Archives for February 2017

Day 18! SAY IT LOUD! I AM BLACK AND I AM PROUD! Today I’m going to do something so bold…I am saluting all Black People who were the FIRST to break into their desired area of interest or the FIRST to do something very revolutionary! Time and time again, I hear people say…”why are we still talking about the FIRST BLACK so and so?!” I will tell you why! If it wasn’t for them…we may never have broken that barrier! To be the FIRST is to have the weight of the world on your shoulders…to be the FIRST is to represent an entire race domestically and internationally…to be the FIRST is to be criticized, challenged, and degraded because no one thought our race could reach that peak! To be the FIRST is courageous! And we will never stop talking about it! ?? #thankyouforpavingtheway #cheerstomanymorefirsts ~KJM on Serenity Saturday?

Day 17! SAY IT LOUD! I AM BLACK AND I AM PROUD! Today I salute all of our Black Athletes! Even when our minds, bodies, and souls were beaten and broken…we had the strength of a 1,000 men/women…in just one body! ?? No one could understand it. We were not to excel…yet there we were…emerging as BLACK EXCELLENCE despite all the odds! They could study our “genetic” makeup and demoralize us with their evolution stories but they would never understand GOD GIVEN talent! ?? “No weapon shall form against us and we shall prosper!” Most importantly, when one of us says “I AM THE GREATEST!”….let us all remember the same! Thank you to all the Black Athletes that stepped in the forefront of discrimination and represented us with the dignity and pride we as a people exude! ??  ~KJM on Flashback Friday?

Day 16! SAY IT LOUD! I AM BLACK AND I AM PROUD! Today I salute the rainbows of melanin that makes Black people so unique and beautiful! ?? I will not hide it, I will not bleach it, and I will not deny its glory. My Black skin is not a sign of oppression for me…it’s quite the opposite. It’s my badge of honor! ?? No matter the judgement I face daily…I do not hate my complexion. I was meant to be a black woman and with that destiny, comes a certain amount of pride and responsibility. I gracefully accept the challenge! ?? My BLACK will forever be BEAUTIFUL! ? #blackskin #blackhistory #selflove ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. 

Day 15! SAY IT LOUD! I AM BLACK AND I AM PROUD! Tonight I salute all the Black Actors and Actresses that broke down barriers in an industry that would rather not tell our true stories at all…but when they attempted to…would have white people pretend to be us…mocking us in black face or play up the roles of a “white savior” rescuing us! ?While their lives may seem fancy…Black Hollywood has never had it easy! There is still a lot of push back when Black actors are awarded leading roles that white Hollywood felt should only belong to them! Often times, we deliver breathtakingly difficult performances, still making less than our white peers, and still have to deal with not being acknowledged for our BRILLIANCE! To add insult to injury, in 2016, we could not turn away from the fact that not much has changed with #oscarssowhite! Well my peoples have stepped their game up and no matter what happens at the 2017 Oscars…it ain’t gonna be so white! We are showing up and showing out! #moonlight #fences #hiddenfigures #blackgreatness ~KJM on Hump Night lol ?

