It’s close to the end of the year and like most of you…I am taking stock of my life in the final days of 2016. I have heard many say that 2016 was a terrible year and it wasn’t until around August that I realized it wasn’t really a good year for me. 2016 wasn’t as bad as May 2009-April 2013 (Yikes…I cringe just thinking about those years) but I still cried a lot and got bad news after bad news…consistently trying to keep my head above water. Many things I have shared with you all…but my deepest sadness…I still carry around inside of me. To lighten up my mood…I started to focus on my love life because let’s be honest…it’s always fucking comical! In January Elijah said “Love You” and in May, the Ex Factor said “Love You too.” While they weren’t bold declarations of love…I started to rehash how many guys had said some form of “I Love You” to me. Once again…a comical rehash. To my recollection…there have been 7 guys that have told me they love me. In my opinion, none of them ever truly loved me. Those words or some sentiments of those words were spoken to me out of control or as a place holder for a girl/woman they use to know or yearn to know. That’s sad to say but it’s MY truth! Hell it may be many of our truths and some of us just don’t know it! I believe…when a woman is truly loved…she knows it, depends on it, blossoms in it, and feels secure in it. I’ve never had that…romantically! Even with my oral surgery…I never told the Ex Factor when I was having it. Didn’t trust him to be there because I knew he would gladly let me down! So I depended on the men in my family and they have been there! Waiting on me hand and foot! There’s no man I’ve cared for romantically that I could depend on for shit. My men specialize in let down city…so I don’t trust them with much. Hence always traveling by myself or with my family all the time. I’ve never known a romantic love to be strong enough to be by my side. To be honest…I don’t know many women who have either. Even my “happily” married female friends (if they actually had an honest conversation with themselves) do not put all their trust in their husbands! If one is smart…they will always remember human beings are flawed! Nothing but God is good, true, and forever! But hey that’s just me! lol. So what was my love life like in 2016? Well first off, my Penn State friend’s dog, Solomon, was my first kiss at midnight going into 2016! I have never been kissed by a dog before much less at such a special time and had only kissed one guy, my Penn State Football player college sweetheart, when the ball dropped New Years Day 2003 in Orlando, FL. What did this all mean? Would it be a loved filled year? 2016 turned out to be another year of love trials and tribulations but I never ran out of having someone to kiss! ?Elijah wasn’t the one and the Ex Factor turned out to not be the one either. But for the moments that my heart soared and I truly believed in our love (the Ex Factor and I) I will forever be grateful for the risks my heart took. He came back for me. Maybe he didn’t come back for all the right reasons nor did he fight for me…but he came back for me and for a split second…I saw his HEART! It was a glimpse worth waiting for. ? ~KJM on Flashback Friday saying I pray 2017 is filled with real romantic love! ?

This is going to sound so weird coming from me but it’s 4:23am…just a few hours before I have all of my wisdom teeth pulled…and I just have to get something straight with you guys. I am nervous and yes…I am scared. I’m the type of person who has never been sick (minus the flu) and has never had any type of surgery. Couple that with the thousands I’m paying out of pocket for this surgery and I just feel sick to my stomach. Please keep me in your prayers. ?? I love to control everything but I cannot control this. As a matter of fact, I am realizing that I haven’t been able to control much lately! Here I am in this very scary moment and I know that I cannot count on the Ex Factor. And I’m not even mad about it. I think I’ve known for a while…that he wasn’t MY ONE. You see just like with Julio…I feel like I’m trapped in a cycle. Like the devil got a hold of my soul and just because I love a man….doesn’t mean he is my forever. To be honest, I know he’s holding on to me until he finds someone better. I think I’ve been doing the same subconsciously. Every time I see a better opportunity and I feel like I just cannot take the hell I am in…I leave the Ex Factor (with or without notice). He isn’t ready to be loved and I’m finally ready to give love. WE hide so much from each other (never use to be like that) but since December 2012, when my trust in him was broken, I don’t think I’ve ever fully forgiven him nor let him back in. It’s like I’ve let him put one foot back in the house…but the rest of his body is hanging outside. ? I have said it time and time again…I hold grudges and part of me is still angry about the past! In the present…I’m not angry…I’m just exhausted. Exhausted from fighting to heal something that wants to stay broken. I remember my 10 years on and off with Julio. It was so toxic that no one ever thought I would finally