Forgiveness Archives - Page 37 of 40

The Silverspoon Brotha: Being Mary Jane Recap

October 21, 2015 by admin

Last night I was running 30 minutes behind but manage to catch 1.5 hours of the Being Mary Jane premiere. It was BRILLIANT on so many levels! Had me hash tagging #iammaryjane throughout the night!!! The scene that touched me the most, though, was when Mary Jane’s little brother, PJ, explained what a silver spoon brotha was! First, I want to shout out my baby brother, Junior! He has been my PJ and my voice of truth about relationships for years! He has also been my biggest supporter when it comes to my quest for true love. I’m forever blessed and humbled to be your big sister! Now back to PJ! I’m paraphrasing (definitely will go back and rewatch) but according to PJ the “silver spoon brotha” is an educated black man, not in jail, and thinks that every black woman should be lucky to know him. This type of man has had everything handed to him. A silver spoon brotha will never show up for you! “Mary Jane, you fell in love with a busta! A bitch man though I’m not trying to call his mama a bitch. Why do you let him ruin you? Why do black women let silver spoon brothas ruin them? A man has to work for it….earn you. A silver spoon brotha is not trained that way. He is not built to handle difficult black women. Mary Jane, you are difficult!” ~PJ from Being Mary Jane. My mouth fell open when I watched this scene. My most recent ex factor was a “silver spoon brotha.” Let me start off by saying that I was born with a brown spoon in my mouth. By the grace of God my family and I rose out of poverty and hardship. I grew up around severe domestic violence and rape. I’m an immigrant who came to this country documented off of the blood sweat and tears of undocumented immigrants. My life was not set for success. The Michaels family went against all odds and fought for everything we have in this country. This is how my spoon became silver but let’s be clear…I was NOT born that way. My recent ex factor, minus some severe health issues in high school, has always had things handed to him. I doubt he even knows what it’s like to go to bed hungry?! Even with the huge differences, I never judged him for growing up with Santa Claus while Santa never really existed for me. I always knew Santa was my dad. So the thing I learned to believe in as soon as I could talk was GOD. Many times I wanted a serious relationship while my ex factor focused on keeping things light but never letting me go. I always had to leave him. Men like Mary Jane’s David and my ex factor have no clue what real struggle is. It’s no wonder that when things get rough they easily check out and make us….the difficult black women….the soul culprit. PJ’s question still lingered on…why do we black women let these silver spoon black men ruin us instead of praying for a man who can WORK for us? Mary Jane says it’s because it’s too hard to start over! There’s some truth to that. I’ve just started over and it’s been filled with so many challenges. Things my ex factor learned about me over the 5 years and 3 months…the new boo is just starting to learn. Things I didn’t demand in my last situationship, I am demanding now in a no nonsense way. New boo knows struggle as well and is an immigrant like me. He works at least 80 hour weeks at his two jobs, one being his own business, while my ex factor could barely work 40 without complaining. New boo and I have struggle in common and neither of us plan on being broke in this country. He is all about uplifting the West Indian community and I respect that! I never respected the ex factor which means during the time I was with him…..I was not respecting myself! While there’s a 12yr difference between new boo and the ex factor, the two men are vastly different. The brown spoon knows that nothing in this world will come easily while the silver expects everything to sit and wait on him! And when I tell new boo that I will castrate his ass…he’s strong enough to take me seriously. I can’t speak for all black women…just myself. I let the silver spoon black man almost ruin me because I thought he was the only person I could love. I knew I could do better (I had dated better in my past) but the threat of never falling in love again kept me enslaved. I also thought that my struggle and hustle would inspire the silver spoon man to “show up for me.” He never did. I suspect my struggle and hustle left a lot of resentment on his part because the difficult black woman in every sense of the word is extremely stronger than the silver spoon brotha. If only she would stay in prayer and wait on a man strong enough to receive her? Deep… ~KJM on Being Mary Jane

