I told him…I felt like I was floating away from him but he thought he knew better. A man only knows a man. Man has no clue what dwells in the heart and soul of a woman. But he still thought he knew better. We began spending less and less time together. Things actually got worse once I got my own apartment. You see before…we use to have a get away spot where we would laugh, talk, cuddle, and make love. In some rare but very much needed moments….we would stay locked up together for two days and it was great! I could hang on through the bad as long as the good out weighed it. But in the last year, he had no time for me. Days of love making was reduced to a few minutes a month. It felt strange laying in his arms and most of the time, I was relieved when he left. No longer wanting him to stay with me. I felt myself floating away but he still thought he knew best. Something was pulling him away from me and after a while…I no longer cared where he went. I just wanted my inner peace. For most men, touch is so important but for many of us women, touch without true intimacy (from a man we care for) is a betrayal of our bodies. ?? So while my mind and heart battled out whether to stick things through…my body was going through a war. His touch was foreign and unwanted but me still trying to please him….allowed him to touch me. Most of the time he selfishly ignored the fact that I was not even moist in my sensational temple. I was DRY and had been that way for two years! But he thought he knew better. He says he’s been keeping his dick to himself and I believe him. But what his dick does was the least of my concern. The condition of his heart was the deepest way he could betray me. I feel numbness. Emptiness…when I lay next to him. Yet I am full of life, when he leaves. While I have no desire for another man, I also have no desire for the man that lays next to me. I’m just waiting for this stranger to get up and leave. We aren’t married and aren’t even seriously dating (after 7 years) that’s why I’m being so open with you all. I have no foundation to protect. The effects of lack of true intimacy while sexual intercourse occurs only leads to a woman desiring something else. Maybe someone else. For man’s touch alone without love, trust, security, and quality time cannot sustain the heart of a woman. She is but an empty vessel…awaiting something deeper, lasting, mind blowing, and earth shattering. And I finally accepted the fact that there is nothing the flesh can do to save us. For he is just a man and man by creation…is limited. Thus my serenity is found in accepting that I’m in waiting. My body triumphed my mind and my heart. It could no longer continue to be betrayed for it was created to nourish and to build….not to be an empty vessel. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday.
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