get him out of my system! But they were wrong! And so was I for that matter! Lol. In April 2017, I would have known Julio for 20 years…the last 10 of which I couldn’t stand the sight of him. No one ever saw that coming but God knew and I believe deep down inside…I always knew that Julio was NOT the one. It’s just nothing better (or shall I say more toxic) had come along until I met the Ex Factor in June 2010. Once again I fell for Mr. Wrong and found myself in another no win situation! I love the Ex Factor in a way I’ve never loved any other man…but I don’t trust him and damn sure don’t respect him. There’s only one guy I’ve ever dated that I respected and that’s the football player from college because he always kept it real with me, was honest about where we stood (we knew neither of us was ever IN love), and his word was his bond! ?? That’s why he has always been my one that’s got away. Never was I ever held tight by a man so caring…until there was him! Never did I have a man treat me with so much respect…even when no one else was around…never did a man hold me up so high…until there was the football player! I really hope and pray the football player is happy in the relationship he’s in and stays blessed! Because I’ve known what it’s like to date someone wonderful that I’m not in love with but is too great to let go (speaking of the football player here)…I get where the Ex Factor is coming from. He’s at a point where he thinks he can find better than me (maybe he’s felt that way from the jump) but doesn’t want to let me go in case he’s wrong! That was me with the football player! We split in 2004 yet I held onto that friendship until 2012…when he met someone special! Ahhh yes if you do the math, I was dating the Ex Factor at that time! Daddy didn’t raise no fool! I’ve always kept my options open!?? While he did not tell me that he wanted to end our friendship, I finally let the football player go because as his friend…I wanted him to be happy! That right there is one of the big differences between men and women! A man will hold onto a woman he don’t truly want til he goes to his grave because he’s selfish! A good woman, on the other hand, especially when she’s not in love….will let that man go so that he can be happy. This is what I wished Julio, the Ex Factor, and all the other guys I’ve dated had done for me. Leave me the fuck alone because I can do bad by my damn self! ?? I think they held on tightly…not because they thought I would do bad…but because they thought I would find HAPPINESS without them! ? Men are selfish creatures like that! BUT GOD! What God can remove from our hearts and lives…no man has the power to!?? So my prediction is…just like Julio…one day (soon I hope and pray) I will get up…quietly…and be permanently over this toxic phase I have with the Ex Factor. Because God is just that GOOD! So as I prepare to have my surgery…I want to enlighten you (guys and girls) on what I recommend you do when you find out he or she is not the one! REJOICE!?? Because God’s got you coverage! Know that you were not forgotten…you were just being prepared for something and someone better. When it feels like that toxic version of love has the upper hand on you…remember that GOD IS ABLE! Also, if you aren’t married nor have kids with your soon to be toxic ex….consider yourself lucky! You will get out easily…with some bumps and bruises on your heart…but you will love again! Consider yourself to be blessed because God didn’t take you down the alter for you to find out you did not marry HIS promise to you! HE warned you way before! So REJOICE…even through the tears because this too shall pass! And even if you are married and are having this conversation with yourself….all is not lost! I’ve a good amount of friends on their second marriages! Maybe the first one wasn’t a “Godly meant to be marriage” but the second one just may be! Do not lose hope! Do not think that the devil will be on your back forever for…GOD IS ABLE! In my heart of hearts, I cannot tell you how things will play out with the Ex Factor. Only God knows the full story. But I can tell you that it’s a freeing feeling to finally come to terms with the fact that he is not my one! I’m going to fall in love again and this time, with all the lessons I’ve learned, I will also be loved! Not selfishly but wholeheartedly! And there will be trials and tribulations but I shall be going through them with a man I love, trust, and respect! No more wondering where I stand…because he will let me know! And he will be ready…so will I…for that matter! That’s my prediction! So REJOICE ladies and gentlemen because the BEST has yet to come! And if you are worried about your toxic ex finding happiness before you do…let me give you a tip. Julio has been engaged…I don’t know how many times…impregnated women…I don’t know how many times…and while I’m not rejoicing in his pain…last I check…he’s still single and bitter!!! I’ve never been engaged and never been pregnant. While I’m not the smartest in love…I’ve always protected the permanent treasures in my life from a fake forever! Some folks…Lawd…especially men…will go with whomever! Take