I let it all fall by the wayside…because if I didn’t…it…would…continue to weigh me down. Destroy the love in my heart. Turn me bitter as if I just had to confront a cheating lover. Make me lose my religion. I let it all fall by the wayside because I no longer had the energy to carry it. For years, I took this burden with me and it blocked me from every joyous moment I could have ever had. Days and nights of crying and not sleeping. Weight gain from being completely unhappy with my circumstances and feeling trapped in it. There were times I lost hope and just stood in it…stood in all my fears, baggage, unhappiness, and tears. And in the thick of it…I almost lost my mind! No one would know I went through these things because I hid every scar. At daybreak, they saw a strong woman emerge but at night…when I was sure I was alone…I would breakdown. Letting the brokenness swallow me up. Praying I would be numb to all of it. And if not, then praying that I could accept it all without more sleepless nights…without more tears falling. Then the sun would rise again and I would regroup. Concealing what I had been through during the dark hours. Is it okay for me to share some of that darkness with you now? Please don’t judge me…but I don’t think I am strong enough to go through all of this by myself. Without someone to lean on. I’ve called on Phoenix. Not because I think it’s right…not because I want him…not because I want to destroy his family…but simply because he’s gone through this with me since 2004…especially from 2010 and on. Phoenix already knows what is required. I don’t need to describe the level of hurt and confusion I’m in. He will just know. He will just understand…and I do believe he will come to me with no questions asked. I know you have probably had it with me. But please…don’t give up on me. I’m strong enough to bare anything but heartbreak. Some people can live out that heartbreak and face every level of it…head on. I…wasn’t…built like that. Ask me to be strong in any other area of life but this. Soon night will turn into day and I may not be able to regroup. Please don’t stare at me like that. Please don’t think of me as weak. It’s the brokenness that has taken over like a disease. And please do not ask me if I will lay with her man. I don’t think so because the last thing I want to be is sexualized…I have enough of that in my day to day. Maybe I’m headed straight to hell but I didn’t get there by easily choosing that path. I’ve been fighting the demons for so long…disrespect, abandonment, sadness, etc. And now I’m just exhausted. I’m tired and I just want to rest…even if it’s in the arms of he that I’ve always sinned with. Stay tuned for the sun is coming up and I have no clue if this is the day I fully break or the day I find solace in leaving all this mess by the wayside…~KJM is so confused and hurt on Flashback Friday…
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