It crept up on me like a bad dream after nights of having glorious dreams. I did everything “right” in my life…yet 9 years ago this feeling began to drown me…and I could not swim. No life vest either. Just drowning in the feeling of not arriving…not living to my life’s full potential. As a result, I hid in the shame of feeling like I’m not where I want to be in life and the realization that I may never get there. I spent my life focused on education and career yet I have a mediocre job (God bless it though). I’m still dealing with the guilt of not wanting to biologically have children. Yes guilt! Society will always find a way to make a woman feel guilty about skipping motherhood. The Ex Factor is my exception. There is no place I would not travel to with him…scared or not…I would take that journey but only if he was ready and willing to do it with me. I know I can raise children (I have already helped my parents do so) and financially I’m okay though I think that no amount of money is enough to raise children. Yet still the guilt of not wanting children just for myself stays with me. I don’t think it is wrong to say that I would only go on that journey with a man I love but society thinks my clock should be ticking no matter what and I should just find any man who will marry me and build my family with him. Yikes! Children need stability and security. None of that can ever be guaranteed because circumstances can change but we should aim for it. A stable and secure marriage/long term relationship is healthy for my children so that’s why there is no family without the Ex Factor. I have never made that choice for anyone so I’m not sure why others want to make that choice for me. “You will have regrets,” they say. I highly doubt that…yet still the guilt haunts me. Never having checked up on my reproductive system, I have not clue what shape it is in. I know so many women struggling to have a baby and I killed my own fertility without trying. That is the guilt I live with but I cannot be out there reproducing because others may not be able to….that’s just fucking silly. And if I change my mind somewhere down the line…that is my choice too! So here I am at 36 years old…”Ms. Did Everything Right”…yet I have not arrived in my career nor my personal life! ??? From the outside, it probably looks like I have more than arrived minus the baby thing. Within me though, I feel like I am not where I should be and I know I am not the only one. My faith tells me that no matter what decisions I make, I will end up exactly where God wanted me to be for IT IS WRITTEN! ?? My heart knows this but my mind plays tricks on me. It is these tricks that I lay with at night…wondering where I made a wrong turn. ?But what if I told you that there is no such thing as a wrong turn? Every hardship and every victory has placed us exactly where we are suppose to be! ?? I know it is hard to accept but who we are and who we are to become are shaped by our trials AND tribulations. There is no victory without failure. There is no wasted time. If you felt you stayed somewhere too long…guess what? You were suppose to. If you look back on the “roads traveled” (paraphrasing Robert Frost here) and thought you chose the wrong path…you did not! You made the choice you were suppose to and there are always consequences to our actions. Bad things do not always happen because we deserve it. They can occur to shape us, break us, and rebuild us! What if I told you that you have arrived and your journey is not over as long as you are still breathing?! That is right. YOU, MY DEAR, HAVE ARRIVED! ?? Revel in your arrival and never question it. Miles to go before we can sleep and that is just the way our Higher Power designed it to be. Be content in who you are and stay confident that you will be who you are destined to be. For IT IS WRITTEN! ?? Sleep well knowing that. It is already written and you have already arrived! Cherish that blessing and go forth positively everyday! ?? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! I hope this helps someone out there. Wehave arrived. ?
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