The Little Blow Job That Could (The I Am Mortified Edition)

Let me start off by saying that this is the one topic I shy away from. Every time it comes up, I want to crawl under the earth. And no it’s not because I’m some sort of religious freak…it’s because I suck at it! ? There are so many areas in the bedroom that I excel in but like most students…you can’t get an A plus in everything. Getting a D hurts my feelings though. ? As my feelings get deeper for Elijah, I think about how I want to increase our sexual experience. I want to please and be pleased. Right now he probably thinks I’m not open to head but that’s further from the truth. I’m just waiting for the right time to discuss my concerns with him. And lawd knows by discussing it openly with my readers first, I run the risk of my parents reading this. To them I say…you did not waste your money on 13 years of Catholic school! Jesus was out there preaching to the pimps and hoes so I’m pretty sure the blow job existed BC (before Christ). HE had to deal with the topic and so do I! And if you read this in detail, I’m pretty sure Mama Michaels is disgusted (she is one of those undercover freaks who pretend to be Jesus’ cousin) and Papa Michaels is thinking…’well this is TMI but at least I know my daughter isn’t selfish!’ Lol! Ok before I lose my nerve…let’s bravely go where most of you dare not…lets talk openly about 15 HARD facts about the little blow job that could…my journey into giving Elijah the perfect blow job!

15. JULIO WAS THE FIRST! As most of you know, Julio and I lost our virginities to each other my second semester of college…almost 3 years into dating. He has been my first for almost everything. Coincidentally, he was the first guy to indicate I sucked at giving head. No pun intended. We slept with each other on and off January 2000-January 2010. Later on in life, Julio became one of two guys who enjoyed my blow job. Because we were each other’s first…I hope he would agree with me here…what he had on his body was meant for me to explore and what I had was for him. It felt like that for a long time until I met and fell in love with the ex factor in June 2010.

14. PHOENIX PUT ME ON TO BLOW JOBS! While Julio was my first, when I met Phoenix in Maryland…my first year after graduating from college…he turned me out. Julio and Phoenix make up all my first sexual experiences except multiple orgasms and that tossed salad fiasco! Lmfao! Up until 2015, Phoenix and I had an on and off again friendship from January 2004-September 2014. I could open up to him sexually in a way I thought I could only do with Julio. Plus Phoenix is a freak! He taught me so much about my body and he was so patient. Four years younger than me, Phoenix had the makings of a porn star and the mind of a doctor! I’m forever grateful for the times he held me and tried to fuck my broken heart away. Baby boy, I hope you are doing well in your new career, parenthood, and love?

13. I DO NOT SUCK MOST DUDES’ DICKS! I’m very selective about my sex partners…though every now and then I make some bad choices! Not every man I slept with…got a blow job from me. Fellatio to me is a sign of trust (yea I know some of y’all suck dick like you pop tic tacs…no judgement here but that’s just not me). I have to feel like I care about the guy, trust him, and an open to exploring him.

12. THE EX FACTOR WAS WEIRD ABOUT HEAD! Part of why I need a remedial head class was the last guy I dated on and off for 5 years. He didn’t eat pussy (typical Jamaican man…though I know some that do! Lol) and since that’s not my favorite thing (though now I need it in my life) I never brought it up. Even worse, he had this thing that if I gave him head…I couldn’t kiss him after! What the fuck?! I should never have sucked his dick but unfortunately he explained this to me while I was going down on him! What a fucking turn off! So during the 5 years I hardly gave him head…especially once I felt like he was seeing other women. I just stopped venturing down there. It’s funny because I use to think the ex factor and I had a great sex life but In actuality it was terrible for me! I did all the work, he never ate my pussy, and he was the only one cuming! I’m dry just thinking about it! FYI the ex factor claimed he asked some of his male friends and they said they didn’t let women kiss them after blow jobs! Yea ok…they lied to him! They probably tasted their own cum so many times they had a recipe for how they wanted it prepared! ✌?