Finally! The SINGLES are emancipated! No more hiding in the shadows! It’s February 15!?? Couples won’t be popular again until Thanksgiving and Spring is on its way! Perfect time to say….SINGLES RULE! ?? Now because I do believe in marriage…but am not sure if it’s the thing for me…there’s only SINGLE and MARRIED in my book! Dating is just dating! ? I have felt that way since I started dating Julio when I was 15 years old. Here I am now at 35 and not much shit has changed. If I don’t have a ring AND a deep commitment…you are just my current chapter. Julio and the Ex Factor are my longest chapters….though Julio and I were in a real relationship during our 10 years on and off. When I was with Julio, I was in a huge self exploration phrase so it just seemed like I couldn’t stand still with one person or in one state! Lol. Even with being as assertive and proud of my singleness as I am…I have to admit that Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day is fucking hard! It’s no easy task to stay secure in yourself while the world and Hallmark keeps selling love during that season! Plus it’s Winter and I’m already grumpy! Not easy at all but SINGLES we made it! To celebrate today, I’m going to count down the top 10 things I’ve grown to love about my singleness! 10. MARRIED FOLKS DO NOT HAVE IT EASY! For every person sad that they are single….there’s like three marriages falling apart! ? Now I don’t have that down to exact statistics but I’m giving my singles a graphic picture of why shit is hard if you choose wrong! Marriage takes so much work and many are not even half equipped for the journey! Long lasting relationships take more than all the “feels.” It’s more like you need to put your blood, sweat, and tears into that shit! And even if you do…it could still fall apart because it takes TWO! ?? So rest assured that if you are still single…you still have the opportunity to choose well but more importantly….the opportunity to choose a partner AFTER you have fallen completely in love with yourself! 9. I WOULD HAVE BEEN DIVORCED! I have said this time and time again…relationships have never been my thing! There were 3 times in my life I could have been married to three different men…but I knew myself all too well! I would be fucking divorced all three times! I wasn’t in love and while I respected two of the men…they deserved a woman who wanted to be their wife! No need to settle for my confused ass! ? Two out of the three are married…and for a very long time. So happy for them! ?? We all made the right choices for ourselves! No regrets! 8. I HAVE DEEP SEEDED COMMITMENT ISSUES! If you have been following the blog from the beginning…then you already know that there are certain things in my childhood that make me hesitant to choose any man! I know I whine a lot about the Ex Factor not committing to me but truth be told…I chose him for a reason! I can love…very confusingly…but I don’t have to give more of myself than I’m willing to. If he had committed to me (seriously)…before trust was broken…I don’t think our relationship would be much more different than it is now. I’m not trying to be his mama and I already got a Daddy! ✌?I imagine that we would check in with each other like we do now…and life would go on with its normal ups and downs. A serious commitment (a title with action to back it up) would have proved to me that he loved me and made it that there was no uncertainty between us. But he chose this route and since I seem to not be able to find a detour…I’m along for the ride…for how ever how long I can stand it! Lol. I rest well at night with the thought that if he never commits to me or I completely get turned off from the idea (dangerously close to that point)…it will be his regret..not mine! ✌?A man can find any woman…but a woman that loves him unconditionally and is willing to grow with him is hard!!! Or so my male friends tell me! Such is life! All I can do is work on me and enjoy life! And I damn sure plan to! 7. I AM NOT SURE THERE IS A “ONE!” I started writing to my BOAZ in September 2016 for many different reasons. Mainly to stay happy, open, and hopeful as I anchor my way in the dating world. For all I know…BOAZ is a man that will take me through certain phrases of my life. He may not be one great man but may be a combination of many. And I’m okay with that. 6. I CAN STILL FALL IN LOVE AGAIN! Falling in love with the Ex Factor was the BEST feeling ever!!! Just think…I’m going to get a chance to love even more deeply! ? I AM GOING TO LOVE AGAIN! ?? While the marrieds have to keep finding ways to fall in love with the same person over and over again…us singles have a shot at new love! Take that shot and be glad you have been given it!?? 5. I LOVE HAVING THE FREEDOM TO TRAVEL! Being single means…I never have to check in with anyone when I book a trip. For example, I randomly had a week off from work in July. On the MONDAY, I booked a trip to fly to Chicago on the TUESDAY! I text the Ex Factor from the airport and FaceTime him once when I was out there. My money and my time…I do as I fucking please and that kind of freedom is priceless! 4. ALL OF MY TIME IS FOR ME! Similar to traveling when I want to…I plan each day based on myself! ?? Hmmm…what’s going to make me happy today? Whatever it is…I get right to it! Don’t have to divide my time with a man. It’s just me and my career. And we definitely FLEX! ?? 3. I HAVE THE ABILITY TO BE UNAPOLOGETICALLY SEXY! ?? Once you are a mother and/or wife, society wants us women to wear a brown paper bag over our heads and hide our bodies! No way! I totally disagree with this stigma for my wife and mommy friends! But society judges them so hard anyways! I, on the other hand, am SINGLE so society cannot tell me to go hide! I’m in this bitch!?? And I define what I should wear. I exude confidence…even though I’m seen as “a woman of a certain age.” They want me to hide too because I’m 35 and not married with children! ? Well…guess the fuck what?! I’m here and I won’t hide! I won’t excuse myself or talk myself out of “a seat at my own damn table!” No way! I’m 35, SINGLE, and confident…so deal with it! 2. HEARTBREAK WILL NOT LAST FOREVER! As a SINGLE person, heartbreak is still inevitable! Either for the relationships that didn’t pan out or the loss from ones that we have yet to get over! But as I said in number 6, we still have the ability to fall in love again as long as we are open and are loving ourselves through all the hurt and pain! All is not lost forever! It’s not our wives/husbands who take us for granted…it’s our girlfriends/boyfriends/situationships! WE CAN AND WE WILL LOVE AGAIN! 1. SELF LOVE! We have been blessed with this time of self exploration! Sure we have been given more trial and error time than most folks around us but that’s not a bad thing. Every year I learn something new about myself that I did not know before. The newness of each stages of our lives can sometimes threaten the relationships we have…especially marriages…if there is not safe space to grow and learn that is filled with patience and understanding! In our singleness…it’s just ourselves that we have to be patient with! Just us! ? So we can grow easily and be at peace with the new level we reached in our lives! We won’t have to apologize to anyone…that we have changed and that we love our change! WE ARE UNAPOLOGETICALLY SINGLE! ?? ~KJM on Hump Day ? 

