It is a difficult thing to admit…being someone’s romantic placeholder. One time or another most of us have been one…whether we knew it or not. We were holding a space for a lost love or a love that has yet to be discovered. A placeholder. It is also a difficult thing to admit that he started off as my placeholder in summer 2010. With both Julio (whom I was no longer attracted to) and Phoenix (whom I am still dangerously attracted to) on my heels and lots of career stress, I felt like I did not want to make a choice. Plus there was Carlos, a guy I met in NC and dated for a few months (end of 2008 into 2009) before he had to go to Afghanistan and Iraq for work. Carlos was who I thought was going to be my second love. Handsome, sexy, built, tatted, and great with his hands…Carlos was that dude. Unfortunately, I did not appreciate him until he was overseas. He was to be gone for two years. By then I would be back up North. I had no plans of waiting for him…for I wasn’t in love but I circled his name to remind myself to swing back around when he permanently got back to the states! ? While not waiting alone, I found myself in drama with Crazy, Julio resurfaced (once again heartbroken from some chick who was his “one” ?) and then in early 2010 I looked up Phoenix on Facebook. Intellectually brilliant plus sexy as hell…we fell back into our talking everyday routine. Phoenix held me down through the beginning of my professional struggles but it would be the boy I friend requested in December 2009, the Ex Factor, who would ride out every ugly professional wave with me. At the time, the Ex Factor was just some kid that I thought was cute but way too young for me. I only became aware of him because our sisters had been friends for years….during the time I was living down south. We weren’t suppose to meet. We weren’t suppose to know each other. Almost 8 years later, I’m not sure why we still know each other. At 20 years old, he was the underdog. I had completely cut Crazy off for lying to me about his live in girlfriend (roommate my ass) and after hooking up with broken-hearted Julio a couple of times, I was blacking out during sex. No memory of him being inside of me. It was some weird emotional sign that I was no longer physically nor emotionally attracted to Julio. To this day, he does not believe this and still thinks I want him but let the record show he hasn’t seen the P in my pussy since January 2010 and has not seen me in person since May 2010, shortly after I slept with Phoenix for the first time in years! ??? Even when shit got hard with the Ex Factor, I would turn to Phoenix but I never took Crazy nor Julio back….not even as my friends. Julio and I would keep in touch like distant cousins until he insisted on thinking I wanted him then he got on my long term blocked list and shall stay there! I know that all sounds like useless information but I had to give you some of the history to understand how the Ex Factor started off as my placeholder and after I fell in love…how I became his. I underestimated him. In June 2010, the Ex Factor was just a baby…a barely legal baby…but a baby. I thought if I just kicked it with him for the summer then I didn’t have to make any serious decisions about my personal life. This much was true and is still true. ? He would plan all day dates while I stressed over my job hunt. The Ex Factor would even go as far as look up jobs for me and email them to me. He held me down in a way none of the others could. It is important to note that Julio did not even try which is another reason I will never take his ass back! ✌? I struggled and would not have even eaten that summer if I had not been dating the Ex Factor. Financially and in my family life, so much bad was happening and my then placeholder changed position and became my love…my fucking rock. I did not even know I could fall in love since Julio was the only other guy I ever had true feelings for. I always thought I was love proof but the Ex Factor became my only exception and still is. Over the years, I asked for many breaks…sometimes it’s because I felt he wasn’t treating me right, other times it was because I met another guy who swore up and down he would treat me better than the Ex Factor, and then there were times (like recently) where I needed a break because I’m sick of arguing with my selfish and stubborn love. I think in his mind, he’s either waiting for someone better or he thinks I am waiting for someone better or it is a combination of both. Now it appears we are each other’s placeholders. I think he’s mourning a childhood love and I’m awaiting a strong adult love I have yet to discover. Pretty fucked up…I know. And so we go in circles and we fight and fight and fight. It’s exhausting. Folks ask why I stay but I don’t think I would consider myself to have stayed with him the entire 8 years. I am in and I am out…always calling the breaks. Maybe we are just comfortable but usually being comfortable means that everything is easy going. There ain’t shit easy going about us. There are years when he just turns my motherfucking stomach and I am sure he feels the same about me. Our sex life goes up and down (which I think is typical for sleeping with each other for almost a decade)…yet I still like him more than I like anyone new I meet. There are days I don’t even want him to lay next to me and I don’t think I have allowed him to hold me in months. He attacks my self esteem and I clip his balls! Boy we are a fucking piece of work! ? The thing that sets him apart from any other guy is I actually have feelings for him. It’s so hard for me to truly care about a guy. They could be hotter or have more money but are they going to be able to be patient when I put them on the firing squad? Are they going to always respond to me when I’m cussing them out? Are they going to accept that I am a solo traveler at heart and in deed? Will they get mad that my girls’ nights mean more to me than laying up with them? Will they be upset that I’m still my first priority? Maybe we placeholders are just comfortable…a different type of comfortable until something makes us uncomfortable. Still I’m down here in hell with the only person I would ask to join me in hell…or anywhere for that matter. ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. What a fucking mess! Don’t be us. Lol.
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