11. MY SISTER BRENDA’S ADVICE PART 1! That’s right…shit is so bad my baby sister is giving me tips on sucking dick! Brenda says I’ve to aggressively stare at the penis and Elijah in their face as I perform fellatio! Ok I’m going to throw up now! Why the fuck I got to stare at the penis aggressively?! Is the penis going to fight me? And I kind of like to hide under the covers while I perform?

10. I HAVE SEEN THE LOOK OF BOREDOM ON GUYS’ FACES AS I GIVE HEAD! Ugh. I try to get it over with quickly! Every now and then I would look up and he looked like he was about to fall asleep! I didn’t lose my cool. I just moved on to my other tricks that made their eyes roll in the back of their heads. I’m a rider and I’m a pleasure is pain woman when with the right open partner. Head though…ugh! I’m behind!

9. DID I MISS SOME SUCK DICK CLASS? Every woman I talk to…including my sister, Brenda, says they are great at blow jobs! Where was I when that class was taught?! No seriously…I’ve always been a good student! Can I get a make up class?!

8. I WANT TO GIVE ONLY ELIJAH TRUE PLEASURE! While I’ve always known my head game was an issue…I only recently started to get seriously worried! I just want to learn how to do it the way Elijah likes!

7. NO TWO BLOW JOBS ARE CREATED EQUAL! Even though I’m behind in the times, I know that no two men like their dick sucked the same way. Hence why some men enjoyed my job and many others didn’t!

6. BRENDA’S ADVICE PART 2! My sister says I should watch porn hub to get ideas. What the fuck is porn hub? I’m up on the facebooks, instagrams, and even snap chat…yet someone forgot to tell me to subscribe to porn hub? Will this really help?

5. SWALLOWING! Julio’s daily average cum could fill up two red cups! Ugh…so through that experience I learned that swallowing should just be a treat. I’ve done it only a few times….FUCK I don’t even like to drink milk and I hate mayonnaise! Surprisingly, I get a standing ovation when I swallow. Ugh…I try not to leave a drop…? I think of it like vodka shots. If you let the vodka hit your tongue on the first shot, you won’t be able to do shots all night. That shit has to hit the back of your throat and you swallow. Also, other ingredients help like whipped cream or my favorite with Phoenix…pancake syrup! Lol. Don’t knock it until you try it!

4. BALLS! What to do with balls to increase the experience? Phoenix had some of the biggest balls I’ve ever seen. They looked like the balls of a horse! I tried to lick around them but then I just got so fucking tired! Still…I know that balls are a part of the process! Just can’t avoid them!

3. THE ZONE BETWEEN BALLS AND THE ASSHOLE…BRENDA’S ADVICE PART 3! Everyone including Brenda knows about this area but me. I’ve been told time and time again that when a man is close to climaxing that I should gentle put my thumb in this area! What the fuck….I’ve a gel manicure! Are women out there really doing this? Does it increase his climax? Inquiring thumbs want to know!

2. MY FRIENDS’ ADVICE! Willow has these beautiful full lips so I know she doesn’t have an issue in this area. Grace, one of two of my married female friends that I go to for relationship advice…who is married with 2 kids in FL (shit that was a lot to say), says her husband is the only man she has ever given fellatio to. She says he’s patient as she learns how to do it. I hope Elijah will be patient too because I’m challenged! And lastly, Tiffany (you remember her from my online dating article), says she excels in this area but not riding (being on top)! I guess every woman has something she needs to perfect! We tried to swop sex advice like we were swopping recipes?? Seriously…what is this world coming to? Ok now I’m traumatized!

1. THE NO TEETH MINI EDITION! Number 1 rule is no teeth! Even I know that…even though some men like a little teeth when they are feeling extra freaky! Still though…so much goes into giving a good blow job? ~KJM on Hump Day saying sucking dick ain’t easy. Do it right, get it wet, put pressure on that weird zone between the balls and the asshole, and swallow…don’t spit and then…fucking repeat! Wtf! Taking the SATs was way easier! FML!