Day 14! SAY IT LOUD! I AM BLACK AND I AM PROUD! Today I salute the Black Woman’s LOVE for the Black Man! I laid our hands side by side…we are so similar yet so different. His brown skin against my brown skin. Our heart beats are in sync! He…with just one look…knows my story. I do not have to explain to him my pain nor my love. The Black Man is the KING of ALL KING’s in the Black Woman’s world! My King and I have roam the world since creation. And even when we were separated…whether against our own wills or out of our own prideful ways…I yearn for the Black Man like no other man! My heart is for him, my thoughts are for him…hell my womb is for him and only him. My King and I have built nations upon nations through death and destruction. I and only I have the God given power to multiple everything he hands me.?? I push him to his limits…only because I know how great he is…and how great we could be. He is the only man I trust with my secrets. I laugh with him. I dream with him. I hurt with him. I stand in front of him…many times so a bullet will miss him. That…is how deep my love for the Black Man is. He and only he can unlock my joys. I laid our hands side by side once again. There…deep in the midst of the rainbows of our melanin…I see my sons and daughters. I hear them calling us but I do not fear…for my King and I are together and we are up for the task of loving each other and our children forever. To the Black Man, my eternal love, no matter where life may bring us…and even if we do not end up together…please remember that you…are…still…MY KING…and that I will always love you. To all the Black men that have taught me about love…from my father to my brother to my romantic love…I salute you! ?? I have known…no greater love? KING OF ALL KINGS?? #blacklove ~KJM on this Valentine’s Day Tuesday?

Day 13! SAY IT LOUD! I AM BLACK AND I AM PROUD! Today I salute all Black Civil Rights Activists from the past and present! It is not easy to move groups of oppressed people past the tragedies we have faced! Fear could have crippled us but a brave few led our revolutions all around the world! Be quiet no more! Suffer in silence no more! Accept oppression no more! I thank you and your families for being the face of the struggle! It is not easy to be one of the first to say through all the trials and tribulations my people will stand tall, show pride, and reclaim the essence of their blackness right in front of the master’s eyes….no matter the lynchings, beatings, and the mental mutilations of our minds! We are forever grateful! #blackhistory #thankyou ~KJM on Charm School Monday

