Pen and pad. Pen and Pad. If I put the pen to the pad and keep record of this…it could haunt me forever. What to do? What to do? Take pen to pad and let my story unfold. There’s still this fire burning within me. It’s not filled with love nor true emotions. LUST is what I feel. Ever since Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr lit my screen up with “An Affair To Remember”…I’m yearning for him. Phoenix that is! I cannot believe he was just 25 minutes away from me and I did not go to him. I’m ashamed to say…I wanted to go. There was a part of me that needed to go. I’ve heard people say that when you meet the right one…it’s easy. The relationship is easy. I kind of laugh at that because Phoenix is easy. Neither one of us cares who the other goes home to at night. We…easily lay together…in lust. That’s it…lust is easy! So easy to open up my legs to a man I just crave but don’t want. King of reminds me of eating a fifth piece of fried chicken…knowing damn well you are full…but craving that buttery grease that tastes like a piece of heaven when it hits your lips…once again knowing damn well you are full. Why reach for that extra piece? Because we fucking can and because it’s so fucking good. That’s me and Phoenix! In my mind I’m rolling butt naked in that fried buttery grease as he licks every bit of it up…off my body. Thou shall not lead me into temptation is what I keep repeating…as I crave just the thought of him. Does Phoenix lay the pipe well? Of…fucking…course! He’s been my doctor of healing since 2004…January 2004! It’s 2016 and just the thought of him turns me on. Not because I love him. Not even because I want him. Simply because I know I can have him. His door is still open to me. And it’s been two years since I’ve seen him…so we are right on schedule! I have no clue why it’s hard to be done with Phoenix. He has a baby mama waiting at home for him! It wasn’t always that way but it is that way now and I’m aware of it. I can’t pretend “Dear Girlfriend” and “The Aftermath of Dear Girlfriend” did not happen. Our situation is now crystal clear. Thou shall not lead me into temptation I keep repeating! But what if I confess that I’m wet now just thinking about what could have happened if I had met him at his hotel. I would be greeted with kisses all over my body and a hunger burning for me that I had not felt in any other man’s arms. You see…even when broken…Phoenix desires me. And I seduce him because I’m okay with him viewing my broken naked pieces. I’m okay with him hearing me cry in the bathroom after sex…knowing that I was crying because the Ex Factor had broken my heart once again. I’m okay driving from whatever state I lived in to see him. I traveled for him because he’s just that fucking good! Phoenix turned me out in 2004! One day I was craving pancake syrup AND him. Text him my fantasy and he came right over….syrup dripping. Stickiness of our bodies. He’s tasting me and teaching me how to taste him. I’m digging my nails in his back as he is going deeper and deeper inside of me! We stick together. No! We are fucking stuck together! Syrup dripping! Syrup dripping….down my neck! He…is sucking it up…and I could not be any more turned on. Yasss! He got that! He got…EVERY DROP?? And the price I had to pay, at that time, was not being able to even look at an IHOP nor have syrup with my pancakes for 6 months! My entire bedroom was filled with the sweet smell of syrup and sex! ?That’s how he became my doctor of healing. That’s why he’s always Phoenix rising. I’m so ashamed to admit these things…yet I’m close to climaxing just writing this. I…don’t know what’s going on with me! For those of you yelling KARMA…save your fucking breath. You think the Ex Factor isn’t sitting at some bar having these same thoughts. I’m sure he has a female version of Phoenix…shit I just may be her!?This is all so fucked up. But I’m confessing my desires to you. I have yet to act on them. But I want to! I want to let Phoenix in for just one more explosive night! Why one night?! Because it’s just that fucking intense that that shit lasts me for TWO FUCKING YEARS! ?? Yes….Phoenix is so easy. I can be dirty, nasty, sticky, and moist with him without either of us worrying about whom belongs to whom! I just want him for that night! And I believe that’s all he ever wanted from me. I know this is so hard to understand because…I do love the Ex Factor! I know you feel it in my blogs! But he’s continued to leave me naked and uncovered! He’s continued to leave me exposed. The things I say or things I’ve done in the past still aren’t right. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Yet I’m so grateful Phoenix was there every time I got hurt. Even way before heartbreak with the Ex Factor ever occurred…Phoenix was there! I know this is an unhealthy attraction but it’s so hard to stop myself from fantasizing about my past sexual indiscretions with Phoenix. I’m most ashamed of my current fantasies. How could he so easily invade my mind? Yes Phoenix can lay the pipe but so can the Ex Factor! Yet I see something in his eyes that I have rarely ever seen! The hunger Phoenix has kept in his eyes for me since 2004…well I haven’t seen that kind of hunger in the Ex Factor’s eyes since 2010! ? And yet I love him still. Yes…I…still…love the Ex Factor. There’s no place like laying in the Nook with him!? But I must confess that Phoenix is a continuous infatuation! He sees me! I don’t have to ask him to see me! And he has always been my partner in crime! You see Phoenix taught me how to FUCK without feelings. My doctor of healing introduced me to ecstasy with no feeling but pleasure. He’s the reason I know lust from love and I cannot fall in love through sex. So for those of you thinking I want Phoenix…just stop! Some women are just built differently from others. In the land of Phoenix, legs are wide open, heart is numb, and only an explosion of pleasure is welcomed. And this is my confession to you…~KJM starting the week off with straight foolishness on Charm School Monday?
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