It’s been almost a year since I’ve been writing to you, my love, and I have something to tell you. I have betrayed you. Yes you. You that I have not met yet. You that I have yearned for. I have betrayed you my love and I pray you will forgive me. When I started this journey in September 2016, I knew that I was beginning a metamorphosis. Emerging…would be sides of myself that I never knew existed…the good, the bad, and the ugly. I would also learn to fall in love with pieces of myself that I’ve kept hidden. In this journey, I hoped that it would not take more than a year to feel your presence but a las…it’s almost a year.And what I’ve found is that I’ve sabotaged myself every step of the way by laying with a man that disrespects the core of who I am. He has been receiving your treasures…my love, my body, and even my deepest thoughts. That’s where he has laid…in your bed…in our bed. He dwelled there my love. I don’t know why I allowed this cave dweller to take hostage of your jewels…for I received no pleasure from it. His touch is so foreign that I literally feel sick the next day at the thought of him touching me again. Maybe it’s because in knowing I’ve betrayed you…means that I have betrayed myself too. It was too hard to face my betrayal and was easier to fall deeper into it. Sold myself to the devil for less than a penny! You heard that my love? Less than a penny. I did not do it out of loneliness….for the deepest loneliness I’ve ever known is when the Ex Factor is near me. Happy days are when he’s not around. I’m smiling. I’m living. I’m thanking the Good Lord for my blessings. So why betray you? It’s simply out of habit…for I’ve been betraying myself for seven years now. It just comes so naturally, my love. I feel trapped in a cycle of despair. Such a strong and beautiful woman like myself feels helpless. I made some wrong turns but it was done under the misconception of love. Seven years ago, I fell in love with a wolf in sheep’s clothing and I did not even know it. By the time I realized it, I was in too deep. Too hurt. Too confused. And he holds on so tight even after I beg him (almost daily) to let me go. The wolf is patient. I have told him of your existence and the letters I write you. He does not believe in you. So he will wait…wait to prove that you are never showing up. My prayer for you, my love, is that you will be more patient than the wolf and give me time to continue to work on myself. May you be strong enough to hold me through trials and tribulations. May your love feel so secure that there isn’t a day I doubt you. May you not judge me for my weaknesses. May you love me for my strengths. May you be greater than the sweetest dream. Before I close this letter, my love, I need you to do me one favor. I’ve locked most of my jewels away from the wolf…for my spirit could no longer take laying with weapons of mass destruction. But if you ever see me dining with the wolf, do not hesitate to approach us. No words need to be spoken. I will come with you because you are God’s promise to me. May you never doubt that I am yours…from first sight. And may we slowly walk into the life of eternal happiness that God has bestowed upon us. I am yours, my love, broken, bruised, and hurt but still yours. Do not waiver nor tally in your journey to get to me. May you be able to rebuke all the she-wolves you come across on your journey. Whether you are BOAZ, Moses, Elijah, Jonah, or David, I want to reconfirm my love for you. I am imperfectly awaiting you. Trust in that. No imitation will do. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! Thank you to all that have been following my “Awaiting Boaz” journey. We are just about one year in! Whether you are waiting with me or you are currently with your Boaz, I thank you for your support. I will fall for I am human but I will always get up…because my faith tells me so. ??
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