The subway. It has been such a long time since I have written anything and the first two words I share with you are “the subway.” Disappointing, at first, perhaps but stick with me. Nothing is as it seems when I allow myself to pour deeply into my subconscious and become somewhat conscious. I have been thinking of writing this for a while. Not sure why it took me so many years to get here. Where is here? The train also known as the NYC subway. Pre-pandemic, I worked 12 plus hours a day…6 to 7 days a week…and rode both NJ Transit and the MTA like a zombie. Train after train….face after face…some days nothing stuck and other days everything stuck. It was on one of these everything stuck train rides that birthed this particular blog. I cannot remember the year but I can remember the time period…February something. Not sure how long I had been dating the Ex Factor. Ah yes…I know you were wondering if he would be in this story and almost 13 years later…he is still in this story. I should be embarrassed or ashamed but we all maneuver in life the best way we can. Right at the start of the pandemic, I got so tired from declaring I was leaving him like I do every year. My poor friends and family were probably finally relieved I have retired from the dramatics. You leave people or stay with people exactly when you are suppose to. Declarations that you just don’t stick to become similar to New Year’s resolutions that we never quite complete. Embarrassing…I know but I always forget that I am HUMAN and by definition my life is plagued with mistakes. Anyways…enough of that disclaimer! You know good and damn well that you are on the train with the Ex Factor and I whether you like it or not! The train. On this particular evening, I was working down by Wall Street. I say that because this train ride was long enough for me to notice and feel everything. Damn…I am kind of wondering if this was in 2012…I know for a fact that February the Ex Factor and I were beefing around Valentine’s Day. I vaguely remembered that I had to work and he wanted to spend part of V Day with me and then go on to his other plans?! Hopeless romantic…he ain’t. Okay….wait that cannot be February 2012 because I was working somewhere in Midtown. Shorter train ride to the Port of Authority and less time to observe. Plus I know for a fact, the Ex Factor and I argued so bad…I stopped speaking to him for a couple of weeks. Anyway. So I am on this train from downtown to uptown…it’s February….something….and I have set the scene. I must have gotten off work earlier than usual because this particular train car is packed….as if the evening rush hour is slowly thinning out. People are laughing, reading, and even eating. Yuck to eating on the damn subway! I am standing and holding on to one of those nasty metal train poles…hoping not to get groped nor accidentally grope anyone. Suddenly, I see a couple planting gentle kisses on each other. Now I am not a huge PDA person…unless you count having sex in public places and hoping not to get caught. Sex in public places only with the Ex Factor of course. He always brings out the adventure in me…even now. Every time with him STILL feels like the first time. But I digress. Back to the kissing. I started to stare at this couple which is so unusual for me. It wasn’t the kissing that got me. It was the way he was staring at her. Like the look of I love you and only you…hit me deep in my soul. The way he looked at her during this entire train ride was a look of love and reassurance. I had always seen in movies people referring to how a man looks at a woman and insinuating certain looks of love (won’t even touch some of the disgusting and assaulting looks men give women here because this blog is about love) express something deep. To piggyback off that thought, even in real life I have had friends mention that they can tell so and so love their friend because of the way he looks at her. Don’t know if I had ever bared witness to any such looks for myself or my friends. Maybe before this train ride…I never noticed. Anyways, it got me thinking…have any of my romantic partners looked at me like this? To my recollection, NO. And certainly not the Ex Factor. That was the gut puncher right there. Now in his defense, he is 6’7 and I am 5’7. We have been in the mall and he’s almost mowed over people’s very tiny kids because they are not in his immediate view of eyesight. I yell and he quickly moves out the way. I think that’s how it’s always been. Me literally seeing things he could not. Me sparing a random toddler from getting accidentally stomped on by the Jolly Green Giant. But I digress…again. The train. This very intimate train ride got me thinking and more than just about the Ex Factor…though he was the end game. Had I ever felt loved romantically by any boy/man my entire dating life (age 15-now). The answer is NO. It didn’t matter what they all said