Physical Abuse

October 21, 2015 by admin

I was probably around 8 years old and had ventured out on my Grandmother’s second floor balcony in a house she rented. There I saw her (my uncle’s girlfriend) hanging. He had her in his grip and was choking her until her eyes became bloodshot. I don’t think he noticed me at first. He was too enraged to. I stood there frozen with fear that he would let go and drop her. I don’t remember screaming but somehow my uncle snapped out of his rage to notice I was standing there….witnessing this horror. This memory has haunted me ever since. I don’t think there is a single woman in the generation above me (on both sides of my family) that weren’t a victim of domestic violence and/or sexual assault. Domestic Violence is so personal to me. While I’ve never directly experienced it, I’ve lived it through many of the women in my family. I think it’s part of the reason why I haven’t settled down. Most of the women in my family were the bread winners and still were getting their asses beat daily. Over the years, I’ve had several hard conversations with some of the abusers in my family. Not every abuser is a monster to everyone they come in contact with. Some can be quite loving to their kids while blackening the eyes of their wives. So much more I could say about DV. I’ve a million stories that lie within my heart. Before I go, there are a few things I want to make clear about DV: 1. The battered women’s syndrome is real. It does not discriminate against race, socioeconomic status, age, or even sometimes gender. 2. An abuser tends to be very charismatic person. It’s usually someone you would never suspect. Hence why they get away with it for so long. And 3. Not all abusers are the same. They have all different kinds of traits yet have some dangerous traits in common. I knew some quick to anger and others who were silent attackers…

KJM reliving my childhood years with Domestic Violence

New Boo On My Nerves

October 20, 2015 by admin

New boo has been getting on my nerves lately! Must remember to sit on his face at another date and time.

KJM punishing on Temptation Tuesday’s

Loss of a Loved One…Still Alive

October 19, 2015 by admin

This weekend it got so cold that I had to pull out our candles to warm my room up. It wasn’t until yesterday though that I smelt you. First, it was outside of Red Lobster. We love that place! Then last night I lit another set of our candles, laid down, closed my eyes, and suddenly I could smell you…feel you. It’s been almost a month since we last spoke. And let me just say I know I made the right decision for us both. We just could not go on how we had been. I was drowning. But I don’t think I ever let myself truly mourn you. The candles intensified that mourning. I closed my eyes and reminisced about the many cold nights over the last 5 years and three months that our candles kept us warm. Snuggled together and laughing so hard at how freezing the rooms were but how happy we were together. I missed those times more than you will ever know. But I will take them with me and I hope you will do the same! Often times we focus on the kind of loss (death) that is forever and permanent. In our last conversation, however, I felt that this was truly the end of the road for us. The days I hated you over the years still kept us connected. But when I started to resent you and get repulsed by you…well I don’t think there’s ever any coming back from that. One of the hardest kind of loss is when a loved one is alive but no words nor portions of your heart can reach them. It’s filled with loneliness even though they may be laying next to you. In 2015, I prayed this feeling would go away. Every morning I prayed 1 Corinthians 13 for you and I. I wanted us to make it but it was never meant to be. I’m going to skip going down the ugly memory lane because you were there too so you know exactly how we got here. One thing I do want to clear up is that in our last conversation I listed a bunch of things I wanted an apology for. Your last words to me was “I’ve apologized many times for those things….sometimes in person.” The question running through my mind that I held back from asking was “then why would you continue to do the same things over and over even after apologizing?” The question I ask myself is why would I continuously allow you to break my heart over and over? I gave you the last word because I wanted your statement to linger on and hope one day in your future relationship that you discover some sense of responsibility for the mess we created and grow from it. And that you learn to genuinely apologize and not just give blanket apologizes. In case you are wondering….I loved you every day in the 5 years and 3 months. Even when I hated you…I loved you even deeper. No one can ever take your place in my heart. I suspect a piece of me will always belong to you. But the other pieces are moving forward. I miss you and I pray all is well. FYI I finally started wearing clothes under my trench coat lol ~KJM

Mourning A Loss

October 19, 2015 by admin

The thing they never tell you is that while “time will heal all wounds,” you never stop mourning and grieving a loved one. It could be a scent, the taste of a special dish, or a visit to a familiar place that will trigger that loss. Whether it’s a happy or sad memory, you will feel that loss to the depth of your soul and give anything to have them near you again. You will be utterly emotional and give anything for your heart to be whole again. That pain never goes away. It only lies dormant until it is triggered once again… Whether they are dead or alive….the loss stays with you. I’m emotionally exhausted and at the brink of tears. Feeling way too many things at once….

