The sounds of waiting. The silence. The hurt of feeling that you are in this life…alone. The sound of trying not to give up on your own personal journey. I have heard time and time again that “Patience is a virtue!” “She is not the ability to wait but our attitude as we wait.” I’m not even sure what any of that means! But my attitude stinks when I’m forced to wait! I’m just keeping it real. I hate to wait but sometimes we have no choice in the matter. All I know is in every area of my life for the last 7 years, I’m constantly being told to be patient! Your time will come…they say. And still I wait and I wait….hoping that today will be the day…the day I feel fulfilled in every part of my life. It’s exhausting to keep thinking TODAY IS THAT DAY…only to find out…it isn’t! But somehow I find a way to hold on even if it’s by a shred of hope. There are times when my pillowcases are soaked with tears and I lift my head and ask GOD if I had forsaken HIM in some sort of way for HIM to have forgotten me or put me on a waiting list for EVERYTHING! Like what did I do to have my life move so slowly?! I’m hardworking and dedicated. HE gave me a vision and every day when I blog (believe it or not) I feel like I’m one step closer to that vision. It doesn’t matter what I’m blogging about. The GOOD LORD knew I was imperfect when HE created me. ?? I don’t have to hide my scars from HIM…HE was there when I was getting burned and hurt. That is what’s keeping me going. Not Hope. Certainly NOT Patience. My FAITH. That’s all I have. My prayer is HE wouldn’t have brought me through my version of the depths of hell to watch me suffer.?? Still I wonder about this Patience? How does she dress? What does she look like? Will she ever visit me? Will she forgive me for the times I grew tired and decided to bypass GOD’s forever plan for my current plan? And so I wait. Like I’m on the longest waiting list ever. I feel forgotten at times. Left behind. The last to graduate from the class. And the more I’m told to have Patience is the more I lose it! I’ve never wanted anyone else’s life. Never looked over and said that should have been me. All I’ve asked is that he (the Ex Factor) acknowledges I’m here and I’m trying. That he knows my love is imperfect and impatient but still I’m choosing to WAIT WITH HIM. And for him to respect that and honor it. That he doesn’t force me to walk away from something that I know is real and great. And so I wait. All I ask is that BOTH of my careers take off while my parents are here on this earth so that they never want for anything. And so I wait. All I ask is that HE (GOD) protects the family I may have in the future…even if I can’t quite see the vision on them yet. And so I wait. All I ask is that HE allows me to inspire millions! I think I can do it. And so I wait and I wait! All I ask is that HE keeps me and my loved ones in good health so that we can walk into our purpose everyday. And so I wait and I wait and I wait. I am so exhausted from waiting. Who is this Patience and why has she forsakened me? Abandoned me in my loneliest hours. Created a kind of isolation where I feel like I am the last to be blessed with anything fruitful….~KJM on Temptation Tuesday asking have you ever felt this way…if so…we shall wait together…in prayer ??
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