I generally do not get IG-NANT (yes I meant to say ignorant just that way) on Flashback Friday but there’s no time like the present to tackle this foolishness! Today I share my views of Mary J. Blige’s soon to be ex husband’s (Kendu) itemized spousal support request. Now I’m going to leave the legal analysis of each amount to both their legal teams. My only goal today is to rip in his ass the new asshole I hope Mary’s legal team leaves him with! I know the men reading this are going to side eye me for this blog but let me be clear…even when wives are requesting outlandish things during their divorce…I have something to say! So miss me with the if the shoe was on the other foot shit!✌?️I believe spousal support should just be for the needed things…like taking care of children (the payers children) but we will get back to that soon! I do not support a woman asking for money for expensive outfits and big houses (unless they got lots of children) during a divorce. And typically the wife in the situation is a stay at home mom who possibly gave up a career to be there for her husband and her children! But before I even get carried away with this fuckery…let’s attack this list from Mary’s eyes! Here is the break down of the almost 130,000 a month Kendu is requesting: 8. 8,000 FOR A PRIVATE CHEF (The Not Gonna Cry Editon)! Now Mary why you allow his ass to eat well during your 12 years of marriage?! You (the bread winner) should have had his ass consistently eating the tuna in a can…you met him eating! Private Chef my ass! MFer better learn how to heat up some Oodles Of Noodles and downgrade from steak and lobster cause Mary taking that shit with her! And you might as well break out the Boone’s cheap liquor because there will be no more fine dining and expensive wine tastings! Get thee to a well in Maine and fill some jugs up of that free water because I’m not playing with your ass no more!✌?️7. 3,200 PERSONAL TRAINER (The Reminisce Edition)! Um Kendu…remember that two speed bike you use to ride before meeting Mary?! Your ass better start riding it around the block in order to get in shape because Mary taking HER personal trainer…your ass barely used…with her! I know you don’t expect her to pay for you to get in shape for other women?! You done lost your mind! You don’t even got a body like the model Tyson or the singer Tank! Miss me with all of that! Get on that two speed and fucking ride down a hill! Okay…maybe I’m being an asshole here…Mary gonna throw in some training wheels just to show you she is reasonable!✌?️6. 1,000 CLOTHING ALLOWANCE (The Stay Down Edition)! Kendu remember when Mary met you…you use to wear FUBU? Well why the fuck can’t you continue that? The fuck you want custom made expensive shit for? FUBU is very affordable now! Mary still willing to pay for that but if you talking about Tom Ford and shit you gonna be assed out sitting on a corner rocking a Coogi Sweater! And I’m not talking about one of the throwback originals either! ✌?️5. 5,000 TO PAY EACH OF HIS PARENTS (The Family Affair Edition)! Are your folks senile? They bet the fuck be because this is some ridiculousness! Pay them for what?! And they are your fucking parents?! Why the fuck can’t you support them off your salary?! Oh that’s right…you ain’t got no job when Mary fired you as her manager! Well the paper boy told me the local newspaper looking for more paperboys…get on that motherfucking two speed (listed in number 7) and make your fucking self useful! Apply yourself and guess what….get a fucking job! Many wives have to do that after a divorce anyways…so your ass should be no different! ✌?️4. 71,000 For Rental Properties (The What’s the 411/Love No Limit Edition)! Boo, you remember the line of credit we got to buy and rent properties?! Yea…we only got that shit because I’m motherfucking Mary J. Blige! Kendu who? Not even Mary’s boys from her old neighborhood know who you are! When Mary leaves…she’s taking her line of credit with her…so that should ease the 71,000 monthly burden off of you…cause you still don’t got no job! This is a good time to say Rest In Comedic Peace Tommy from the hit show Martin! The “man you ain’t got no job” skit is still applicable in life today!? 3. 5,000 A MONTH TO SUPPORT HIS TWO CHILDREN FROM A PAST RELATIONSHIP (The YOUR Child Edition)! Now Auntie Kingston love the kids but where the fuck is their biological mama and why don’t you hit that bitch up for the 5,000 a month?! You must have just lost your fucking mind Kendu! You on drugs? You must be on that cheap stuff since the breakup happened! Remember what Auntie Whitney said before her passing…“I don’t do crack…crack is cheap!” Kendu heed Auntie Whitney Houston’s advice and get yourself to some sort of rehab (on your own dime of course)!✌?️2. 2,500 FOR AUTO EXPENSES AND TRANSPORTATION (The I’m Goin Down Edition)! Kendu….you ever heard of a BUS PASS? It’s the ultimate transportation throwback! I suggest you utilize the few dollars you have in your bank account (and not the joint one either…Mary froze that one) and invest in a bus pass! Once the two speed needs maintenance (because you rode down a hill one time too many) and you aren’t able to afford it…the bus pass will be helpful! Don’t thank me now…you can thank me later when you riding the bus all through what ever dingy city you can afford to live in…on your nonexistent income that is!✌?️ 1. 5,708 FOR MAINTENANCE AND REPAIR ON HIS PROPERTIES (The No More Drama Edition)! What properties boo? Mary selling them all! And I just told you she’s taking her line of credit with her! Kendu, in the words of the great Lauryn Hill…“it could all be so simple…but you’d rather make it hard…loving you is like a battle…and we both end up with scars.” Now Mary, I’m praying for you during this difficult time! If your lawyers can’t get these expenses down to a reasonable amount…call me! While I’m a Christian and do not believe in Obea (Jamaican version of Voodoo)….if you need me to…I know a man in the mountains of Jamaica…who can create some serious sprinkle dust ???and once he blows it in the air Kendu will feel it all the way in the US! Just kidding ? But rassclot maybe a only dat can shortin dis a list ya? ~KJM being straight IG-NANT on Flashback Friday!? My parents gonna beat the hell out of me when they learn I wrote about an Obea man lol but then again if someone was sticking me for 130,000 a month…the Michaels family may just have to look into it lol????
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