KJM in mourning

Scandal Recap: The That Hoe Over There (THOT) Juice Edition

October 16, 2015 by admin

It’s worth repeating. I have always been Team Olivia AND Team Mellie. Never felt the need to choose because both women are beautifully complex. You love them one minute and hate them the next. I believe Shonda purposely made her characters that way. Exposing their strengths and weaknesses and ultimately making it easy to fall in and out of love continuously with each of them. Last night, Olivia sat on her couch sipping expensive red wine (which from this point on will be referred to as THOT juice) as her life was being publicly exploited. She’s been on that couch for a while now almost as if she was taunting me to write this blog. Liv boo, we are black women! No matter what’s happening our asses better be at work trying to professionally piece our lives together! You are no exception to the rule. Here’s 10 things you need to know about last night’s episode:

10. Every person in life is complex. Olivia, while willingly, became a mistress accidentally. Nothing about her character says that she wanted this life. We can all say that we would never be in such a position (I pray never to be any man’s mistress) but no one knows where the roads lead and what challenges we face in this journey called life but God Almighty Himself. Even Jesus was tempted in the desert. Let us never forget that. Christ was tempted! Of course purely human flesh is going to perish and come up short. We are made in “His Image and Likeness” but we are NOT Christ. Let us also not forget that. Liv gave into temptation and there will forever be a price to pay.

9. You cannot choose who you fall in love with but you can choose how you act on that love.

8. Mellie was pro Olivia when Liv’s affair served her political purpose. Mellie calling Liv a THOT now is comical. After all, That Hoe Over There (Liv) helped the Grants get into the White House by using her intelligence and sacrificing her soul. So to Madame First Lady I say, please don’t forget that you let that hoe into your marriage and accepted her at the dinner table willingly just so you could get the title First Lady! There is always a price to pay for world domination Mellie! If Liv is a hoe, Mellie has always been her pimp.

7. All hoe jokes aside, Liv didn’t get the President by sex. He’s had a lot of that from many women during his marriage. She has his HEART. So she is a THOT that’s in a league of her own. The only way to keep a man is through his heart. It appears that the President’s heart has and will always belong to Liv. I can almost hear Liv singing to the president and at the same time reminding the world with each note:

“You terrify me, cause you’re a man, you’re not a boy
You got some power, and I can’t treat you like a toy
You’re the road less travelled by a little girl
You disregard the mess while I try to control the world
Don’t leave me, stay here and frighten me
Don’t leave me, come now enlighten me
Give me all you got, give me your wallet and your watch
Give me your first-born, give me the rainbow and the…

So go and challenge me, take the reins and see
Watch me squirm baby, but you are just what I need

And I’ve never played a fair game
I’ve always had the upper hand
But what good is intellect and airplay
If I can’t respect any man
Oh I want to play a fair game
Yeah I want to play a fair game”

6. Last night’s episode pointed out the double standard of how society treats women verses men in sex scandals. The media was focused on Liv’s sexual history from birth until now but failed to realize that Fitz is just as much a part of the problem. He’s also a THOT!!!! Even Mellie realized that the person who she needs to truly ruin is her husband NOT Liv! Wives, the man that took that vow with you is the person you should be mad at. A mistress owes no one anything. After all, she took no vows!

5. Mellie and Fitz have always been a political marriage made in hell! They were purposely set up to make Fitz into the president he is today. Sure there was a time they tried to make it work and even adored each other but let’s never pretend this marriage was one ordained by God. This marriage did what it was set out to do…rule the world! Back tracking like it was made by love is silly at best and delusional at worst. They wanted power and that’s what they got! Contract never said a damn thing about love!

4. “Hell knows no fury like a woman scorned!” Fitz had 18 months left of his second term! Why not keep Mellie happy and finish it out with his head held high instead of his pants swinging down low?! As his VP pointed out, when you are the president of the free world you do not get the luxury of acting like a school boy in love. His duty is to his country and he still has 18 months of that duty left!

