I am so sorry that it’s been a while since I wrote to you! After Black History Month ended, I needed a tiny break to catch my breath. My work schedule is still very hectic and long…yet I am focusing on the blessing and not the lack of sleep! ?? We are now in my favorite season on the Christian calendar…LENT! During these 40 days and 40 nights…I will do my best to share some of the thoughts I am meditating on. The goal is to leave this season stronger in FAITH…even when it is not easy to do so! ?? My personal life has been my biggest meditation so far. It’s the only area I doubt God in…?Yesterday..it dawned on me that next month…April 11…to be exact…marks 20 years that I have known my first love…Julio. 18 of those 20 years…I felt like Julio was a stranger to me. He changed his outlook on love and just never returned to being the boy I fell in love with. I waited for him to shed his cold exterior and to return to the kind loving boy who stole my heart for the very first time. Well…it never happened and one day…I unexpectedly fell out of love with him. My love never returned… They say history has a funny way of repeating itself when we do not learn from our past mistakes and work hard to correct them. I truly believe I am currently in the falling out of love phase with the Ex Factor. Because of my work schedule and his lack of making me a priority…we have hardly seen each other this year and…I FEEL RELIEVED! ? I hate that I feel this way but I cannot help my feelings. Some days I could cut my work day short…even by an hour…and make time for him…but I choose not to. I have been an option to him and never a priority for the last 6.5 years and I think it’s kind of funny that that’s what he has become to me in the last two years…an OPTION! ?? And frankly, I would rather deal with work stress than our weird situation. I know we need to sit down and talk…if for no other reason but the sake of our friendship. It’s no longer a situationship to me…because I’m not even entertaining it. Mentally and physically…I have left that situation but I hesitate to say anything because I know I am beyond exhausted. My thoughts are having thoughts…and even I know how dangerous that is. Besides being super exhausted, I pause before saying what I have been thinking…since 2015…because I do not want to hurt his feelings. One thing I have learned through my battles with love…is if you hurt the person you truly love…it will come back to you…sometimes…tenfolds! ? So I wait…fully aware that everyone (including the Ex Factor) thinks I’m waiting for him to change. So I wait…knowing that I am actually waiting on me to change. You cannot change a man and frankly even if he did make a huge change now…I do not think he would have the ability to make me fall in love with him again. ? I am just so far gone. Checked out. Aware that I have checked out. Gave up on communicating…I really tried but he does not LISTEN. He hears me…but to him I’m just complaining. So I just stopped trying to reach him. When I reached this phase with Julio (January 2010)…I really thought we would overcome it…but by June 2010 I had fallen for the Ex Factor. If history is repeating itself…BOAZ could just be a couple of months away! ?? That is the upside….that new love could be on its way. ? The downside is…even though I prayed for this…I am not enjoying this phase of falling out of love with the Ex Factor. Because I have been here before…I know that there is a great chance we won’t recover from it. And as strong as I am…I don’t want to face it. Part of me is hoping he will read this blog and finally hear me. Because like how do I say…I would rather do anything else than spend time with you, I barely miss you, if we don’t speak for a while I am happier, and our sex life is in the dumps (in my opinion) because I dread your touch?!! ?Oouch! I am really hoping we just continue to slowly out grow each other…where no one has to point out the obvious…where no one has to hurt each other. That’s really what I want. To not have to say these things. I still do not think he will get it but I will always remember saying it…and that will be hard for me to live with. God is clearly not done with us yet…because this chapter of my life (which was just suppose to last for a summer)…has lasted so long. And so I wait…wait for the signal that it’s okay to change, it’s okay to anticipate BOAZ…it’s okay for me to save my smiles for the man that has been praying for me. I love the Ex Factor…part of me always will…but the love I will have for BOAZ will be the type of love that if we ever hit such a phase…we will both fight to make each other fall in love…more deeply…each phase of our love journey to eternity. ~KJM on Charm School Monday! ? Hope this blog was worth the wait!?
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