And I asked him to see me…like really see me. But was I showing him the real me? How could I expect him to see me if I had not revealed my most vulnerable thoughts….the things that haunted me when we had any kind of tension. The things I feared that caused me to sometimes create issues between us. The things that made me run from him instead of sticking it out during our rough times. The things that angered me to the point where I never wanted to forgive him for hurting me…nor myself for always wanting him…even in the midst of a sometimes self destructive mind set. The things that made me ashamed…so ashamed that I’m even afraid to reveal myself to you…my intimate audience! Things that brought my spirit down and made me cry. How could he really see me if I was always hiding myself? I hide because I want to seem perfect and unbothered even though I’m deeply imperfectly bothered by what he says and does…even the things he does not say and does not do. I hide because I want to appear strong…and all put together while I’m falling apart everyday. I asked him to see me…like really see me. And now that I’ve let go of the bed board…for I could no longer grip the bars…when my mind, body, and spirit calls me to grip him. To open up to him. To step out on faith and trust him. And trust that if I reveal who I truly am he will not forsake me. He will not leave me standing in this moment alone. He will not abandon me. I had never done this before…be completely transparent and vulnerable. I had never dared to. But I was always strong enough to bare myself because I’ve always accepted myself…as myself. When I wake up…I am always me! I even fall asleep at night…holding myself…my true self. And so I asked him to see me…like really see me…as I’ve always seen myself. I held onto him and I buried my head in his shoulder and I whispered the one thing I wish I had been wise enough to say 6 years ago…I whispered….“I am afraid of losing you.” And in that moment it felt like my body, my heart, and my spirit had finally joined each other..tired from fighting each other…exhausted from disagreeing about the way I should love him. And so we rested there in his firm arms. We RESTED!?? I no longer felt ashamed…I actually felt relieved because you see no matter how much I love to hate him…the Ex Factor is the greatest love I’ve had thus far and no matter the outcome…that kind of love was worth the risk of revealing my true self…my true insecurities…my true vulnerabilities. That kind of love was worth baring my soul. He whispered back “I’ve told you that I’m here for you.” And we RESTED as I gripped…him…I held onto him… He is now all the way in and what he does with this revelation is on him. I could no longer pretend that I’m perfectly unbothered…knowing I am imperfectly bothered by…my hidden feelings and my inability to control those feelings. Six years I held on to this. Six years I kept it in…thinking if I never said it out loud…then it wasn’t true. But it was after the grip of the bed that I found peace. The peace to demand that I been seen. That he see me as a complex, imperfect yet loving woman. And I do so love him…even on the days I vowed to hate him. You see the thing about really loving someone is…even when you don’t particularly like them…you love them. ?? And it’s in those moments of imperfection and chaos that your love may grow deeper. Deep enough to grip the bed and then let go and take hold of your true love and let him know…you see him and that you are strong enough to let him see you…~KJM on Hump Day saying…my love grows beyond the kind of existence I thought it ever could. And with a strength I never imagined. I believe it can grow in a barren field and still one day…during the darkness of night…bare fruit that brings us into the light. That is the power that has always been within me.?
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