Let me start off by saying that I’m definitely not into “slut shaming.” I believe a woman should own her sexuality and decide who, what, where, and why. This blog is directed to those undercover hoes who slut shame other women by pretending they are Jesus’ cousin knowing damn well…they use to drop it like it’s hot all around town! This is more of a…I knew you when you were a hoe…and don’t you forget it edition. Every woman has a bad girl inside of her. Even if you no longer tap into that bad girl…no need to turn your nose up like you never use to be her. 15 ways to spot an undercover hoe (yea I’m calling y’all out):
15. THE SAVED YET HIGHLY JUDGMENTAL ONE! Now before y’all throw your bibles at me…hear me out! There is nothing wrong with claiming Christ as your savior but there is something wrong with pretending that you were never a sinner! You ever heard that the same pimps and hoes from Saturday night at the club be at church in time for Sunday morning service?! Everyone has a past…and while it should not define you…a person pretending they have never sinned to me triggers a possible undercover hoe. You can run but you can’t hide! Chances are Jesus ain’t the only one that knows your sins! Girl pick your face up off the floor! You still got time to repent!
14. SHE ALWAYS HAS A BOYFRIEND! Now I know that some people need and want love to be in their lives 24/7 but let’s be honest here…if you meet a woman who can’t be without being in a relationship…it’s a sign that she may not care who she is in a relationship with. Any Tom, Dick, and Harry will do! And let the record show that while I’m not sure about Tom…I’m positive Dick and Harry won’t stay around just to be in a platonic/no sex having relationship!
13. SHE HAS WAY TOO MANY BABY DADDIES! I’m trying so hard not to judge here but one of the signs of an undercover hoe is none of her children have the same father. I’ve said this before but this is definitely worth repeating…some women still believe a baby is the best way to trap…I mean keep a man! An undercover hoe will just keep getting pregnant by whomever until she finds that one man that will stay! I don’t care if you met her at church…if she got 5 kids with 5 different baby daddies…you already know what her previous life may have been like. Saving herself for Jesus she was not!
12. SHE DOESN’T CONSIDER ANAL SEX AND/OR SUCKING DICK AS SEX! This one always puzzles me! Either someone failed biology class or they are just plum dumb but both acts are a form of intercourse. I knew women who only had two vaginal sex partners but sucked like 200 random dicks! What the fuck?! Where do they do that at?! To each it’s own but I suggest this type of undercover hoe take a remedial biology class! A mind is really a terrible thing to waste…and so is a body!
11. SHE USES ABORTIONS AS A FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL! Ugh this one really upsets me. While I’m pro choice, I cringe to think of a woman using abortions as birth control. Growing up, I knew at least three women that if you put all their abortions together it would be some insane number that would make us all want to throw up…with most of the abortions taking place before they were 21! Be a smart hoe and pop your pills! I just can’t with this type of undercover hoe✌?
10. SHE JUDGES YOU FOR HOW YOU DRESS! Undercover hoes generally shy away from any discussion of sexuality. This is because they don’t want you to know the true them. So everything makes them blush and uncomfortable. While she’s making comments about how short your black dress is for the club, she’s forgotten that last week, after bible study, she sucked the pastor’s dick! ?
9. SHE CLAIMS SHE DOESN’T GO OUT TO CLUBS/EVENTS ANYMORE! Usually an undercover hoe will frown upon you heading out for a night of fun. What you need to understand is that an undercover hoe is really a tired retired hoe. Pussy has so much mileage on it that it would hurt to go back stage of a concert one more time in hopes of sucking every penis in the band…including the band manager. She’s just exhausted and as part of her 401k, she has to refrain from attending such events again for fear of going back to her old ways! ?? This bitch needs to rest her ashy ankles and just have a seat!
