AFFECTION…I uttered the word AFFECTION and it was then that I knew. Things had changed. I was no longer THAT woman…though I desperately wanted him to teach me how to be numb once again. I was bold enough to say that word to Phoenix. I was bold enough to say what I needed right now. And we both knew he could not give such a thing. We also both knew that even if he could…I would not accept it from him now. I have been in a state of consciousness for the last two years. I clung on to love and tried to dodge pain but a las…it all caught up to me. I could no longer lead destruction to my front door without acknowledging how we arrived there. I could no longer pretend to not understand the situation. The madness and insanity that filled my mind and heart…that’s what made me reconnect with Phoenix. And he…like always…was there…arms wide open…as long as my…legs…were…also…wide…open. Insanity put to the side and eyes wide open…I could no longer be THAT woman. Trust that this wasn’t an act of morality. You know marriage is the only relationship institution I respect. No…this was not morality…this was self preservation. It never occurred to me before…but now conscious…it flooded my mind. If I keep tapping into the darkness in my mind and heart…there may be a time that I…KINGSTON JAEL MICHAELS…may not ever return to my true form. And I know that I am not meant for this life. There is a thin line between being eccentric and down right insane! Heartbreak knows where this line exists. But…I cannot be certain. Certain that if I laid there with Phoenix in his…let’s be honest here…FILTH…this time…I’m not just laying with dogs…I’m now building AND destroying my foundation when agreeing to be part of the pack. I am no dog. I am no sheep. I do not easily follow. Yes I’m broken and yes the temptation of him will always be there but I’m no longer THAT woman. Let me be clear…I’m not ashamed of that woman. That was my truth then. I won’t run from my past and hide as if it all never happened. Where is the lesson in that?! Plus all those ugly mistakes got me to where I am today. To not easily be taken because I’m hurting. To be able to dry my tears…myself…and take a deep breath. Whatever I’m missing with the Ex Factor, I must provide for myself as I await all my goodness. Phoenix has no answers for me. No more than a drug dealer has for his addicted clients. As poison fill their veins and their minds…a sense of despair washes over them. Their dealer only provides a temporary fix that will eventually leave them in a world of pain and destruction. No…Phoenix does not have any answers for me. And since this affair was always based solely on my needs…I could care less what he wants. AFFECTION…I utter the words again as Phoenix begins to rise in a different direction. I…myself…took a deep breath, put one foot before the other…and when I reached the edge of my insanity…I kept the faith in things that I could not see nor understand. It was in this moment that I knew everything would be alright. And so I took a leap of faith…and started to soar!?? ~KJM on Hump Day?
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