I have been on one this past weekend! Just a hot damn mess…so I felt it was a good time to write you guys. As a Gemini, my mind can change so often…not because I’m flaky but because my sign can feel two emotions equally at the same time…with one taking over almost every other hour. Lol. Well maybe not quite that frequently but some days it just be like that! ?As the Ex Factor is trying to make things better between us (little by little)…I start to lose my damn mind! I don’t fully trust him with my thoughts. It takes a long while to regain a Gemini’s trust. Some weeks I’m so done and other weeks I’m ready to hang in there. Our situationship is definitely complicated but none more complicated than the thoughts that fly through my mind. Yesterday I kind of snapped! No…I fucking snapped! ? Nothing new had occurred to cause me to go over the edge…I just happened to have too much fucking time to think! Didn’t help that half of Facebook got engaged this weekend! ? While me and my childlike behaviors are no where ready for marriage…I still felt kind of left behind as folks were celebrating their “love” publicly! And here I am in love with Mister Emotionless! ? Anyways, I made several phone calls to folks I trust. Nicole was unavailable and my brother was out…so I considered myself lucky to have gotten Grace! ?? These are really the only three people I feel comfortable discussing the Ex Factor with…because they get my personality! ?? You have to know how to get inside a mad man/woman’s mind to truly be able to guide them. You cannot guide me by using the common standards of most women. I am not like most women! My freedom is everything to me and even though I love…I do have a deep fear of commitment. The Ex Factor and I are alike in many ways. ? Grace got me just right…not by giving me advice but by helping me to acknowledge some of my messed up actions and giving me the courage to correct them! ?? I AM ONLY HUMAN! I will doubt and I will fail but my ass sure will get back up! That’s why I keep my tiny village near! ? Now on to the hot mess that followed. I got off the phone with Grace and called back my friend, Tabitha, who had called me twice yesterday! I avoid discussing my situation with Tabitha because it’s really the blind leading the blind in this friendship. Tabitha was dating an older man with similar commitment issues like the Ex Factor and I. She left him and I respect her decision…though I know she cares deeply for him and misses him. Just like Grace challenges me…I try to challenge Tabitha! ? Being in our own minds all the time is dangerous! Always listening to other people is dangerous too! Got to find a balance in there though because no man can be an island! Last night Tabitha dropped some generalized “truths” on me about men in relationships…especially black men! ? Now I believe she’s really doing what’s best for her and that she truly believes the following myths (as I call them). 3. MEN ONLY MARRY WOMEN THEY RESPECT! Um really because I know lots of married hoes (no better word for them) who were hoes before they got married and their men still married them knowing they cheat! I know dudes who paid for the flights and bus tickets for their women to see their side pieces. Now maybe they didn’t always know this is what their woman was doing but deep down inside…some knew. They just didn’t want to lose her! So Tabitha, why them hoes married? And attract better men than I do? Cause none of my men loved me enough to support that kind of madness!!!! On to the next myth. 2. MEN ALWAYS KNOW WHO THEY WANT TO MARRY! I have heard this mess time and time again! The premise is that if you have been with him for years and he ain’t committing then he never will! I have an uncle (let’s call him Uncle No No) who was with his girlfriend for over 10 years and did not marry her. They broke up and he married shortly after to Auntie No No! Just some random needy bitch he met somewhere. He was convinced she was the one but the rest of us could have told him that he was on the rebound and was marrying the rebound woman! Uncle No No was suffering from a broken heart! Well him and Auntie No No did not last and guess who is back with the love of his life?! Uncle No No! Ladies, stop thinking that because a man marries a woman…she’s the one! Men do shit for so many random reasons. There is no set book (sorry Steve Harvey) that can tell you what’s right or wrong for you and your man! My Uncle, in my opinion, didn’t marry the love of his life because he felt she didn’t need him and that caused lots of insecurities! Auntie No No had about 8 million problems and needed my uncle…until she didn’t! Moral of the story…sometimes who he marries is the one and sometimes she is the place filler! Every man views marriage differently and not all hold it as a high institution. On a break, the love of my uncle’s life had a baby with some random guy. We later found this out. So he married Auntie No No out of heartbreak. He proved a point for about a second and then broke his own heart all over again. True love will always find a way though. He’s back with his love and helping to raise her son…who she named after him long ago! ?? 1. WOMEN UNDERSTAND MEN! Don’t ever kid yourself! The only person who knows why a man does what he does is that man! Another man may have an idea but men are such random, egotistical, and easily hurt creatures that no person nor book is going to sum them up! That’s why getting advice from your girlfriends is usually a bad damn idea! I love to speak with folks who don’t issue advice…they just let me get out what I need to…to get to a peaceful place…to make the best decision I can. I truly believe Tabitha is making the best decision for herself. And I get why she is guarding her heart! I’m terrified too! Always feeling like I’m fighting a losing battle! But love was never suppose to be easy nor like some damn fairytale! And I hear marriage is NOT for the weak! Better get your boxing gloves out and get ready to fight! So I’m challenging Tabitha to follow her heart and not some books and podcasts! If a woman does this then a man will do that…is a losing equation at best and a dangerous game at worst! ?? “Above all else, guard your heart” but please do not sabotage your own happiness in the process! ~KJM on Charming Monday! ? Stay tuned for today’s “Say it loud! I am black and I am proud!” ?? 