whomever! Marry whomever! They didn’t find the one God sent for them…they took her replacement because she was easier! Now I don’t wish that fate on any of my exes…I really do wish them well…but I want to spare y’all what I went through with Julio. Every special announcement he had going on in his life…Julio would share with me! And when I hung up the phone…when I use to care of course…I would cry! I would think…he treats them so much better than me! But in all honesty, when Julio ran down all he had gone through in the almost 10 years since we had seriously dated…those women got more material things out of him because he sure never bought me shit…but those things were all false gods…pretty, expensive, looked like they were signaling something deep…but in actuality weren’t signaling anything at all but false promises and false hope! Those women went through hell and back with Julio! I now consider myself the lucky one! Life is really funny like that…I wish I could have told my May 2007 self (our final break up and the first time and last time Julio broke up with me) that I was the lucky one! Let’s repeat that! I WAS THE LUCKY ONE!!! So I stay “in waiting” and get frustrated with God at times but do not give up on me…for I’m leaving this entire Ex Factor mess to God! REJOICE when it’s clear that he’s not the one and then…let “Jesus take the wheel!” ~KJM on Hump Day saying…be blessed my friends. Please keep me and my family in your prayers!

The last couple of days have been so up and down for me. I have some things going that have made the last month in the year stressful and on top of that…my seasonal affective disorder has kicked in…right on time may I add…and I cannot stop crying! For those of you not familiar with seasonal affective disorder…it’s when a certain season brings on a funk or temporary depression. For many of us…the reduction of sunlight in the winter time can trigger it. For others…it could be a time of year something traumatic has happened and you are now reliving it during your difficult season. I hear some people get it in the summer. It’s so different for everyone but for me….once December kicks in…I’m moody and I cannot stop crying! Not to mention temperamental! I’m already a fire cracker so you can just imagine how much more crazy things get until the first day of Spring! Plus if you throw in being a Gemini!? Well let’s just say don’t get in my way! Now that I’ve covered my current mind frame…let’s get in to today’s Charm School Lesson! Last Thursday…and quite accidentally…the Ex Factor and I got into a stupid argument which went on until Saturday! It all started when he asked (what I perceived to be a dumb question) and I asked for clarification. When he continued with his line of ridiculous questioning…which left me feeling old, too wise, and exhausted…I lost my shit and went on the attack! He, in turn, did something he does not typically do…fought back!? Usually the Ex Factor just leaves me standing there (figuratively) pissed off by myself! He tries very hard to avoid unnecessary arguments but on this particular day…he must have either fell and bumped his head ?…OR he thought his question was innocent and I blew it out of proportion! We argued back and forth for two days! And hence the birth of my blog “He Disagrees With MY Feelings!” The Ex Factor is typically emotionless, to me, and I…especially around this time of year…am FULL OF EMOTIONS! ? And so we went back and forth…I mean this man even sent me a list of text messages in response to my one damaging text message! That’s so not like him! So we argued on and I cried and cried for two days! Then something weird happened…just as I was beginning to block him…Facebook reminded me that this time of year…I CRY! And it started to settle in that while the Ex Factor can be insensitive…I’m not in my right damn mind currently! But my pride didn’t let me get myself together. I was hoping he would bend first! I sent him this long break up text (after unblocking him) in which I ended it with Happy Holidays! This dude responded “Thanks Hun…Happy Holidays to you too!” What the fuck?! All I could do to not lose my shit again was respond and say “lol that was the best possible response!” In which he replied, lol! I mean what the fuck?! Either the Ex Factor just didn’t give a fuck or he knew I was tripping and decided to only respond to the one positive part of my text message!? Dazed and confused…I finally got out of bed and went to my family with this whole mess….as in my brother, Junior, and my cousins. And that’s when it happened! Saturday began THE REALIZATION! That moment when I understood something that I’ve been trying to fight all along! My family, including my brother’s girlfriend, got me out of bed, made me laugh, and gave me an opportunity to step outside of my point of view and look at our argument from many different angles! My family lifted me up! And gave me the courage to laugh at life when I had been crying! That’s when it dawned on me…did the Ex Factor always put his family (I get this one) and his boys before me because they too lifted him up during difficult times?! Like the times