Yesterday I wrote the blog “The Men We Wish We Never Slept With (The Nightmare On Elm Street Edition)” for all the women who have sex partners they regret. Now you know I had to turn the tables and do one for the men! Yes that’s right….men, it’s time for you to scroll down memory lane of all your bad sexual experiences. Grab your condoms and some holy water if you dare to take this tour with me! Here are the 10 women you wished you never even touched:
10. THE WOMAN YOU LYINGLY SAID YOU LOVED TO GET PUSSY! Some men will do anything to get in an attractive woman’s pants…even say ‘I Love You’ when they know damn well they don’t mean it. So you lie, play with her emotions, and screw her…never really expecting to be screwed. You thought you bumped into Monica from “LOVE AND BASKETBALL” but who you really found was Brandi from “A THIN LINE BEWTEEN LOVE AND HATE!” Play with a woman’s emotions and you just may experience intense bodily harm. Darnell took a bullet from Brandi to pay for his lies. Is it really worth it?
9. THE WOMAN WHO HATES YOUR KIDS! Some men will do anything to keep a woman…even continue to date a woman who hates their children. At first she may pretend she loves children, but if he chose to look closer he would see he didn’t get Carol Brady from “THE BRADY BUNCH” but really got Joan Crawford from “MOMMY DEAREST!” Lawd a mercy! Those poor kids. I just hope none of them used wire hangers!
8. THE WOMAN WITH DEEP SEEDED DADDY ISSUES! Men tend to focus more on a woman’s physical characteristics than anything else. Those eyes, thighs, butt, and breasts can lead a man astray. Bell Biv Devoe warned you men to “never trust a big butt and a smile” but some of y’all just refuse to listen. Well bust this move…you thought you were getting Annie Banks from “Father of the Bride” but just rolled over to see that you have been sleeping with DRACULA’S DAUGHTER! Whether Daddy abandoned her or controlled her every move…her need to free herself from him plays into your relationship. You are essentially Daddy. Every hurt he ever caused falls on you so you might as well save up for future therapy bills. This type of woman will not only suck the blood out of you but will make that very act….your fault!
7. YOUR WOMAN’S BEST FRIEND! So you started dating a woman and realize she has a cute friend who is always hanging around. At first it seems like a Janet, Jack, and Chrissy scenario from “THREE’S COMPANY”…then the friend starts coming on to you. Some of you may resist but as time goes on you are now fucking who you think is Chrissy. Naw boo…Chrissy don’t live there no more. It’s Hedy Carlson from “SINGLE WHITE FEMALE!” That’s right! You fucked the woman who pretended to be your girl’s friend…only to try to steal her life. Bad move for real….
6. YOUR FEMALE BOSS! Has no one ever told you…never shit where you eat? Clearly not! So you have a hot boss and you decide to smash her and then dump her! Ok let’s see how your checks will be looking…that’s if you still have a job! At first smash you thought you were getting Annalise Keating from “HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER” but no…you fucked up and got Meredith Johnson from “DISCLOSURE!” I do not even feel sorry for you…
5. THE GROUPIE! You may be a musician or a Wall Street financial wiz and women love it….so much so that you start feeling yourself. And here comes the groupies! At first you don’t think twice because you know that you are worth worshiping. Then one day you meet a woman that looks like Penny Lane from “ALMOST FAMOUS.” It never dawned on you that your groupie was obsessed with you in an unhealthy manner. Still don’t get my drift? Picture Annie Wilkes from “MISERY” making your breakfast. Gripping your legs? Yea you should be!
4. THE WOMAN WITH A HISTORY OF ABUSE! Now to be fair, many people had terrible childhoods and fought their way to a healthy adult life…usually through therapy. Not everyone is a fan of therapy and healing though. So you meet a woman with a million issues and decide that you and only you can save her. You found love in who you thought was Latika from “SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE” but you really just had sex with Gogo Yubari from “KILL BILL: VOL.1!” That’s right…she’s young, vicious, and tearing down all the walls you build is her specialty! Enjoy!
3. THE RATCHET BABY MAMA! Now you know you done fucked up right? You went and got this one pregnant. Under the club lights she looked like Jackie Harrison from “STEPMOM” but when you woke up with her the next morning you found Mary Jones from “PRECIOUS” caressing your dick. Too late dude….you never wore a condom. Yea you tried to one night her but now she’s your problem for life!
2. THE 20 THAT YOU THINK IS AN 80! She’s attractive and seems sweet. In the beginning, she wants all the same things you want but soon you find out it was all a ploy to lock you down. If you got in too deep, this woman may now be your soon to be ex wife! She may not have had anything to offer in your relationship but she will surly take your ass to the cleaners in the divorce. You let looks blind you and you fell for “the old bait and switch.” No she was never Angela from “BOOMERANG”….and yes she was always Trina from “WHY DID I GET MARRIED!”
1. THE WOMAN YOU CHEATED ON YOUR WONDERFUL WIFE/GIRLFRIEND WITH! We’ve all heard the phrase that “the grass is greener on the other side” but what some of you men fail to realize is “if you water your grass, it will always be greener.” I’ve heard men say that they love their wives and have a good marriage but cheat because they have the opportunity to. Nowadays mistresses do not even know their place. They are writing books, doing interviews, and approaching the wife as if they are the main chick. “Stop! Hammer time!” Everyone but the faithful wife/girlfriend is out of order. Keep risking your home life for anything with a skirt and see where it gets you. Most of the time you will not be getting an Olivia Pope from “SCANDAL.” There’s more Alexandra Forrest’s from “FATAL ATTRACTION” out there. If you still don’t believe me….replay the scene where she cooks Dan’s daughter’s pet rabbit. If that shit doesn’t send chills up and down your spine and make you abandon your filthy cheating ways….well get ready for any of the women of this list to permanently ruin your life! ~KJM saying to my male readers…be very careful where you place your dick. Happy Flashback Friday aka all the times you shouldn’t have cum Friday!
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