I went to bed Thursday night thinking of the Ex Factor but ended up dreaming of another man…one from my distant past. It was my college sweetheart…the one that played football. In the dream…several friends that we knew once upon of time helped me to find him. We were on the West Coast…makes sense since that’s where he is from. Each person would give me one more clue that would lead me to him. I awoke from the dream early Friday morning…happy…so happy. But I was not sure why. I had not spoken to him since 2012 and we hadn’t dated since 2004. We were never in love but he was “my one that got away.” The first guy I laughed with, the first guy to make me feel special, loyal, kind, caring, and the type of guy who opened car doors for me all the years I dated him…even if it was just us and no one else was around. He would be the only man I had ever dated where his “word was his bond.” Most mistakes made in that relationship were on my part because I had been use to being treated badly so when I met a good guy…I didn’t know how to act. My college sweetheart taught me how to cuddle…like really let a man hold me…I could trust to let the weight of the world fall off my shoulders and let him hold all my worries. He was such an amazing person that I held onto that friendship for 8 years after we stopped dating! Our breakup was mutual (we weren’t in love so doing East Coast to West Coast did not make sense). I only finally let go of our friendship because I wanted him to be happy. And I think he is. From what I hear, he’s in a serious relationship and happily in love. Of course, I am over him and he’s just part of my past. So why dream him? I couldn’t make sense of it until today… I can’t be sure but because my college sweetheart represents the best relationship I ever had…he may pop up into my subconscious to remind me that these kind of men do exist. Perhaps I have to walk through fire to be truly ready for BOAZ! And I pray the dream was signaling to me that I’m close. That maybe the pain will go away and true love will find me. I have come to the conclusion that BOAZ will not be who I prayed for but will instead be the man that has been praying for me! There is some guy out there right now…perhaps suffering from a broken heart…that will appreciate the woman I am. Some guy who will always make time for me and want more of me than just my body. Some guy who goes to bed at night thanking God for me. That’s BOAZ. And my dream, to me, represents that all is not lost in my tears and my heartbreak. BOAZ is somewhere in this world going through something similar while God is preparing him for me. Dreams are often not literal. My college sweetheart represents HOPE to me. So God sent him in a dream…to let me know that it will be okay. ~KJM is still awaiting BOAZ on Serenity Sunday. ❤

Day 12! SAY IT LOUD! I AM BLACK AND I AM PROUD! “And let there be light”…. My entire life I grew up in the Catholic Church. The pictures of Jesus I was fed was a blonde hair and blue eyed jesus. No matter what version of him I saw…in my mind and my heart Jesus is and will always be BLACK! ?? Now I don’t care whether people worship a tree or the wind…as long as you aren’t discriminating against, oppressing, or killing anyone in the name of your faith…I respect your right to believe in what adds LOVE and PEACE to your life! But for me…much like my ancenstors who were slaves…a white jesus did not come here to save my soul…while his living relatives oppressed my people’s mind, body, and spirit! No no no! Only a Black Jesus could do such magnificent things! ?? Today I salute my BLACK JESUS! HE could only die for my sins if HE truly knew me, my struggles, and loved me still? ~KJM on Serenity Sunday?