Mister He Is Too Perfect…Isn’t He? Part 1 (The Follow Your Gut Edition)

Recently, a close friend of mine ended a relationship with a guy she knew from high school but had bumped into years later. The break up was quite dramatic (on his part and his baby mother’s). My friend is a classy woman so she did not go there with them. She wished them well on getting their family back together. Once she was off the phone with them, however, she had this sudden instinct to google him and found a couple of mug shots…one of which was a charge/conviction for sexual assault on a child! Yikes! The shock of this person not being who he portrayed himself to be hit my friend hard! I mean this man has children of his own! ? My friend and I spoke for hours this weekend and something she said struck a cord in me and suddenly I knew what today’s Charm School lesson was going to be: all that glitters isn’t necessarily gold! ?? As my friend relived aspects of the relationship and tried to get over of the shock (not that the relationship ended but that of his double life)…she mentioned she was never attracted to him and did see some warning signs but nothing that could have ever prepared her for what she found out! I then asked why she gave him a chance if there was no initial attraction? She responded…it was the way he treated me. Then a light bulb?went off for me! It’s not Throwback Thursday nor Flashback Friday but sometimes we have to take a random spin back in time to learn a HARD lesson. Let’s go to February 2013 and to Mr. Toss Salad! Y’all remember him from my never settle quote? The penis I felt but never ever dared to look at because I didn’t like the way it felt in my hand! Now let me pump the breaks here. If you are a man reading this, I am not putting Mr. Toss Salad down because we didn’t work out! I’m simply stating my mind frame while dating him. Elijah and I didn’t work out either and I would never take his looks nor his dick size away from him. Those areas were really a none issue with Elijah. I say this all to point out that I’m not a bitter woman going after a man that it didn’t work out with. That’s not even my style. Now back to that toss salad! In December 2012, I seriously felt that the Ex Factor was seeing someone behind my back. For months things were off and he seemed to have no time for me. I’m not saying he slept with her (and he still denies this fact) but for me it felt like he was falling for someone else! Any woman IN LOVE with a man will tell you that where his dick goes is important but where his heart goes is crucial and devastating! I asked him over and over if there was someone else and he said no. But I could feel him pulling away and the day after Christmas…I cut the Ex Factor off without any warning. I cried through the streets of Midtown Manhattan and would call my same female friend mentioned in this blog on my lunch breaks. I was a mess as I ignored the Ex Factor’s texts. And so I pushed myself to move on. I wasn’t ready to date and I made that clear to Phoenix…and later on to Mr. Toss Salad. This was the one time in my life that I knew I wasn’t ready to date. Still February 14, 2013 was around the corner and I wanted to go visit a city that singles ruled! I randomly chose Atlanta…home of Mr. Toss Salad. I knew him from college (when he tried hard to get with me) and even though he was a man…I was never attracted to him so I was never worried about dating him. We had kept in touch through Facebook since college so I hit him up and told him I’m coming to Atlanta. Mr. Toss Salad knew I was going through a breakup and told me that I could stay with him for the 4 days I would be in the A. And no we did not sleep together on this weekend! Papa Michaels didn’t get it. I usually spend part of Vday with my daddy. As we were having brunch, Papa Michaels was like…“I don’t get you young folks! In my day, if I’m spending Valentine’s Day with a woman, I’m hitting it!” Truth be told, same probably goes for my generation but when I put that pussy pad lock on…no liquor…no amount of wining and dining can unlock it…unless I’m mentally vulnerable. I’m a very purposeful woman when it comes to sex. This was the ONE exception. I went to Atlanta and literally had the best Valentines Day I had ever had. Mr. Toss Salad requested that I be dressed up when I arrive in Atlanta. He had the entire weekend planned out and it was all a SURPRISE JUST FOR ME! He picked me up in a 3 piece gray suit (now he could kill a suit for sure! Can’t deny that) and when I got in his car, some of my gifts were waiting for me. And yes I had a gift for him. I bought him and my daddy Valentine’s Day gifts. Papa Michael did not raise a woman to get catered to but never cater to anyone else! I wasn’t showing up to the A empty handed!?? From the airport, we drove to the Fox Theater to see the Alvin Ailey Dance Company! I was blown away! What an AMAZING show! Like I literally teared up…that’s how moving the show was!?? After the show, we had a late night dinner at a very romantic Italian restaurant where he ordered for me (which I never let a man do). He was nailing the things I liked and I am such a particular person! When the bill came, I reached for it. After all…he wasn’t my man…he was my friend and he already paid for the show. He quickly took it out my hand and paid it! Mr. Toss Salad then said in all the years he’s been taking “women” out for Valentine’s Day…not one of them 1. Ever bought him a gift and 2. Never offered to pay the bill for dinner! I guess at that moment he saw something he had to get meanwhile I was just happy to not be focusing on my broken heart and the Ex Factor. The next couple of days were filled with breakfast in bed (even if he was at work) and it was Lent so Mr. Toss Salad paid close attention to my dietary restrictions on the Friday…filled with Spa Days…big lunches with family and friends…strip clubs (it was the A?)