Kingston Expressions

Writer, Editor, & Lifestyle Blogger: Sex, Lust, Love, Celibacy & More 🥰 A woman not afraid to walk in her truth....in style of course 👠 💄

10 Ignorant but True Things about Single Professionals with No Kids in Their 30s

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Let me start off by saying I don’t mean any harm with this blog. However, I think some folks need a wake up call and I’m happy to give it to them. A few weeks ago, I read a blog written by a mom expressing the things us singles or couples with no kids should expect out of her…like rsvping and cancelling many events because….she has children. It was called “6 Reasons My Husband and I Probably Won’t Make Your Event, and Why We Don’t Want You to Take it Personal…” Interesting fact about me is I was a 24/7 full time caretaker of my siblings and cousins for 6 years. They ranged from newborn to teenagers. So while I’m not a parent, I got a sneak peek into this world in the most damaging way. But I did what I had to do for my family and we are all the better for it. In West Indian culture, your family is the one you came to this country with NOT just the ones you create later in life. Every member has a responsibility from birth. No such thing as babysitting. You have a full time duty to your family from birth. I know that may be something difficult for most Americans to grasp but I know for a fact some of you had to help raise your siblings because of special family circumstances. With that being said…lets get to these 10 Ignorant Things You Need to know about US Single Working Professionals in Our 30s (sorry but not sorry):

10. Contrary to popular belief, I do not have loads of free time to socialize whenever I feel like. I’m NOT at the bars 24/7! On average, I work 50-70 hours a week not counting my daily 3 hours commute! I’m married to my job sometimes by choice but other times by the gun to my head called Student Loans! That’s right! Sallie Mae got me by the balls and she don’t play. So stop assuming I just lounge around all the time and my time isn’t just as precious as yours!

9. Because I’m single and/or married to Sallie Mae, I only have ONE income coming in. So when you parents randomly cancel an event that you RSVP for where I’ve already paid for your plate and your drinks….you’ve just financially fucked me with no lub! Now I’m not talking to those parents whose children become suddenly ill and have emergencies. I’m talking to you assholes who ALWAYS RSVP AND CANCEL because…..YOU HAVE KIDS. Well you had them when I sent you the invite! Just tell me NO the first time. I would appreciate that honesty and save tons of money!!!

8. Now to your kids….some of you want to take them EVERYWHERE! My parents came to this country dirt poor, brought me with them, had two more kids, and took custody of at least 5 of my cousins during certain parts of their lives and we didn’t go every fucking where with them! If I ever get married….your kids ARE NOT invited! This is an extra cost for me! If you can find a baby sitter for your spouse’s work banquet then you damn sure can for my wedding! Did you fall and bump your head and subsequently forget that weddings and other ADULT events are extremely costly for the person throwing them?! Did you forget you were once one of us?! Not to mention I’ve been to too many weddings where a baby is crying through a couple’s wedding vows and the rest of us cannot hear a fucking word! This is THEIR big day not church! They never get these moments back and clearly you did not care or else you would excuse yourself as soon as the baby started crying!!!!

7. Contrary to popular belief, most of us do not get 8hrs or more of sleep! On average, I get 4-6hrs! Plus ever since I entered a demanding career, I developed insomnia! So I’m up when you are up most of the time! Now we both made choices so no need to complain about lost of sleep! Parenting is a choice most of the time and so is having Sallie Mae hold on to both my kidneys until I can pay them! God bless the parents that have both the demanding career and kids!

6. Please don’t call me, unless it’s an emergency, when your baby and/or kids are screaming in the background. Now if I call you and interrupt your day, this behavior is totally understandable. But if I didn’t, please don’t be surprise that I request we hang up and if you decide to continue the conversation, that I hang up on you!

5. Please understand that your bridal showers, baby showers, and wedding days are the most important to YOU! While we love you, these events are added expenses for people with only ONE income coming in. So please don’t throw three bridal showers and baby showers and expect your friends and family to bring a gift each time. FYI this happened in real life to one of my friends who was a bridesmaid in her friend’s wedding. There were THREE bridal showers in which the bride expected a gift from my friend each time. They are no longer friends….

