The End (Again) aka “Once a good girl’s gone bad, she’s gone forever” Edition ~Jay Z’s Song Cry

It’s something very difficult to say to a man and so I didn’t. I let him have the last words. And I didn’t drop a single tear because I really needed this chapter closed. I let him accuse me of always wanting more than he could give/was willing to give. Essentially I let him make me the bad guy. I did ask for a heartfelt apology but was greeted with a half ass “I’ve apologized in the past.” I called it a break that we needed but I knew better. This entire summer I’ve been warning him that I’m turning cold…not wanting to feel his touch. He said he did not understand. This had happened to me once before…where I had to explain to a man that he had emotionally bruised me so much that I was no longer physically, emotionally, nor mentally attracted to him. Only big difference in that situation is we were not in love with each other anymore and we were just spending time together. I don’t think he believed me then either. Now back to my current situation. I couldn’t bare to tell him I spent the last week dreading seeing him and purposely put it off. How I got physically sick when I saw his text messages asking me how my day was. How I got tired of asking people to support us and pray for us. How one Saturday morning I was on the train headed to work praying and crying under my dark shades. And how shortly after this man appeared out of no where (a few minutes after I stopped crying)…I slowly began my exit. I don’t know if this person was sent by God or the devil but I was disappearing. I saw a door open. At first, I thought this was the old me coming back again. The old me would carry on two relationships simultaneously because I’m not married and believe in exercising my options. I had been doing that since I was 15. But I was disappearing and my personality was way too large to stay in the “take what you can get/try to change a man I’m in love with" club. That’s like not my style! I’m not even sure how the fuck I got here for so long…5yrs and 3mths of making a wrong turn. So I unintentionally began my exit. And there was no way I could look at my present situation and say you abandoned me and so here we are. I think I’ve found someone else. You just can’t say that to a man. I also couldn’t say that when we end on a Tuesday night, I will be giving my new conquest my business card on a Wednesday morning. I didn’t dare say that. I let him agree to the break but not before I begged him never to put another woman through this shit. Either get your stuff together and be the man she needs or walk…the fuck…away! I’m unique that way. Always worrying about the woman behind me. I only want to hear good updates (if any). I would hate to find out she cried as much as I did or more. I cringe at the thought. And I pray on it. As for me….I learned a lot. Especially that opportunity waits for no woman. I’ve also learned that you can leave a relationship/situation long before you physically leave it. I left him emotionally December 2012 and June 2015. Yea there won’t be another date. Lol. Business card in hand and ready to make moves. Stay inspired my friends! When one door closes a few always swing open 🙂 ~KJM baring my soul on Hump Day