…and more gifts! I’ve dated some great men in my past but NONE catered to me like Mr. Toss Salad. I will remind you again that even after this 4 day extravaganza…I still never slept with him. He did, however, convince me to give him a chance. Let’s go back a second…while in Atlanta…I heard from the Ex Factor AND Julio!!! My last morning in Atlanta, Mr. Toss Salad begged me to let the exes go and give him a chance! He was sure he was my husband! I didn’t know what to think. He wasn’t my type and there was no physical chemistry for me but I was beginning to think that was my issue…liking the pretty bad boys and not giving other guys a chance. So I told him I’m still not ready to date as he told me the time was NOW. So much happened in the months I went back and forth to the A. There’s so much I want to say but don’t want any more drama from this situation. I will say, however, I’m lucky I got the fuck out of Atlanta with my damn life but um…Jersey don’t play. While this man was wining and dining me, tossing my salad GOOD (remember I never ordered that shit), introducing me to friends and family as his WOMAN, came home every night with gifts for me….even a dozen peach roses (remembering that I don’t like red roses), holding me for hours, and telling me I was THE ONE….he was living an ugly double life!!!! You fill in the blank here! I can only tell you my version of things…I’m sure he has his truth (if he can ever find it). For me (just like my female friend) it wasn’t about the fact that the relationship was over (Thank God for protecting me)….it was more about that this person was not who I thought he was! I spent the two years after this mess self reflecting…during which I randomly moved to Richmond, VA. The Ex Factor stayed close by (kept in touch)…even with me leaving him with no notice and throwing the Atlanta relationship in his face one time (one time too many). During that time, I didn’t date, kicked it with Phoenix a bit, and kept in touch with the love of my life…not quite understanding how we got here. Shit wasn’t easy and I fell apart for a while before I got right. Shout out to Willow, Grace, Harmony, Toi, and all my other family and friends who uplifted and supported me during these dark hours. By the time I moved back to my home state, I was the secure and happy Kingston dating the Ex Factor again! Right back where I started. Should have just worked through it instead of around it. And I know I love that man (the Ex Factor) so much because he never asked me a single question about where I had been and what I had done. All he wanted to know that it was just us again. And it was…for a while. Until we disconnected and then found ourselves again. For the first time, I feel like the 6 years of storms…broke our hearts but gave us the tools to heal them again. I went through hell and back loving this man but some of that hell (like Mr. Toss Salad) I brought on my damn self! From the jump, my gut was telling me something was off and a little voice was saying don’t trust Mr. Toss Salad. But he had a familiar face that I had known of for over a decade. So I accepted his smile…never realizing I was going to be laying down with the devil. The moral of the story here: if something seems too perfect…it just may be! Listen to your gut and run if it tells you so! Both my female friend and I let these guys in because they seemed like perfect gentlemen. They treated us like QUEENS! Even though our hearts weren’t in it…and our intuition said there may be danger there…we didn’t listen. A good man is not going to be without his flaws. While the Ex Factor is not the pay attention to every detail type of guy nor is he the wine and dine type of guy…what makes him perfect is the fact I love him. He’s perfect for me. Not the kind of fake the perfection that seems like one is trying to buy you or make you into a trophy. I don’t have to be perfect for the Ex Factor either. I’m overly emotional and needy (for lack of a better word) when it comes to him…but I can be ME. I’m typically a fucking mess but he’s hanging in there for that too. Y’all be careful out there because sometimes the grass is brown and full of patches on the other side! Also, remember that the devil that has a familiar face can bring you deeper into the depths of hell than a stranger. Don’t ever let your guard down. Protect your heart and your body at all times! Learn for our mistakes! ~KJM on Charm School Monday✌?️