Let me start off by saying I am a Gemini who is currently on her period! Lol. So that means that today’s thoughts will range from emotional to borderline psychotic! ? Lately, because I have a little more time on my hands than usual, I have been in my own mind. ? The last two months have been great with the Ex Factor! I can see and feel him trying. And that’s a beautiful thing. A couple of times, he has even surprised me in a good way. I love good surprises! ?? Though he gets irritated when I say he surprised me…but bro for real…you haven’t tried this hard in years! ? So of course I’m gonna cheer you on. Lol. This week, when nothing has gone wrong, I start to overthink things. Forgiveness is totally not my thing…well not in a romantic situation. The Gemini never forgets which at times can help sabotage our own happiness. Folks do fuck up…even the Gemini…but still we hold things against our lovers. This isn’t one of our greatest traits. Couple holding grudges with an active brain that loves to replay pain and the Gemini is definitely in trouble! ??? While I can feel him being more present…in ways he had not been…I still cannot help but remember all the hurts from the past 7 years. This may be hard for couples who are newly dating to understand but folks that have been together 5 years or more can feel me on this. I’m choosing to stay on this journey with the Ex Factor and sometimes I resent myself for it. ? There…I said it! My ego and pride says I shouldn’t even be dealing with him but if you ask my ego and pride…they would also tell you that I shouldn’t ever have to go through shit! ??? That’s right! I said that too.? In all my years of dating, with the exception of the Ex Factor, I have never worked shit out with anyone. Anytime Julio and I would get into it (only bringing him up because he’s my only other long term relationship ? *throws up in mouth just a little bit*) I would dump his ass (usually after 3 months) and go date another dude! Later we would get back together but never discuss our issues! We did this for 10 years! ??? If you remember nothing else from today’s blog, please always communicate with your spouse! Continuously sweeping dirt under the rug will always make for a dirty house…from the foundation up!?? But back to me! Lol. Kingston was never meant to go through any bullshit…that is until I realized that I’m not perfect and if I never work through things with someone I love…I’m going to end up alone…like some of the other women in my family. While they went through hell and back with their men…not one (that I know of) aimed to work on themselves…at least not in my parents’ generation! My Great Grandmother Alice was the only woman who broke the mold in our family…as a mother and wife. May God forever rest her beautiful soul. She was one of a kind. ? Thinking that your spouse is always the issue and it’s never you is a recipe for a lonely life! ? Remember this…keeping a man ain’t everything but working on being a better person for ourselves should be everything! ?? Now that I have laid the foundation for this blog…let’s get back to my mind playing tricks on me. The other day I had the urge to go and find the text messages the Ex Factor sent me in April. It was the most hurtful yet nicely written messages I have ever read. Shots fired and I was getting hit in every part of my body. I went numb rereading those messages. Like why would I do this? They weren’t easy to find for I had deleted them from my phone…but had sent them to Grace, one of only two friends I would ever share something so personal with. ? I knew in my text history to her…the messages would be in there. And there I was…reliving his painful words. My sister, Brenda, says that if I chose to stay with the Ex Factor, I should not be bringing up things from the past years! Even though I struggle with this concept…these messages happened in 2017 and it’s still 2017…and I am still hurt. It’s like my mind says…be happy now but never forget!? And once someone puts something in writing (my fault because I broke our don’t discuss big issues via text rule) it’s so hard to forgive. Trust me…if we make it…I am sure some of the blogs I’ve written would bother him. I don’t think hurt him though…cause I don’t think I have the power to do that. So what to do? He’s trying but I can’t let go of the pain. Sometimes I feel like I’m just receiving his leftovers…from his friends and family. While I can almost finish most of his sentences…I still wonder how much do I truly know about the real him? Yup…after 7 years together (on and off) two people can still be strangers. Has he been receiving my leftovers? In some ways yes because leftovers were all I was raised to give. I cannot fathom being married much less living with a man. It’s not that I’m not up to the challenge but I just know myself well enough to know that I’m only doing all that shit once! Once! I can’t be like Julio…out there doing all this serious stuff with not serious bitches and ending up with nothing. Yea…I’m taking shots…because he always got some shit to say about my love life. ✌?Once. One womb! One man! One husband! That’s what I’m aiming for. Fuck all the rest of them hoes I use to be down with.✌?✌?✌? Only my forever man matters. And what I see in the Ex Factor’s eyes…I still don’t see in no one else’s. ? He’s the only man I can stand to be with for days on ends. Couldn’t stand Julio for more than 30 minutes…even when we were kids…because there is just not enough room for me, him, his ego, and his huge Napoleon complex…but I digress again! Just wanted to make that shit crystal clear because that Julio delusional. Ain’t been checking for him on a serious level since May 2007 and on any level since January 2010! ?? If a man ain’t good for even fucking…he ain’t good for shit! ?? Now back to me and my mind…why won’t I let myself be happy? I want forgiveness so I should be willing to give it too! I want a serious relationship when it’s convenient for me. Believe it or not…some women do have commitment issues! I have had those issues my entire life…stemming from my childhood. ? That love shit wasn’t gonna be for me. Children…a hell no! And a husband….hell naw! ?? But as I have always said…the Ex Factor is a game changer…but am I his? Only time will tell. Until then…why won’t my mind let me rest? ~KJM on Flashback Friday. What do you do when you are in a negative head space?
