Sometimes we forget what people truly mean to us…until there is a special moment that reminds us. That moment makes love to our minds and sets our spirit free! ?? I had such a moment with the Ex Factor Monday evening. As we were sitting down and hashing out all the things I’m unhappy with…we actually listened to each other. For the first time since June, I saw a glimpse of the man I fell in love with years ago. Two things I got out of our discussion: 1. He is not intentionally trying to hurt me and 2. Perhaps sometimes I’m looking to be unhappy instead of keeping in mind that both he and I are doing the best we can. I have written before about the dangers of becoming a self fulfilling prophecy when it comes to unhappiness. I guess I forgot to remind myself of this very valuable lesson. ? I get so wrapped up in the things I feel I am not getting from him instead of being thankful for some of the wonderful things he brings to the table. My brother recently told me that my personality is that of “Debow” from the movie “Friday!” ??? Funny…because I always thought I’m peacefully easy going! ? Guess not. I always feel like other women are getting romanced and loved more than me! So I complain!!! Forgetting that almost monthly, I have to ask the Ex Factor to forgive me for some petty shit I have recently done…and he does! ?? Yet I do not let go a thing when he fucks up. I put together a torture plan and then I execute! ? Guess my definition of easygoing is distorted. ? My brother said he’s actually surprised the Ex Factor has not ran away! ?Chill Junior…chill! ✌?Don’t give the Ex Factor any ideas. lol. It is not my intention to be one of those women who is never satisfied. Not my intention at all. So I’m working on it. After our long discussion, I went to wash the number 2 train off of me (see Tuesday’s blog for explanation), then I cuddled with my baby. And that’s when it happened…he kissed me and I instantly remembered why I chose him over Julio and Phoenix in summer 2010. There was still something about him that would draw me back…entice me to grow and be a better woman and a better spouse. ? Gently, I kissed him back and all of a sudden…I could remember our first kiss! It was July 2010, and we had been going on 4 or 5 dates each week…for a month. During that time, the Ex Factor had never attempted to kiss me. Part of that may be because before our first official date, I ran down the rules of dating a grown woman. Rules: keep your hands to yourself, do not find your tongue going down my throat without my permission, and wait for the green light to kiss me. He asked how would he know the light was green? I told him it would be so green….he would not be able to confuse it with any other color. Think Jolly Green Giant green! ? After a month of great dates and me noticing that I was climaxing just by being in his presence (first time that had ever happened with a man)…I tackled him in the parking lot after one of our day dates. ? There he stood…almost 7 feet tall about to hug me…and I kissed him and then bit his neck! ? Sexy! He has never had to wait for the green light ever since…we lay together in a sea of sexually seducing green! ?? The Ex Factor had me way before our first kiss but right there in his kiss…my love for him was reaffirmed. And our love continues to grow.? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. Yea…I definitely turned somebody’s son out! ??? And yes this blog is bipolar as fuck lol I can love and hate him all in one day! ? Love you baby ???
Archives for March 2017
Happy Temptation Tuesday! ?? It has been a while since I have written something ignorant. Today’s a great day for that. Flashback with me and the Ex Factor…to…yesterday. ? If you read yesterday’s blog, it should be fresh in your mind that I clearly had some things that I wanted to speak with him about. Typically I like to bury things and not talk about them until I’m ready to explode? so yesterday when the Ex Factor suggested we spend some time together…I tried to stall. As fate would have it…the universe immediately (and I do mean immediately) sided with him. ? Suddenly my jam packed schedule cleared and I left work late in the afternoon instead of late at night. Guess there was no sweeping the dirt under the rug that day! Ugh…so I signaled to the Ex Factor that we did need to sit down and talk about a lot of things. ? I dread communication and he just does not communicate so I already imagined the night to be an epic fail! ? To be certain that I got my points across clearly, I decided I was NOT going to wash the NYC subway system off of me when I got home. I was going to smell (from head to toe?) like the 2 train!?? Now for those who don’t know…the NYC subway system is old as fuck and dirty yet highly efficient! Right when the smell of piss and shit hits me…that’s when I know I’m standing in the right spot to get on the correct subway car that will swiftly get me to the exit door of the subway once I reach my stop. Yum! ??? I kid you not…I go through this every day when I take the train! One can only imagine how much of those juicy ?smells permeate and stays with us as we go through our day! And god forbid we accidentally sit or step in something suspect! ? Yea…there’s a lot of charm in riding the subway! Wouldn’t trade it for the world though…because it’s efficient and humbling! ?? Now back to this conversation with the Ex Factor. In the art of war (or in this case…the battle of the sexes), one must always come prepared and expect the unexpected! The Ex Factor is always use to me being freshly showered…smelling like baby oil and Love Spell. ? But no not today! I got something to say and I did not come here to play! So the 2 train smell it is! That will make sure all my clothes stay on! ?If I ended up taking a shower after our talk, that would mean things went well. I hinted to the Ex Factor that I wouldn’t be taking a shower via text and he thought I was waiting to shower with him! ? Naw brah…I’m here to negotiate! ✌? He enters the room and I keep my distance…partly because I stink and partly because it’s hard to be annoyed if he’s right in front of me. He’s just so freaking cute! ? But I digress…we ended up talking for over an hour and decided he would make more of an effort to make me feel special and wanted and I would calm the fuck down! ? The evening actually went quite well. But why did I even have to go through such drastic measures to get him to pay attention to me?! I mean there I was…stinking to all damn…smelling like the subway hadn’t been cleaned in months…to successfully have a deep conversation with him!? He claims I did not stink but he does prefer that freshly showered, baby oil, Love Spell body splash, pussy marinating just for him smell. ? Lol. He asked and so I delivered! Lol. After all…all is fair in love and war!? I hope today’s blog is helpful for someone out there….though I am fully aware that some folks smash with dirty vaginas, smelly dick, and moldy balls!???✌? If that’s you and your boo…this type of negotiation won’t work for you! Clearly the smell of shit and piss turn y’all on! ✌?? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday! I hardly can resist the temptation to be ignorant lol Love you baby?