8. SHE ALWAYS HAS SOME SORT OF MYSTERIOUS STD! Undercover hoes pretend that sex is not a possibility. Because of this misconception, she leaves her house without condoms and birth control pills. Penis has just fell out the sky and she’s…of course…unprepared! Having sex raw for years may lead to many sexually transmitted diseases! There’s a reason why they call it “raw dog.” Do it raw and the dog will bite you! If this woman would just be honest with herself and her sexuality, she would be in a position to practice safer sex!
7. SHE HAS SMASHED ALL THE HOMIES! Growing up you may have known her as a tomboy. She never wore short shorts a day in her life yet she’s done every boy (and possibly girl) in your neighborhood! Clothes does not make nor define this hoe. She gets around no matter what she wears. There isn’t a group of male friends who don’t know her intimately. When this undercover hoe grows up, she may have to move and maybe even change her entire name to get away from her past!
6. SHE’S ALWAYS THE MISTRESS OF A MARRIED MAN! Now I know we all make mistakes….to the point where some of us may find ourselves accidentally having an affair with a married man! I pray NOT to ever be in such a situation. This undercover hoe, however, never has a man of her own and shys away from dating…all while being “mentored” by married men! This scenario tends to happen within church and educational settings. Somehow this woman is always linked to a married man. To everyone’s face, she will never own up to it. However, we all know that after she’s had two children with no known father for them…something is up. This isn’t the type of mentorship program we want others to join!
5. SHE JOINS A CHURCH WITH ONLY MARRIED MEN, SHORTLY AFTER ONE MAN GETS DIVORCED, AND THEN SHE MARRIES HIM! Now I know what you are thinking…how is number 5 different from number 6? Simple, in number 6 the mistress will never willingly claim her married man. But number 5 is a special kind of undercover hoe! She has strategically planned out how she can legitimize her status from mistress to wife! She just may go from being part of the congregation to being the First Lady of the church in just one year! Once she is First Lady, everyone will have to bite their tongue on how she got there…at least to her face!
4. THEY CLAIM TO BE CELIBATE! In the 10 years you have known her, she claims to be waiting for marriage. Yet she now has a 7 year old son….mysteriously! I’ve heard of immaculate conception but to my knowledge that’s a one time deal! We all know someone who we have no clue who their child’s father is and are not quite sure when his dick fell out the sky! Are we doing the secret baby daddy thing now?! It occurs to me as I’m writing this that some women may not know the true definition of celibacy! It’s a great time to google and learn!
3. THEY LOVE TO GOSSIP BUT MUM IS THE WORD ON THEIR PERSONAL LIFE! An undercover hoe will have her ears pressed up to the wall to catch any kind of gossip. She will spread other people’s business like fire but when someone asks her about where she was last night….silence! It’s so much easier for her to throw stones at another woman than lay in her own nasty cum juice!
2. SHE ALWAYS THINKS SHE IS BETTER THAN EVERYONE! There’s nothing really humble about an undercover hoe. Think about it…not many people may know about her past and/or current life. So with no record of her history….she preaches from the pulpit like she never had a day when temptation took over her body! Instead of relating to the younger generation and trying to guide them with her wisdom, she classifies them as modern day harlots that can’t be reformed! How soon she forgot…her past!
1. YOU MAY CALL HER MOMMY! Think back when you were a teenager. How did your mama always know what you were going to do before you did it?! That’s right boo…you were dealing with an OGH (Original Gangsta Hoe). You ain’t never going to be able to get anything past her because she’s been there and done that! And if you are 25 years old and still don’t know who your daddy is or have heard rumors that the man you call daddy…well ain’t your daddy….your mama may be an undercover hoe! Lawd a mercy… ~KJM on Charm School Monday saying I’ve no problem with a woman exercising her right to sleep with whomever she wants. However, here in my Charm School it’s important to recognize these types of women. They stunt the growth of female empowerment?? So yes…we will call you out!
Ho’s are everywhere nowadays. Most women in the past were certainly Real Ladies and the very complete opposite of today altogether.