I left with no explanation…or the times I left because everything just seemed too much for me?! Did he lose his trust in me like I lost it in him? The Ex Factor always says he needs to know we will work out before he makes a deeper commitment. In my mind I’m like…that must be code for I’m not the one…because that sure sounds like some bullshit! But there’s three things I cannot deny (1) I’m inconsistent! I left him sometimes when I did not have the tools nor patience to work things out! (2) If he had left me even once…there’s no way we would know each other now! and (3) despite my flaws and insecurities…I do truly love him. Perhaps neither one of us knows how to love and support each other unconditionally! And so we build walls to keep each other out! Because no one wants to get hurt again! So those times I felt he was choosing his boys over me…makes a little more sense now. Maybe there were times he couldn’t get out of bed and they got him to move. Maybe there were times he needed to laugh and they provided the jokes?! If so…I get it. I now get it. My family means everything to me and this past weekend I would have crumbled without them! If that’s what his support system is like and he too is treading lightly until I can regain his trust…then I get it!!! And that’s my realization! It’s so easy to only look at things with our own eyes! So easy to miss the things we need to work on! Now I’m not saying we are going to make it nor that everything is my fault! What I am saying is…he’s not the only one who has some work to do! ~KJM on Charm School Monday! I hope this blog helps someone out there similarly situated! While I’m careful not to continue to share the meaningful details of our arguments…I will always aim to pass on the positive lessons! Prayers always needed! ?? 

It’s Hump day and I really wanted to write one of my “sex” blogs but something else was in my heart. Episodes 10 and 11 of the podcast series took me there! When Lioness submitted her first recording of “The End (Song Cry Edition)” I was moved to tears. She was the first performer to go way back in time followed by Grace with “Luther Can Impregnate Women From The Grave” which I believe was my very first real blog!?? Episodes 10 and 11 opened up a sea of emotions that I had long buried and to know that the Ex Factor is back in my life while Elijah is a distant memory…is surreal. I write to you guys frequently but once I put my thoughts down…I move on from it until that theme is revisited…naturally. Hence why the “Death To The Bad Bitch” series is taking so long to fully play out (Intro dropped November 2015 and Part 1 dropped in November 2016). ? I freestyle write so you guys are following me when I’m encountering these issues. To be a lifestyle blogger…means to not let any one emotion dominate your world. So if I feel heartbreak…soon I have to move on from it. Soon I have to give myself (followed by my readers and listeners)…HOPE! I HAVE TO PICK UP THE PIECES! No room to leave myself nor you hanging! ?? So when Lioness’ voice said it was THE END….I got chills up and down my spine. I felt that moment! Hell I lived that moment! And I really thought I was done! Too broken to fix what could not be fixed! Then time went on and it’s like I heard a voice that said “BUT GOD!” ?? I can only think that I was meant to revisit my love for the Ex Factor. There was something left that God needed me to learn! I have no clue what that lesson is. To be honest…I was so embarrassed to say I was ending it with Elijah and then two months later had to say that I’ve opened a door for the Ex Factor….AGAIN! ???For once, I let my heart rule me. I’ve cried so much…still…but not the kind of crying that left me feeling like a weak woman…more like the kind of tears that has given me STRENGTH! ???? So as I pick up the pieces and sort through them…I thank you for staying with me on this journey. For not giving up on me and for believing in me!? I have no clue what I’m doing but the podcast series teaches me that I’m close to my destiny! ?? When I hear each of my performers’ voices…channeling me…I believe in God’s promise to me!? And the amount of emotional support I’ve received from friends and family has been wonderful! Interesting fact about Episode 11…..I was so depressed by the break up with Elijah that I wanted to take a month off from writing! Willow asked me if I was going to China because they sure do have laptops there too! No reason to stop writing! And if I’m sad…write about that! And so I did. That time period gave birth to Episode 11!?? And to me…it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever written! The feelings are so raw and true. I feel it! My producer: Loyalist and my engineer: ANS Studios had to finish the episode without me. I was absolutely blown away when I heard the finished product! Could you feel the rain, thunder, and lightning as my heart was breaking! Wow…and ironically…I was able to drop Episode 11 on a very stormy east coast day! ?? Yes…I FELT that storm! ~KJM on Hump Day saying stick with us in 2017! The blog continues daily and the podcast series should be back some time in January! ? 

