While awaiting BOAZ, for those of you waiting with me, please remember that God does not always answer prayers instantly nor the way we want. Perhaps the point of Elijah…was I was not ready for BOAZ for my heart still belonged to the Ex Factor. Thus, only a distraction was worth getting to know me in that time. I…was…not…ready. And God knew it! That’s the lesson here…the point I’m trying to make…just because we are praying for something does not mean we are actually ready for it. So as you pray for what you want and need…also pray that you are ready to receive it. I’m still not sure if I’m ready to receive what I prayed for and as I battle love and pain…I’m comforted by the fact that when I’m ready…I will see God in his eyes…and that’s when I can be sure that God answered my prayers. For HE would have prepared me to receive it. Now I await not only BOAZ but the woman who is truly ready to receive and appreciate him!?? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday???
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