Let me start off by saying I am a Gemini who is currently on her period! Lol. So that means that today’s thoughts will range from emotional to borderline psychotic! ? Lately, because I have a little more time on my hands than usual, I have been in my own mind. ? The last two months have been great with the Ex Factor! I can see and feel him trying. And that’s a beautiful thing. A couple of times, he has even surprised me in a good way. I love good surprises! ?? Though he gets irritated when I say he surprised me…but bro for real…you haven’t tried this hard in years! ? So of course I’m gonna cheer you on. Lol. This week, when nothing has gone wrong, I start to overthink things. Forgiveness is totally not my thing…well not in a romantic situation. The Gemini never forgets which at times can help sabotage our own happiness. Folks do fuck up…even the Gemini…but still we hold things against our lovers. This isn’t one of our greatest traits. Couple holding grudges with an active brain that loves to replay pain and the Gemini is definitely in trouble! ??? While I can feel him being more present…in ways he had not been…I still cannot help but remember all the hurts from the past 7 years. This may be hard for couples who are newly dating to understand but folks that have been together 5 years or more can feel me on this. I’m choosing to stay on this journey with the Ex Factor and sometimes I resent myself for it. ? There…I said it! My ego and pride says I shouldn’t even be dealing with him but if you ask my ego and pride…they would also tell you that I shouldn’t ever have to go through shit! ??? That’s right! I said that too.? In all my years of dating, with the exception of the Ex Factor, I have never worked shit out with anyone. Anytime Julio and I would get into it (only bringing him up because he’s my only other long term relationship ? *throws up in mouth just a little bit*) I would dump his ass (usually after 3 months) and go date another dude! Later we would get back together but never discuss our issues! We did this for 10 years! ??? If you remember nothing else from today’s blog, please always communicate with your spouse! Continuously sweeping dirt under the rug will always make for a dirty house…from the foundation up!?? But back to me! Lol. Kingston was never meant to go through any bullshit…that is until I realized that I’m not perfect and if I never work through things with someone I love…I’m going to end up alone…like some of the other women in my family. While they went through hell and back with their men…not one (that I know of) aimed to work on themselves…at least not in my parents’ generation! My Great Grandmother Alice was the only woman who broke the mold in our family…as a mother and wife. May God forever rest her beautiful soul. She was one of a kind. ? Thinking that your spouse is always the issue and it’s never you is a recipe for a lonely life! ? Remember this…keeping a man ain’t everything but working on being a better person for ourselves should be everything! ?? Now that I have laid the foundation for this blog…let’s get back to my mind playing tricks on me. The other day I had the urge to go and find the text messages the Ex Factor sent me in April. It was the most hurtful yet nicely written messages I have ever read. Shots fired and I was getting hit in every part of my body. I went numb rereading those messages. Like why would I do this? They weren’t easy to find for I had deleted them from my phone…but had sent them to Grace, one of only two friends I would ever share something so personal with. ? I knew in my text history to her…the messages would be in there. And there I was…reliving his painful words. My sister, Brenda, says that if I chose to stay with the Ex Factor, I should not be bringing up things from the past years! Even though I struggle with this concept…these messages happened in 2017 and it’s still 2017…and I am still hurt. It’s like my mind says…be happy now but never forget!? And once someone puts something in writing (my fault because I broke our don’t discuss big issues via text rule) it’s so hard to forgive. Trust me…if we make it…I am sure some of the blogs I’ve written would bother him. I don’t think hurt him though…cause I don’t think I have the power to do that. So what to do? He’s trying but I can’t let go of the pain. Sometimes I feel like I’m just receiving his leftovers…from his friends and family. While I can almost finish most of his sentences…I still wonder how much do I truly know about the real him? Yup…after 7 years together (on and off) two people can still be strangers. Has he been receiving my leftovers? In some ways yes because leftovers were all I was raised to give. I cannot fathom being married much less living with a man. It’s not that I’m not up to the challenge but I just know myself well enough to know that I’m only doing all that shit once! Once! I can’t be like Julio…out there doing all this serious stuff with not serious bitches and ending up with nothing. Yea…I’m taking shots…because he always got some shit to say about my love life. ✌?Once. One womb! One man! One husband! That’s what I’m aiming for. Fuck all the rest of them hoes I use to be down with.✌?✌?✌? Only my forever man matters. And what I see in the Ex Factor’s eyes…I still don’t see in no one else’s. ? He’s the only man I can stand to be with for days on ends. Couldn’t stand Julio for more than 30 minutes…even when we were kids…because there is just not enough room for me, him, his ego, and his huge Napoleon complex…but I digress again! Just wanted to make that shit crystal clear because that Julio delusional. Ain’t been checking for him on a serious level since May 2007 and on any level since January 2010! ?? If a man ain’t good for even fucking…he ain’t good for shit! ?? Now back to me and my mind…why won’t I let myself be happy? I want forgiveness so I should be willing to give it too! I want a serious relationship when it’s convenient for me. Believe it or not…some women do have commitment issues! I have had those issues my entire life…stemming from my childhood. ? That love shit wasn’t gonna be for me. Children…a hell no! And a husband….hell naw! ?? But as I have always said…the Ex Factor is a game changer…but am I his? Only time will tell. Until then…why won’t my mind let me rest? ~KJM on Flashback Friday. What do you do when you are in a negative head space?