I am so sorry that it’s been a while since I wrote to you! After Black History Month ended, I needed a tiny break to catch my breath. My work schedule is still very hectic and long…yet I am focusing on the blessing and not the lack of sleep! ?? We are now in my favorite season on the Christian calendar…LENT! During these 40 days and 40 nights…I will do my best to share some of the thoughts I am meditating on. The goal is to leave this season stronger in FAITH…even when it is not easy to do so! ?? My personal life has been my biggest meditation so far. It’s the only area I doubt God in…?Yesterday..it dawned on me that next month…April 11…to be exact…marks 20 years that I have known my first love…Julio. 18 of those 20 years…I felt like Julio was a stranger to me. He changed his outlook on love and just never returned to being the boy I fell in love with. I waited for him to shed his cold exterior and to return to the kind loving boy who stole my heart for the very first time. Well…it never happened and one day…I unexpectedly fell out of love with him. My love never returned… They say history has a funny way of repeating itself when we do not learn from our past mistakes and work hard to correct them. I truly believe I am currently in the falling out of love phase with the Ex Factor. Because of my work schedule and his lack of making me a priority…we have hardly seen each other this year and…I FEEL RELIEVED! ? I hate that I feel this way but I cannot help my feelings. Some days I could cut my work day short…even by an hour…and make time for him…but I choose not to. I have been an option to him and never a priority for the last 6.5 years and I think it’s kind of funny that that’s what he has become to me in the last two years…an OPTION! ?? And frankly, I would rather deal with work stress than our weird situation. I know we need to sit down and talk…if for no other reason but the sake of our friendship. It’s no longer a situationship to me…because I’m not even entertaining it. Mentally and physically…I have left that situation but I hesitate to say anything because I know I am beyond exhausted. My thoughts are having thoughts…and even I know how dangerous that is. Besides being super exhausted, I pause before saying what I have been thinking…since 2015…because I do not want to hurt his feelings. One thing I have learned through my battles with love…is if you hurt the person you truly love…it will come back to you…sometimes…tenfolds! ? So I wait…fully aware that everyone (including the Ex Factor) thinks I’m waiting for him to change. So I wait…knowing that I am actually waiting on me to change. You cannot change a man and frankly even if he did make a huge change now…I do not think he would have the ability to make me fall in love with him again. ? I am just so far gone. Checked out. Aware that I have checked out. Gave up on communicating…I really tried but he does not LISTEN. He hears me…but to him I’m just complaining. So I just stopped trying to reach him. When I reached this phase with Julio (January 2010)…I really thought we would overcome it…but by June 2010 I had fallen for the Ex Factor. If history is repeating itself…BOAZ could just be a couple of months away! ?? That is the upside….that new love could be on its way. ? The downside is…even though I prayed for this…I am not enjoying this phase of falling out of love with the Ex Factor. Because I have been here before…I know that there is a great chance we won’t recover from it. And as strong as I am…I don’t want to face it. Part of me is hoping he will read this blog and finally hear me. Because like how do I say…I would rather do anything else than spend time with you, I barely miss you, if we don’t speak for a while I am happier, and our sex life is in the dumps (in my opinion) because I dread your touch?!! ?Oouch! I am really hoping we just continue to slowly out grow each other…where no one has to point out the obvious…where no one has to hurt each other. That’s really what I want. To not have to say these things. I still do not think he will get it but I will always remember saying it…and that will be hard for me to live with. God is clearly not done with us yet…because this chapter of my life (which was just suppose to last for a summer)…has lasted so long. And so I wait…wait for the signal that it’s okay to change, it’s okay to anticipate BOAZ…it’s okay for me to save my smiles for the man that has been praying for me. I love the Ex Factor…part of me always will…but the love I will have for BOAZ will be the type of love that if we ever hit such a phase…we will both fight to make each other fall in love…more deeply…each phase of our love journey to eternity. ~KJM on Charm School Monday! ? Hope this blog was worth the wait!?