or how much money they spent on me…romantically I had never felt loved. And what would make me feel loved? I still have no fucking clue but I know I have never felt it. Strongest unconditional love I have ever felt (besides from God Himself)…is from my Daddy. So I do know love and powerfully so…just not romantic. Now this very train ride lead to years (yea I don’t know how many) of observations. At the end of 2022, I made the most startling observation! Not only had I not felt loved by anyone I had dated but I asked myself a very tough question…DID I THINK ANY OF MY PAST GUYS FELT LOVED BY ME?? And my answer was a solid NO! This includes the Ex Factor. This thought made me sad the most… I am not built like most women I know. I grew up with a mom and grandma (my mom’s mom) being Hannibal Lecter like (see the movie “Silence Of The Lambs” for reference). We are all emotionally unavailable….mommy, me, and grandma Lecter. There is one thing that makes me different…I am only emotionally unavailable romantically… Unlike my grandma and mother, when it comes to raising kids and taking care of my cubs…I am filled with love and understanding. Ironic that I never want biological kids but that’s for a blog about my very fucked up childhood. Can’t pack everything into this blog and thank goodness for that! This train ride is all I want to focus on. It is all I want to live and feel. Me watching two lovers kiss and stare into each other’s eyes while feeling completely dead inside when it came to my own romantic pursuits. The train. If I have never intentionally and purposely given romantic love (Julio my high school boyfriend and the Ex Factor are the only two guys I have had real feelings for and if you ask me…the Ex Factor has been my one true love), it’s no fucking wonder…I have never felt romantically loved! Eureka! My mommy issues snowballed into my being emotionally unavailable and now I have this weird twisted pseudo love life that I actually didn’t ask for. Never been big on dating. Always just wanted to travel the world with two dogs (Muffy and Buffy). My cubs (for the most part) are doing well. They don’t really need me overseeing their lives like I did when they were little. But before I can board the plane with Muffy and Buffy (whom I have yet to adopt so they are more fictitious right now), two King Charles Cavaliers, I seem to be stuck on this fucking train! This train of discomfort, unfamiliar glances, love, and self analysis. I currently feel like I am sitting in shit…while now riding this metaphorical train in this still very dirty subway. Most tourists and commuters just focus on the abnormally huge sewer rats on the subway platforms. Me…I zone out…until I board a train car that has me all in my feelings. A train ride that would be the start of a major change in my life. It was a slow transformation and I still feel like I am mid metamorphosis. Not quite the cocoon. Not quite the butterfly. My first stop this year…is to focus on how I give love. Yes I deserve to receive love too but I think my entire dating life…I have been focused on what I have been receiving. Never really admitting to myself that I gave so little to those I cared for, liked, entertained, or loved! I recently had a good friend remind me of something…”Forever isn’t real. No one can predict the future so how can anyone say they will be with someone forever. All you can do is put in the work everyday.” Now turning the page to do the work. I am terrified, I am uncomfortable, this week I wanted to quit because it was not easy, I am constantly in my feelings and in my damn head, and I am exhausted at times from doing a little more than my bare minimum. I am being very real with you. But every day, since 2023 started, I have made the conscious decision to love the Ex Factor a little more. I get why some of the women in my family are dead inside and comfortable with being emotionally unavailable (even with their children)….doing the work is so hard. Believing and trusting when you cannot see what lies ahead takes constant faith! And did I mention I am at a huge turning point in my career…been barely holding my head above water for over the last 4 months but pushing forward despite it all because I refuse to drown. I am not in the best place in life and yet this is when my damn metamorphosis got more intense. Discomfort better lead to fucking growth! I am sitting in metaphorical shit on all levels of my life while still trying to learn to love unconditionally! The Ex Factor and I have both made some huge mistakes. I feel like we have been to hell and back for almost the last 13 years. Dear God, 2023 is suppose to be our Jordan year…please don’t allow us to fuck this up! Oh yea…and fuck this train. I am mentally exhausted and frankly…I only paid for one train ride. MTA. I did not ask for years of self analysis. ~KJM
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