Archives for November 2017
Every now and then one of my sexually repressed friends/associates will mention that a friend of theirs recently asked them for some advice about sex. ?? I stop dead in my tracks every time…because like…the blind cannot lead the blind! ?? Lets back it up for a moment. When I use the phrase “sexually repressed” I am speaking of a woman where missionary is about the only thing on her agenda…once every six months…naturally. Not referring to anyone who has had sexual trauma or is just out of the game right now because they are taking a break from sex. I’m speaking of that woman or man who grew up thinking sex is taboo and only for reproduction purposes. There are such people. For example, I know some folks who think if a woman sleeps with more than one man…she’s a whore. ?✌?I feel really bad for women…especially…who view other women in this way. A woman with this type of view is definitely having bad sex with her probably cheating husband somewhere! ? Sex is a beautiful thing and as long as two consenting adults are participating in it…what they do is none of my business! ✌? Then there’s the sexually repressed woman who not only thinks that the number of sexual partners a woman has dictates that woman’s level of whoreness ? (got to start making up words for this level of ridiculousness) but also thinks the types of sexual acts a woman performs makes her a whore too! ??✌?I have a few friends like this. They cringe when certain topics come up. That brings me to this week’s cringe worthy topic….the Toss Salad. ? Gabrielle Union just dropped her book “we’re going to need more wine” in which she discusses many personal topics like loving to give her man a nice Toss Salad! ? While I haven’t read the book, I can tell you that this kind of openness sent sexually repressed black women all over into a state of chaos! ? A black woman is being open about her sexual preferences…and she’s not discussing the missionary position!??? I’m sure there is about to be a sermon at some black churches on the sins of the Toss Salad! ?Like…I can’t deal! Lol. Pastor says…like don’t be a Gabrielle Union! ?? But I digress. You guys already know my position on the Toss Salad. While I would never order a man to do it to me, it’s fucking amazing when it’s done right! I found that out from the brief time period that I dated Mister Toss Salad. ?? Now I don’t know much about the Toss Salad but I know enough to know that Mister Toss Salad’s main course was knowing how to eat pussy right and toss an unforgettable salad! That dude probably been tossing salads for over a decade now! Certified…with awards! ??? That’s how good his skills were! And they had to be because he’s the one I have never seen his penis. Felt that tiny odd shaped thing in my hand and vowed never to stare it in its face! ✌???? But I digress again. So I wouldn’t order a Toss Salad and I damn sure am not giving one because who can trust any man to properly wash their ass as well as MOST (not all ?) women do?! ??I mean when I’m washing my ass…I get all in it with my wash cloth. I don’t want no streaks nor shit chips flying…but dudes just don’t care!!!! ? So power to Gabrielle for being able to trust her man like that. I’m already challenged in the blow job area so I don’t even know if I could ace the tossing of my boo’s salad…cause y’all know that the Ex Factor is the only man I would experiment like that with….and he’s more closed off to certain things than I am! I’m still trying to talk him into period sex because I don’t like going a week without him inside of me and my period is extra short and light (always has been) but it’s still a no for him. ?? If we ever get married though, I hope we would spend a lifetime loving and exploring each other’s bodies. ? No matter what folks say…that missionary position just can’t take two people into a lifetime of sexual happiness! ? So what should you get from all of this? Skip asking yourself sexually repressed friend for sex advice and go buy Gabby’s book! ?? Well the first part is real advice and the second part is a suggestion. Lol. Sex, whether you are having it or not, is always going to be a big topic in relationships. Do what’s comfortable for you and your partner. And do not be afraid to explore! If it feels good to ya…chances are it’s good for ya…well at least in the bedroom (as two consenting adults). Be open and don’t let your dried up friends lead you astray when it comes to sexual pleasure! I say toss a salad or don’t toss a salad…that is the question! And it’s your right to answer it how you feel!!! Sex is a form of expression and communication! Just make sure you and your partner are on the same safe page! ?? ~KJM on Hump Day! If you have been tossing a salad and have any tips for my readers please leave a comment…anonymously if you like. I have a feeling we aren’t done with this topic. Lol. Next up will probably be pegging or planking…and I am damn sure not referring to the exercises! ? Happy Humping! Editor’s Note: If you are a victim of sexual abuse and/or assault, please go speak with a licensed sex therapist when trying to rebuild your consenting sexual relationships. This is also true if you suffer from depression! Today’s blog was not geared towards those with real sexual issues. It was really calling out the judgmental sexually repressed friends most of us have! One love?