3. Mellie may think impeaching her husband will get her the presidency but I still think there’s a better way. Perhaps she should have called up Hillary and asked her how she survived the sexual scandals with Bill Clinton! Now Hill may not become the first female president but she at least lined herself up to be in the running. Now there goes a smart and powerful woman. The only passion warranted on the hunt for power is the passion for power! Keep your eyes on the prize Mellie! Plus if Fitz is impeached and you do sneak your way into the presidency, who the hell will be on the campaign trails with you when you are aiming for a second term?! Silly Rabbit! Tricks are for kids!

2. Olitz ended the night by heading out for their first official date! Liv boo did you forget what your mama told you?! “You the help baby.” Right now you look no different than a Mammie from pre Civil War times! You are so use to cleaning up the master’s mess that you somehow got it twisted that you are part of the family and are now helping to increase the mess. Boo, news flash! You still the help! If you want to go down in history as the biggest THOT that ever lived then that’s your choice. But know that they are never going to let a BLACK woman who whores her way through Congress (referring to some of her past boos) and the White House be the First Lady. Thank goodness for Michelle Obama in real life or sistas couldn’t go out this morning with their heads held high! All hail the Queen/Our First Lady Michelle Obama! We love you boo!

1. While all this is happening, Liv has still spent most of her time sipping on the newly coined THOT juice…red wine. Bitch your life is falling apart and you are an intelligent black woman. Are you just going to sit there and watch?! Are you and Fitz just going to throw all your hard work away? All the sacrifices, all the deaths, all the embarrassments, and all the pain that was endured to get this man to the presidency and to build up Pope and Associates? Worst thing about That Hoe Over There is when she don’t know her fucking place! You a mess and need to really read up on the most recent sideline hoe rules. First rule of thumb….a THOT is always a back up singer and never the headliner. ~KJM recapping last night’s episode of Scandal while paraphrasing the Bible and other famous phrases. Also quoting SIA’s Fair Game.

Starting Over (Again)

October 15, 2015 by admin

Nauseous. Very nauseous at the very thought. But I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. It was time to start over. I could no longer pretend that this “situationship” was serving a purpose in my life. 5 years and 3 months of on and off agains as he silently destroyed me with a smile. A destruction I allowed. I aided and abetted him treating me like an after thought….making excuses like he’s 8.5 years younger and just doesn’t know better. But truth be told not even when I was in my early to mid 20s did I ever date such a calculated and destructive man. I don’t think he will ever realize the points of destruction he drove me to but he never broke me. I’m writing this from a MTA train and smiling. I’m writing this from a point of starting over. Whether you just lost a job, lost a loved one, divorced, had to move, or just ended your first relationship…you too can start over. Here are 10 tips to guide you.

10. Whether it was your fault that you are in this position or change was forced upon you, forgive yourself! Often times we carry guilt from the past with us and that makes starting over so much more difficult. I had to forgive myself for allowing myself to be treated like shit and pretending to the outside world that it was ok. That I was ok. I wasn’t.

9. While starting over can be so scary…ask yourself this….did your old life serve you great purpose? Even if it did….consider this…the new chapter may serve an even greater purpose.

8. Pray! Even if you are not a religious person, start the path of spirituality between you and something that is positively higher and more loving than even you yourself. Whether it be to God or to trees….pray!

7. Be easy on yourself as you transition. There will be moments of break downs and self doubt but it’s in those moments that you go back to number 8 and pray. Trust that the universe brought you here for a reason. And that reason was not to destroy you! It was to enlighten you!

6. Every day try to find something that you are grateful for and smile. It could be a great cup of coffee or a great friend who is holding your hand through this life change. Whatever it is…stay grateful for it and smile. I’m very grateful for the new boo. Whether he has to hold me longer or kiss me more intensely to let me know he is there for me…he does it without hesitation.

5. When overwhelmed put one foot before the other. Baby steps into the new chapter of your life. And once again, be easy on yourself if you fumble…especially back into your old life and/or old ways.

4. Breathe! You are doing it. You are taking new steps into changing your life. And you are doing GREAT! Many people don’t have the courage to venture out of their comfort zone (no matter how destructive it is) but you do! And that courage says a lot about you!