It’s tough being a Gemini! We feel so much…so suddenly…and all those feelings are real. Yes we can switch it up on people really fast but that does not make us two faced…it just makes us in tuned to every part of our mind, body, and soul. The Gemini rarely represses anything…we expose it all…sometimes in the blink of an eye. That’s us in a nutshell! And while half the time I feel out of my damn mind…I have accepted all parts of me as they submerge. ?? Perhaps this explains Saturday night. I went to bed happy and full! Then awoke in tears that flowed all day! Like all fucking day! The tears got more intense as I started googling articles about emotionally unavailable men. If you are dating or married to one…please do not Web MD your mind! Boy was I in for a mind fuck! I know I’ve warned you guys of these articles but I’m human! Of course, I still get sucked in to them. Most of the articles had some common themes (1) an emotionally available man is a lot of fucking work so ask yourself if he’s worth it (no shit)! (2) only a very independent woman who does not look for a man to be her everything can pair well with an emotionally unavailable man! (3) if I’m googling, I’m probably not in a good place and need to reassess myself! Some articles suggested I was broken (possibly true from childhood stuff) because only a broken woman would entertain a man incapable of commitment and emotions! The irony here is the articles changed their tune when addressing a wife married to an emotionally unavailable man. They basically said do the work Bitch and get him to do it too! All in all…the “experts” seem to suggest a man being emotionally unavailable must find his way with patience, freedom, and understanding! Now I get that one! We women can’t change a man! Working on ourselves is already a fucking ordeal! Can’t imagine sorting out his shit too! Further in tears, I checked in with some of my beautiful girlfriends who were in heartbreak hotel back in March when I saw them and are now happily in love! I am so overjoyed for them because I know the dark corners they had to turn to find new and reaffirming love! So proud of them but once they asked me for an update…I burst in tears because like I’m in the same fucking place they left me! A place of uncertainty with the Ex Factor. Now crying and crying, I reached out to some of my other girlfriends who would understand me or can provide guidance. Harmony and I are so much alike. She gets that we made a choice to live this freeing life without marriage and children but sometimes there’s a price to pay for it all! While I’m booking my next vacation (which I love doing) my peeps are getting engaged and having babies! I thank Harmony for getting me! It’s nice to be easily understood. Then I reached out to Scarlet and she provided some words of comfort and told me to be easy on myself…so grateful for her…because she got me on the right track….the track of self love and self acceptance. But it was when I reached out to Grace that it all came together for me. When Grace speaks…I tend to listen because she’s one of my few friends who live and breathe the scripture! She sets me straight with the Word and all of a sudden I understand myself better. Yesterday, however, she refuted some of these articles and told me to take all the good news that’s being flooded my way as a sign that happiness was on the way!?? And that’s when I did it…I had a honest conversation with myself…where I am…and what I want! I have always known that I was emotionally unavailable romantically. It’s the biggest complaint I’ve received from guys I’ve dated…especially Julio!? I feel so much but there’s very few guys that could tap into those feelings. Matter of fact…the Ex Factor is the only one and I’m willing to bet that’s because when two emotionally unavailable people meet up…one must bend a bit. And so it was me! I had to reveal parts of myself…be vulnerable…which I only started to do in 2016! As much as you all have been following the Ex Factor and I…there’s so much you do not know nor can comprehend about us. For example, we’ve never said I love you in person! I have known that I loved him since July 2010! It’s now December 2016 and I’ve yet to say it to his face! It’s not because it’s not real to me….it’s because it’s TOO real to me. I feel it in all I do! In the air I breathe, when I fall asleep at night, when I wake up in the mornings, and even when I am driving! I FEEL HIS LOVE! And it paralyzes me at times because I’m afraid that love could change the core of who I am…independent and strong…and not for the better. Another fun fact…I don’t know if I’ve mentioned…is even though he’s been in my life for 6.5 years…half of that time we were not dating! I left him every time things got hard…sometimes with a warning shot and many times without a single word. I’ve left him in the dust without an explanation because if I had to say a