Recently, I’ve had a number of readers write to me about how they struggle with forgiving their spouses. One reader is still so hurt from her husband’s affair (over a decade ago). Now you know I don’t like to give the marrieds (or anyone for that matter) advice but UNFORGIVENESS is like my thing (sad to say). While I believe that he did not sleep with her, I spent years punishing the Ex Factor for talking to that chick back in late 2012. You see we wrote some of the rules for our situationship from the jump. Monogamy was one of them. The rule was if we met someone else that we would want to explore with…we would let the other one know FIRST before pursuing the new person. Seven years later and I’ve yet to meet anyone that I want to explore with but I have broken things off to get a break from the Ex Factor and chill with Mister Good For Right Now. With that being said, I held onto that shit until this year! I’ve never trusted him since. It may sound psycho saying this since we were just in a situationship but always remember that for the GEMINI any betrayal is a huge betrayal. We treat it all like your dick or pussy betrayed us. Makes no difference to us if actual physical cheating took place. ?? And that one situation pushed the Ex Factor off of the high pedestal I had him on. He fell from grace and…became HUMAN! But I digress…What I’ve learned from that mess was forgiveness is a one way street that divides at one point. It’s either you forgive and move on or you forgive and rebuild a better relationship (through counseling and strengthening communication) BUT what you cannot do is say you forgive, want to work things out, and then spend every day of the rest of your lives punishing your spouse! ?? Read that line over again! If you lie to yourself and your spouse by pretending you have let go of their infidelity, you are now the person messing up! And worst of all, the person you are enslaving is YOURSELF! ?? Yea…take that in! You are enslaving yourself! The sole reason, I believe, that I have not been able to successfully let go of the Ex Factor is because I never truly forgave him for hurting me back in December 2012! ? Negative feelings can bind you to a person just as much (if not more) as positive feelings! So while I thought it was love that tied me to him, it was really my need to torture his ass for breaking my heart! Sick….I know but knowledge is power and I’m now writing this from the start of a healing place. The thing about affairs is it makes the person cheated on feel less than. Even when we know our worth, the mind is a crazy place. It makes us doubt what the heart tells us….that our spouse is human and made a huge mistake. If your spouse has never cheated again and fully recommitted to the relationship then you need to too! That is unless any cheating is a deal breaker for you. In that case, you may want to forgive and move on. Though if you are married, I strongly believe marriages are not to be entered into nor existed lightly! So you better make sure you’ve done all you can do before you walk away with regrets! Ironically, Crazy slept with half of Penn State’s female population while we were dating and I never held anything against him when we stayed friends for years. I mean I was pissed at the time but because I never truly loved him so my heart and mind did not hold on to his sins! Not to mention, I paid his ass back nicely when I met and chose Jason! ?? Never cheat in revenge! I don’t recommend it but when I was young…I accidentally did and when I saw the hurt on Crazy’s face (though we were broken up so it wasn’t cheating in this instance) as he was fucking up my apartment once he saw the huge hicky Jason left on my neck…I couldn’t help but think we were finally fucking even! ?? But yea…don’t be young Kingston! Lol. Now let me get back on track. Our UNFORGIVENESS is more about us than the person that hurt us. We have to do the work on ourselves (whether or not our spouse recommits to us). Free yourself from the hurt. You were treated less than but you are more than…shown through your love and forgiveness to a partner that is willing to do the work and not betray us again. You are worthy my dear. To my reader I say, God is love and if God can forgive us, who are we not to forgive others? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Strange topic for today but since I’ve been working on myself and the status of my heart…there is no time like the present to discuss something heavy on my heart. I really hope today’s blog helps many. Editor’s tip: when I’m remembering hurts from the Ex Factor, I make a mental note of all the crap he has forgiven me for….because neither of us are perfect! One love?
I learned in marriage counseling that it entraps both you and your spouse or even a potential love if you dont forgive
forgiveness is letting it go for you and you literally will never grow holding onto the past
it never works out
if infidelity is going on it takes time to be honest with yourself about the inability to move past it
i think that honesty is more important than the act itself its fair in my eyes to leave not based the act of cheating but the act of unforgiveness towards it
will you have to work it out within you even after you leave? yes if you want to be whole but that doesnt mean you have to stick by the person’s side while going through the process
I appreciate you giving my married readers some guidance Toi! I know it will help a bunch! Personally, I don’t like what UNForgiveness has done to me. I am more insecure and doubtful now but that’s on me because I took baggage with me that I shouldn’t have. Even though I left the Ex Factor for two years after the incident, I will always wonder what would have happened if I had handled things a mature way and tackled the issue with him instead of AT him… ~KJM