I know that I’m blessed. There’s no way I would deny that but for some reason this time of year (the Christmas/New Years season) makes me feel like I’ve come up short every year. I’m pretty sure I, like many people, suffer from S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Still even with knowing that, once I take stock of my year as it comes to an end….it always appears that my hopes and dreams died with it. This year I had great hopes for the love I found in 2010. For sure, I thought the ex factor would keep his promises and be a different man than he had been all the other years. This year he was worst than any other year. With each passing month, my hopes and dreams of spending my life with the man I’ve loved the most got crushed. At some point I felt like I was drowning and every day was filled with sadness while every other day was filled with tears. What had become of my life? I left him before…for two years though we still communicated because he never wanted to lose contact. I went through phases of loving and hating him but 2015 brought on some new emotions. Tired, sick and tired, and then downright disgusted by him were my new emotions. As I clung to my sanity, I prayed God would rescue me because I felt trapped. He lost his job in March and I just couldn’t leave until he got a new one. Summer 2010, I was in the midst of a bad storm and the ex factor rode it out with me. I felt indebted. So I stayed and I stayed tortured. Prayer after prayer. Only the Good Lord Himself could save me. Finally, he got a job and 24 hours later I asked for a break. After all I was broken and sick and tired. I earned that break! This was almost 3 months ago and I still feel like I barely have my head above water. I just kept praying and praying as I moved forward. Me and my broken self need to forever be free of a love that was never meant to be. The crazy thing is even with freeing myself, this time of year, as it gets darker outside earlier and colder, I still feel like a failure. It’s like there will never be a New Years where I say…this was my year and I thank you Lord. I’m generally saying, this was a year of hardship and yet I still thank you Lord. I’m forever “praising HIM in the Hallway” before that door of utter abundance and blessings open. To all my believers, do you ever feel like HE has you on a permanent waiting list? I’ve a semi career, family life is ok (though I can’t wait until I’m living on my own again), new boo can be a breath of fresh air at times and a ball of confusion at other times…yet I’m grateful. But why am I always waiting and in the midst of that wait I’m being told to be patient. PAUSE! In the middle of writing this blog on the subway, I had to stop to get off the train. Just as I was walking to the end of the train, I see a young lady on the ground, the train engineer with his head sticking out his window, and two men offering to help lift her up but she doesn’t want the help. She has a prosthetic leg that gave out on her. As I watched her struggle to get up on her own, I burst out into tears! Why am I asking God if He has forsaken me by not giving me love nor a booming career?! The lady in front of me would probably be happy with two legs! Jesus be a fence! This time of year makes some of us, me including, throw ourselves a pity party! It’s not to say that I shouldn’t feel heartbreak because I do…but I should be focused on the bigger blessings. God allowed me to quit my job in Richmond and move back to Jersey within 48 hours last April yet HE always kept me working! Also, while it hurt closing the door on the ex factor and the future I prayed on, God gave me the strength to close that door and move forward! I’m breathing, I can walk, I can smell the flowers, and guess what?! He’s allowing me to step into a new season of hope! AMEN! So if you are like me and you are suffering from S.A.D., hold on, move forward, and thank the Lord, you are no longer where you were yesterday! This is why I love blogging in real time as opposed to sitting down and carefully writing out my thoughts. I hope you can feel my sadness, my tears, and my joy in writing this post! ~KJM on Throwback Thursday
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