word…I would have stayed! Sometimes he deserved to be left but last year in particular…I should have taken Nicole, Junior, and Grace’s advice and rode out the bumps in the road until things were smooth again! But Elijah presented himself and I figured it was a sign from God to run from the Ex Factor!? I don’t regret Elijah because I learned so much about myself and the way I communicate in relationships! I learned that I was trying to control the Ex Factor with my silent treatments and nasty ways and when it didn’t work…I bounced! Elijah taught me those things when he tried to use those very same tactics on me! And it didn’t get Elijah…me…no it didn’t. I left. No matter what I’ve done…the Ex Factor has never left me…all he’s ever asked is that I’m patient and give him time to get where I need him to be. Deep…the problem with being patient (besides the fact that I have none!) is I fear that over time we may not choose each other or worse…he may not choose me! The Ex Factor is the one and only man…I’ve ever been afraid of losing. This is also a good time to remind myself and my readers that even when I realized Elijah was not the one…I sat on my ass and decided pride was more important than love. I never reached out to the Ex Factor…he reached out to me! As he has continuously been doing for the last 6.5 years! If I have to text first I’m annoyed and feel rejected because I feel like I should be catered the fuck to but if I’m being honest…I did not always deserve to be catered to! Not to mention…I’ve yet to entrust the Ex Factor with some news that’s changed my life drastically in mid July! I told him my life was changing and I needed to know if he would be there for me. He asked over and over again….what was happening and yet I still couldn’t let him in. That piece of myself that I kept tucked away is the reason I started to exert serious pressure on our situationship! I was asking him to let me in without being able to let him in my damn self! And so our lives continued to be a struggle! I would push and he would pull! Tucking ourselves away for fear of being rejected. That’s our story! This was the conversation I had with myself…perhaps I am broken but the thing I must acknowledge is I am not ready either…I just do not want to be waiting in vain. If one of you introduced me to your very serious relationship minded brother or friend…I would probably cheat on him and then leave him! ? That’s a hard fucking truth to admit but the two serious guys I’ve dated…I fucked over. Not speaking of Julio nor Elijah here! ✌?️ They were each their own joke in their own way and not ready for shit but to control somebody. A guy I use to care about once told me he was falling for me and that he wanted to marry me…I hung up the phone on him and never picked it back up. It’s 8 years later…and I still never did pick up my phone! Don’t worry…last I check…he’s now happily married. Got married shortly after I stopped picking up my phone. When a man is ready….he’s ready…and when Kingston isn’t…she ain’t!?? So I get the Ex Factor’s stance for I am the female version of him! And Lawd knows I always keep my options open or else there couldn’t have been an Elijah! Yet even with being honest with myself…it took a while to figure out where the tears were really coming from. Well I’m at the end of my period so there’s that! ? But I think the bigger reason is I’ve never worked anything out with any man before now. That’s why Julio and I didn’t make it amongst other reasons. We kept sweeping the dirt under the rug and trying to start again until the dirt was just too much! Now…with the Ex Factor…I’m surrounded by my stuff and his stuff! ? I am in the room with the dirt and I’m not sweeping it under the rug. I’m slowly trying to throw it out as we tackle each particle. And if these articles are right…the odds are not in my favor. But I LOVE HIM. These sites make love seem so easy. Like finding a man who can commit now will make a good marriage later! I hear it takes a lot more to make a marriage work…though commitment is the first step. But my follow through game is so different than many. If I don’t love that man….I will always leave him…for it’s only love that could stop me in my tracks! I need someone who appreciates my independence and is patient with me. Someone not trying to change me. Maybe I’m doomed. Maybe true heartbreak is on its way. No matter what…I want to be able to say I stood up and fought for us. That I didn’t give up until it was clear there was nothing left there to build on! So I was crying because I want to stay and be patient with this man. I want to be human. I want to take a risk on love. I want to live with my heart outside of my body. And so I right before I put the S back on my chest…I want to say that I’m choosing the life I’m living…and I’m vulnerable in this moment. ~KJM on Charm School Monday! Shout out to Harmony, Scarlet, and Grace ?