4. Once you start to have multiple kids in different age groups please don’t expect gifts from me! If I can find one gift that all the kids can play with or use, I will get it. But once you have more than one child, Christmas gifts from single Auntie Kingston are off! I had a childhood friend who had 3 kids in different age groups and every Christmas would send around a Christmas registry wish list to all her friends! I wasn’t just pissed off for poor single me struggling in school but doubly offended for all my friends who received this registry but also had their own kids to prepare for Christmas! Needless to say I’m no longer friends with this mom….for many reasons! This was just the icing on the cake!

3. Even though our lives are vastly different, I love you…which is why I still invite you to my events even if I know there’s a great chance you won’t be able to make it! I LOVE YOU! No matter what….we are in this friendship for life but let’s try to be respectful of one another. I know we can’t talk every day but let’s not let our differences separate us.

2. Auntie Kingston knows you are overwhelmed so I will show up for you as much as I can. Please don’t get self centered though and forget to show up for me at least some times. If we’ve been true friends this long…that means I value you. I’m a person too! Check in sometimes even if it’s just by text! I get your struggle I really do. But I also look forward to hearing from you. Quality over quantity as we get older!

And 1. If I ever cross over and decide to join your club (whether biologically or through adoption), you are welcomed to treat me the way I described in this blog. I get that my children and my husband will be MY UNIVERSE not yours! ~KJM aka Auntie Kingston loves the kids…for real I do 🙂

Delta Party (No Buddy Crazy)

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I was at a Delta party ordering a soda at the bar and all these men were just staring at me. A few came up to me and ask if they could buy me a drink. I’ve never been a drinker and never been buddy (Jamaican word for dick) crazy so they just need to take their eyes off me! It never pays to be buddy crazy….

Mama Michaels on Charm School Monday’s 

Unsolicited Advice (F*ck Tarts)

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Everyone has a friend or two who just blurts out unsolicited advice all the time. It’s one thing if you asked for their honest advice. You can’t get mad at their response because you asked! It’s another thing when you just want them to listen. Most of the time I just want someone to just listen to me. I’m strong willed enough to find my own way. Anyway…..here’s 10 Things that You should Know about these Unsolicited Fuck Tarts:

10. They are usually very unhappy people. Hence, why they have time to comment on every aspect of your life.

9. Their lives are usually a mess…especially their personal lives. I once had a “friend” tell me that the guy I was dating would eventually leave me for a younger woman just like her boyfriend did to her. I hated to tell her that her and I were NOT aging the same and that we were seeing two totally different type of men.

8. These people cannot keep a spouse happy to save their lives! Think about it…if they are always calling you to hear every detail of your life….someone else that may need their attention is being neglected.

7. They are usually in worst situations than the one they are currently giving you advice on.

6. They are usually lonely or a door mat for someone else yet are trying to live vicariously through you.

5. They may be jealous of you and how you live your life.

4. There’s no way in hell they would actually do what they are advising you to do!

3. They may be mentally unstable or depressed. Some people are just clinical.

2. They are not a real friend if they try to control your life, cut you off if you ignore their unsolicited advice, spread your business to others, or try to put you down when you do what’s right for yourself.

And 1. This is the most important thing to remember….these people have a piss poor sex life! Because if they were “laying the pipe” or getting their “50 Shades of Grey” on….there’s no way in hell they would have time to be up in your Vicky Secrets! A good climax has no time for gossip. Multiple orgasms do not have time to pick up the phone and listen to other people’s business. They are too busy cuming! Well I’m off to experience my next orgasm! Hope this was helpful! ~KJM telling people who give unsolicited advice to fuck off…literally!

A New York Heaven (Hudson River Glows)

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“Allow Me To Introduce Myself”….My Name Is Kingston Jael Michaels

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Kingston Jael (JL) Michaels is an alias I am writing under. Kingston represents my birth place of Kingston, Jamaica, Jael is my adopted niece’s name…representing the next generation of Jamaican Americans, and Michaels is my father’s name. If you know my real name, I ask that you NEVER use it on this page.  Kingston Jael is a single, educated, and professional woman who graduated from the GREAT Pennsylvania State University! WE ARE!  There is so much more to me but in order to separate my day job from this hobby, I am very careful not to reveal too much. *Disclaimer: Everything on this page is for entertainment purposes only.  You will not receive legal nor financial advice here.*  Now let’s start this journey!  ***In Loving Memory of Alice, Gloria, and my most recent angel, Michele Monique Johnson.

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