3. There will be a day when your new life feels great. In that first moment, don’t feel guilty for moving on. Allow yourself to live in that first happy moment and know that there will be others! Life is about growth! You can’t stay in the same place forever even if you try. It’s impossible! But you can embrace the new breath of fresh air that you have been given and be grateful.

2. I’ve always hated this phrase but it’s true. “Everything happens for a reason.” I was thrusted into change. My hope was dying as my spirit began to float away. I didn’t want to leave him. I loved him. And prayed God would work on him. Finally I got tired and I just prayed 1 Corinthians 13 for the man God has designed for me and only me. Prayer didn’t fail me. It strengthened me. Nourished my soul when I thought this was the end for me…that my heart may never love again. I now believe that all the things I went through in those 5 years and 3 months will make me a better girlfriend and wife, one day. I learned how to love unconditionally yet never let go of who I was and my love for myself.

1. It’s a new day and whatever loss I’ve suffered there is more to gain around the corner. More smiles, more laughter, and more love. God chose me to live this beautiful life! And while I am forever an imperfect Christian, I was still made in “HIS image and likeness.” HE is not through with me yet! That negative situation will not stop HIS plan for me! And whether you know it or not, GOD is not through with you either! “All things are possible through Christ!” Whether you are a Christian or not…do know that the universe is not through with you either! This is your new beginning! Now walk into it with pride! You earned it! ~KJM in the beginning and paraphrasing some passages from the Bible.

The Haunting

October 12, 2015 by admin

Saying goodbye to a person after they have grossly mistreated you is easy. It’s saying goodbye to the dreams you had when things were great that becomes…haunting.

KJM reminiscing

Allowing Yourself To Be Healed

October 11, 2015 by admin

Allowing yourself to be healed is in itself a difficult task. You have to admit you have been hurt and then be willing to entrust your scars to another….hoping and praying that they will not reopen old wounds.

KJM in the beginning

Scandal Recap: Selling My Love Cheaply

October 9, 2015 by admin

Last night’s episode of Scandal was deep. So many things flooded my mind. One thing stood out: Mellie’s position. Let me start off by saying I’m Team Olivia AND Team Mellie. I never felt the need to choose. So much I love and hate about them both. However, last night I could identify with Mellie the most. There she was…this amazingly beautiful and complex woman…faced with some difficult choices. She stood by this man “come hell come high water” and she was now being put out to pasteur like yesterday’s used up cash cow. Leaving any home would be hard but leaving the White House must be particularly painful. I’ve faith she will be back as Madame President though! Now back to her position. I wish that someone would have told me what I’m about to tell you in my freshman year of college. Every woman, whether she be deemed weak or strong, will have moments in love where she feels she sold her soul to the devil. Even a strong woman will have days when she feels she sold her love cheaply. There Mellie was….hurt and abused yet filled with strength! I’ve been there recently. Cried almost once a week through the summer and praying that the Lord deliver me from this “situationship” I had put myself in. I felt disrespected and less than at times. It was like he was crushing my spirit. I’m not even sure if he was doing it purposely or if he had been so use to me giving all my love away so cheaply that I signed up to be forgotten and then treated like an after thought. I don’t think he ever really looked at me as he stepped over my body…metaphorically of course. In his only defense…I set the bar for what my love was worth. He was never in the position to set that price. Everything he took from me carelessly…I gave willingly and so did Mellie! So she is right…she deserves more! But not because of what she gave willingly…she deserves more because she is taking back her power over herself and setting the price for what she is now worth! My guess is she is….priceless! Strong women will have similar moments but we must always go back to the drawing board (or in a brand new relationship) and demand our worth! No one sets the price for what you are worth but YOU. And even in those moments of sadness…moments of second guessing yourself….allow yourself to be human and know that you are doing the best you can. Strength is not about avoiding hurt….strength is in picking up the pieces, rebuilding, and demanding your worth. So to the future Madame President and all the women in a similar position please sing: “You did not break me
I’m still fighting for peace

Well, I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade – it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
Yeah, I may snap and I move fast
But you won’t see me fall apart
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

I’ve got an elastic heart
Yeah, I’ve got an elastic heart” ~SIA. Writer’s Note: In French, Madame refers to a married woman while Madam is the mistress of a household.

~KJM still high off of Scandal