Online dating! Just the thought of it makes me want to throw up but most of us have done it at one time or another. I even know couples who got married to people they met online. This blog is not for them. This blog is for the rest of us that were either transitioning from a bad relationship or searching for someone and ended up realizing that single ain’t so bad compared to the rejects we met online! I went online for 3 months when I was trying to get over severe heartbreak. What I found was scarier than Freddie, Jason, and Mike Myers! Here are the 10 scariest guys we’ve met online (a guide to help you avoid them).

10. The None Committer: My friend Willow tried online dating a few years ago. She met a 40yr old white guy named James. James had an awesome job working for the federal government and two houses (one was a summer house in another state). Upon meeting James, Willow learned that he was 40 and had never been married. Now my best friend, who is also a white male, told me that if you meet a white man who is 40 and never been married….run! He doesn’t want to be! Turns out James had had several serious relationships, but was never engaged. The biggest warning sign was when James said he lived with his last girlfriend, built both houses while being with her, all the houses were only in his name, and his girlfriend paid half of both mortgages! Oh hell naw! James didn’t want a companion…he clearly wanted a roommate! Willow, being very kind hearted and caring, dated James for two years! And yes you guessed it…he never fully committed! It’s not all bad news though! One of the things James mentioned was that every woman who left him got engaged and/or married within 6mths to a year of leaving him! Willow prayed, left James, and I’m happy to report got engaged a year after leaving James and is now happily married to an amazing man! Go Willow!

9. Mister I ain’t got no job: I met a few guys online that straight up and openly were looking for women to support them. Some men think women will put up with anything just to have a man…and some women will but not this woman!

8. The Controller: let’s revisit James again! As soon as he and Willow started dating (and without there ever being an issue of social networks affecting their relationship), he tried to convince her to close down all her social network accounts and claimed he would do the same. He also wanted to control all her time. Willow is a stunning woman! James was trying to make sure no one could see how stunning she was but him! Ladies watch out because this type of man may get physically violent one day! Thank goodness for Willow it never came to that.

7. The Pimp: If you meet a guy online, you guys date for a while, become exclusive, and he still has his dating profile up….um he’s not exclusive! He’s still searching and probably dating behind your back while you think you’ve found the one!

6. The Narcissist: a few years ago, I met a cop online. Let’s call him Larry. He was beautiful. Body ripped! But his personality was ugh! Larry thought his pretty looks and banging body could get him anyone! No sir it won’t! He wanted me to call him all the time yet he didn’t call me. Also, Larry was cheap with women. Our first “outing” was filled with me watching him shop for himself! Larry never even bought me coffee! We just walked around the outside mall talking….as he shopped! And I hated his feet! Larry wore his feet out on our first outing. You ever heard of a man pedicure Larry?! I “talked” to Larry for 3mths. We argued all the time and never even saw each other face to face again! Thank goodness I didn’t even let him kiss my elbow! He certainly can kiss my ass now though!

5. The Dead Beat: there are men online with 80 million children that they don’t take care of yet they have the nerve to be online looking for new pussy! Ladies when a man tells you he has kids he never sees…don’t buy the story that his child’s mother won’t let him! A real man will take her to court and fight for the right to see his kids! Also, realize if he has an entire family he doesn’t take care of…there’s a great chance he won’t take care of any family he creates with you!

4. The Married but pretending to be single man: if you meet a man, date him for months, never seen where he lives, don’t know his friends, and don’t know his family….you are probably not the only one! There are many married men online pretending to be single! And I’m not talking separated (though I wouldn’t date them either)…I mean men living with their wives! Some won’t have profile pictures up but will encourage you to still consider them. If you are taking a risk online and putting your pictures up…he should too! Now some of these married men are bold and slick! His pictures may be up and his status may say single but look for the signs. If the relationship grows yet still has the restrictions of an only online relationship…know that you are not the only one!

3. The gay looking for a beard/I don’t know what fucking gender you are man: no matter what you put in your profile, men who clearly don’t fit the description will write you! And that’s fine because one may be the love of your life in an unexpected package. But others will be online just for the purpose of deceiving you. Most women, whether they know it or not, have dated a man that’s “in the closet.” Men not disclosing that they are gay or bisexual is a huge problem. To these men I say, please do not lure a woman into your mess. I support your right to be who you are but I don’t support you purposely misleading and hurting a woman who thought she found a straight man who wants to get married! Please don’t do this to us! Find someone who you can be honest with and that would still be interested in dating you. To piggy back off of that, every now and then someone would pop up in my inbox that I could not tell if they were a man or woman. If I can’t tell your gender, I’m definitely not going to want to date you! I’m looking for a MAN! To women who still inboxed me…no you can’t change my mind and turn me out! I hate to say this but in my book…nothing can replace a penis 🙁

2. The weirdo: my friend Tiffany just went online for the first time. She met a man who claimed to be a firefighter AND….wait for it…a MEDIUM. After a few online messages, this dude explained that he had a spiritual awakening a few years ago and can now talk to dead people! And yes he was serious!!!! He left Tiffany dazed and confused but definitely not wanting to go on a first date! Ugh….stay away from the freaks!

And 1. The Asshole: I met a guy online that I will call Todd. He was 30, had a bachelors degree in criminal justice, and had a job as a maintenance man at a hotel. When I first messaged him my number, I had no idea that Todd did not have a cell phone that was on nor access to any phone at all! He was using a google number linked to his sister’s cell phone and using wifi hot spots to message me on our dating site. This should have been my first warning sign. Todd was biracial (black and white) and was raised by his white side of family. Pay attention because this will be important later! He lived with his family while I had a career and was renting a two bedroom condo. I didn’t judge because he was crazy intelligent, sounded sweet, and I understood what it was like to be a young professional looking for that first great job! You have to make ends meet in the mean while. I don’t drink coffee so I decided we should meet for ice cream in the day time at an outdoor mall. When we got to Cold Stone, I saw Todd sweating bullets as he looked at the prices. Now Cold Stone ice cream is a bit pricey in the ice cream world let’s say in comparison to Dairy Queen but I did not think it was an unaffordable first date. I offered to buy both of our ice creams when he said he didn’t realize it would be so expensive but he found a way to buy his. I still did not judge him. This should have been my second warning sign. We found a bench and sat and talked. Todd said he had been online dating for years and met his last girlfriend online. They were together for 6mths when they broke up. This should have been my third warning sign. I asked Todd what his idea of a good online first date was. He nervously replied…one where he slept with the woman. I quickly explained to him that I never leave the house for a date with a loaded pocketbook and that I had pleasured myself for two hours prior to our meeting so there was no spot that he was going to try to hit that I had not taken care of myself! Todd looked shocked. This should have been my fourth warning sign. We got into a deep conversation about interracial dating. Todd did not believe black women should date white men. As a matter of fact, he was dead against it! I politely disagreed! This should have been my final warning sign and I should have bolted! Soon I had to end the “date” because I got hungry! A few days later, Todd contacted me and asked me if he could wash his dirty draws at my place! The nerve! I told him the only men to come through my apartment door was my father and Jesus! He was not invited! Todd started to curse me out and say that I’m not serious about being in a relationship and that I’m waiting on some white man! Things got ugly from here. Todd basically told me that I was the slave master’s concubine.  Since Todd took it to slavery and the master lusting after/raping the black female slaves, I had to remind him that he should have never gone there as he has the master’s blood running through his body! No this motherfucker didn’t! ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying beware of online dating!