I Know A Dude Named Jimmy (Lil Kim’s Not Tonight Edition)

“I know a dude named Jimmy”….we met while I was in graduate school. Prior to meeting Jimmy, I spent 2 years being celibate (unless you count the endless amount of time I spent pleasuring myself?). Jimmy was cute and sweet but since I had sworn off men for the last two years…I wasn’t trying to get into a serious relationship. He tried to date me but I insisted he just fuck me. Jimmy cooked for me and sexed me whenever I wanted. Did I mention how fine he was?! He had a built body tattooed out. I didn’t even know what part of his body to start at when fucking him. I could look at him all day and while he was not a school person, Jimmy had a trade and ambition to go with it. All in all Jimmy was a nice get my feet wet and get back in the game gift. He had one flaw though. Jimmy had a crazy ex girlfriend who just couldn’t let go. He rarely spoke of her but said they were still friends. She also let her social network presence be known all over his page. Still I stayed cool because I’m just fucking him right? One weekend I went away to attend a friend’s wedding. I text Jimmy while I was there but he seemed very distant…even downright distracted…which was very unlike him. When I got back in town, Jimmy wasn’t replying to my texts so I decided to catch the movie “The Family That Preys” at a theater near Jimmy’s apartment. Now I know what you are thinking…no I was not stalking Jimmy! The movie had been out for a long time and as luck would have it…the only theater still showing it was a small one near Jimmy’s place. As I was making the 30 minute drive, I even joked about running into him but never in my mind did I really think I would spot Jimmy there! After the movie let out, my two friends and I stood in front of the theater…just in time to see Jimmy and his ex girlfriend pull up to look closely at the movie times. Wtf?! One of my homegirls walked up to the car and started pointing and yelling. All I could do was stand there laughing. I mean he wasn’t my man but we did say we were only sleeping with each other. So I stared them down laughing. Jimmy got scared and sped off. I highly doubt that they went back to see any movie. When I got to my friend’s apartment, Jimmy sent me a string of texts explaining that he was just hanging out with his ex girlfriend as a friend. It took me 3 weeks to reply. Yea I played it cool and I let him stew in his juices. If you gonna do dirt…do it right. Silly rabbit! When I finally replied to him, I never asked about the situation…that was a much needed in person conversation. Instead, I asked him to escort me somewhere. Unfortunately, he was out of town. From that point, he started blowing me up and asking to see me. I finally agreed that he could come over one Sunday evening to talk. As Lady Luck would have it, he arrived at my place after having dinner with his sister and best friend at an Ale House. Jimmy came in and I proceeded to sit on his lap. That’s when I told him to tighten up his game and do better! I’m not going to be out in these streets looking crazy! After all…I’m Kingston Jael! Don’t get your dick cut off! Sort of kidding here. Lol. The old me didn’t play. Jimmy swore he wasn’t back with his ex girlfriend and wanted to work things out. I took his word for it because I knew I could replace him easily if his facts didn’t check out over time. He hug me and then got up to leave. Oh no Jimmy! You not wasting my evening with just talk! Fuck me now! So I took him to my bedroom to seduce him….only…his dick couldn’t get up. This had never happened before. I was puzzled! I know this dude didn’t fuck someone else before he came to my apartment?! Thinking of reaching for a pair of scissors…I started to hear Jimmy’s belly rumbling. Not the kind of rumble from hunger…more light bubbling. Then beads of sweat started to collect on Jimmy’s forehead and roll down his face! I asked him if he was feeling okay and he said no and thought he should go home. I was down with him leaving because I don’t take care of men! If he can’t fuck me then he can’t lay in my queen size bed! I’d rather lay alone! So Jimmy left and….I of course did what every woman would do in that situation…started texting my girlfriends about my evening. Before I could send the first text, however, Jimmy called me. His voice was low…almost in a whisper! And then…he said he had made it to the exit of my complex but knew there was no way he was going to be able to do the 30 minute drive home without shitting on himself! I swear…I can’t make this shit up! So Jimmy came back to my place and used my bathroom! He was in there for over an hour…at one point I even heard him in my toilet tank! What the fuck? Did this Motherfucker really break my toilet?! I laid on my bed…texting my girlfriends play by play or more like shit by shit! I wanted to punish Jimmy for trying to play me but KARMA had an even better idea! Shits of indiscretions! That’s what this blog should have been called! When Jimmy finally exited my bathroom, he quickly left. I’m glad he knew he couldn’t lay his shitty ass in my bed! But Jimmy did leave something behind…my fucking bath towel was soaking wet! To this day, I’m not sure how it got wet! From afar, it didn’t smell like shit but he was in my toilet tank! Was there an over flow?! My floors weren’t wet. Did he wash up? I sure hope so not just because that’s the best plausible scenario but also because it sounded like shit was flying left and right in my bathroom! Fml! ~KJM on Flashback Friday saying thank goodness Karma is a bitch! She got Jimmy well! Shout out to Lil Kim for first introducing us to her Jimmy in the 90s: “I know a dude named Jimmy used to run up in me Night time pissy drunk off the henny remy I didn’t mind it, when he fucked me from behind It felt fine, especially when he used to grind it”~ Lil Kim’s “Not Tonight.”