I recently read that “forgiveness is a conscious choice we must make everyday until we are free from hurt.” Definitely paraphrasing a meme and really do not remember who wrote that quote. Forgive me. We are still in the midst of the pandemic and so much suffering has occurred. Death is real and close. It’s a crazy time and my mind just cannot hold water most days. The last two years, I have barely written a blog. Not because I have writer’s block but simply because I have been suffering on so many levels. Starting with one of my brothers (not Junior) getting unexpectedly locked up in January 2018. And he’s still locked up. He has never been in trouble and here we are two years later….devastated. It is like he took the wind out of my sail on a beautiful sunny day as he broke my heart. Within two months of him being arrested, I gained 20lbs that to this day I have to fight to keep off. I’m currently practicing YOGA (for one year and two months now) and PIYO (just one week now) to help keep my weight down and keep my mind stable. Stable?! This pandemic moves different than anything I have experienced in my lifetime. I am confused. I am sad. I am mourning….yet I shall keep going. I have to. We all have to. From inside of our homes, we have to keep going. But I digress. Forgiveness! If you have been reading this blog over the years, you know I struggle with it…especially on a romantic level. I have never seen my parents forgive each other for shit! They just kept sweeping dirt under the rug until it exploded all through their dirty ass house. Filth (meaning this emotionally because both my parents keep a clean house/apartment) between two lovers is all I have ever seen up close and personal. My dad still talks about 1979 like it was just yesterday (and not in a good way…SEE blog about 1979) and my mother is as delusional as ever. Married almost 37 years this December and separated almost 11 years this November…these two are more than lost. But can the lost find their way? Hell….if I know. I have always heard that you can have a bad couple of years with someone you love but you have to fight (together) to get on the other side of it because there is so much good on the other side. But what if this is not true in all situations? What if that is not true for my locked up brother? And what if that is not true for me and the Ex Factor? In the pandemic, I feel….the Ex Factor and I are stronger than we were outside of it! What in the ever loving fuck?! What does it say about us that we are trying a little harder to listen to each other and be there for each other as we are surrounded by sickness and death?! Matter of fact…we were going to separate for good right as the pandemic hit! When the world went completely mad, I did something I have rarely done since I have known him….I made a conscious choice to reach out to him. There goes that phrase again….CONSCIOUS CHOICE. Can an unconscious person make a conscious choice?! Because who in the hell is conscious during this global pandemic?! Anyways….I do not think I could do this pandemic without the Ex Factor. And God bless my family for supporting me during this time. I know for a fact I could not go through the pandemic without them. My parents have done a lot to keep me safe and make sure I have all the essentials. That…I am grateful for. But ah yes…forgiveness. How soon we forget that it is not an easy process (maybe for some of us…maybe for all of us). Some days….nothing that I know of will go wrong yet I will replay every terrible thing the Ex Factor has said to me in the last 5 years. Our bad 5 years. He has said stupid shit the first 5 years too but most of that I chucked up to growing pains. These last 5 years have been horrible. Some small good moments and huge bad ones. Hmmm….I just had a thought. Does he replay the dumb shit I have said to him over the last 10 years?! Shit…I hope not. My mouth is reckless and takes prisoners almost on a monthly basis. Use to be on daily basis but I have grown so much. Lol. Now I only cuss folks out like they grand mama stole something from me when deeply provoked. Y’all can thank YOGA for that growth in me. I cannot be namaste-ing and cussing everyone the fuck out. My spirit just do not roll that way anymore. Lol. I want and need peace in my life. I want and need love in my life. But once again…what if there really isn’t any good on the other side of all I have been through with the Ex Factor?! What if this is it?! Just hell on earth? I am so far removed from when I went through it with Julio that I cannot remember what it felt like…except for the one time he broke up with me at the end of my first year of graduate school. I still remember all the crying I did in Summer 2007. (SEE Summer 2007 blog) Other than that….it’s all a distant memory. My love for Julio and my out of love for Julio. All of it…gone now. But…I do remember this…Julio and I never made it to the other side of the bad. Things never got better. And one day I was completely out of love AND attraction for him. Just like that…all the pain was gone but so was the love too. Proof of that would be that I have not nor have I wanted to lay eyes on him over the last 10 years. The minute my gaze met the Ex Factor’s gaze…it was like Julio never existed. Gone. All of it…gone. Maybe that’s how things will end with the Ex Factor too…with him being a distant memory compared to a new love. Or maybe I will be one of the lucky ones and finally get to the other side of pain with someone I love. In sickness and in health. And until death does us part…. ~KJM feeling the feeling on Hump Day. My friend/sister Nicole has been the biggest supporter of this blog from day one. She has been encouraging me to write more and to vlog more. Nicole, thank you for believing in me. I am trying to get back to me as soon as possible. To Nicole and all of my readers…do not give up on me. One Love 💙
