Archives for June 2017

Yesterday’s “Awaiting BOAZ Letter 10” was the most powerful letter I have written so far. The response was big (for my blog) and the comments kept me inspired. However, there was one thing still really bothering me. I felt so uncomfortable in my current situationship with the Ex Factor. At first…I thought this feeling came from me being unsure of what I want to do next but that wasn’t it. It was deeper. I’m not confused…I’m just trying to persuade myself that I’m really leaving him this time for I don’t want to keep disappointing myself nor do I want to end up a spinster. ? Still…there’s this feeling I carry with me. Even though I’m use to readers ripping every little thing about my life apart…it comes with the territory of being a lifestyle blogger…I am afraid of being viewed as weak. Since 2010, people have told me (folks that I never asked their advice) that it won’t work. ?There were so many easier years with him that I bailed. Now…when things are at their ugliest with the Ex Factor is when I want to stay down?! It’s the craziest thing. I must be insane! There are better men that can commit easily but that does not mean I will care for them! And the Ex Factor (I’ve said this repeatedly) is the first and only man that’s ever truly made me consider having children. Even if I move on (or when I move on)…my womb is not interchangeable and neither is my heart. Some say I’m settling and they are so right…but in my opinion…there are two types of settling: (1) Choosing anyone to settle down with and (2) Staying with a person you care for knowing that you need more and they just aren’t giving more. These are tragedies most of us have seen (one or both) in a lifetime (and I know this for a fact as I have many friends on their second marriages and some even headed for their third. No judgement here…just an observation). It’s a disaster to settle for any reason but to me the former is unbearable. I did it with Mister Toss Salad AND Elijah. SETTLED! ? Both could commit more than the Ex Factor…so I went with them. Every day with a man I did not care for nor could really stand was heart wrenching. I could feel my spirit leave my body. I could feel my soul dying. I thought I had died. Love is not like finding a better job….a resume can say yes this is the one…but your heart says no. I’ve had friends that dated a man for ten years and then he went off and married someone else. Then I have friends that either married the same person twice (after much growth) or dated for years…broke up and then found each other again and married. Then I have some friends/associates who stayed down for all those years…in the trenches…and are now engaged or married! ?? One never knows how the story will pan out! ? While I am aware of what the odds were in each situation and I know that the odds are not in my favor…I have to be the one to decide if and when I leave. I’ve done it before…and he always comes back and finds me. I’m sure we are both comfortable, exhausted, and frustrated over the whole damn situation. ? And maybe you guys are even tired of reading about it. Lol. Sorry about that. But I believe what’s for me is for me! Julio was very much in my life when I fell for the Ex Factor! And no one thought I would ever permanently leave Julio…but I did. So if there’s a better man for me than the Ex Factor…God will open my heart and my mind like HE did 7 years ago! And if God would be so kind…maybe He will work on the Ex Factor’s heart. If not…I still have faith that love is on the way. ?? I feel that now more than ever. Lastly, if I’ve come to you for advice (very few people in this circle), I am not upset at any advice you gave because I ASKED! I only get annoyed with the folks giving out unsolicited advice knowing that their shit is just as messed up! ✌?Miss me with all of that! ✌? No matter what…God has not abandoned me so through Him…I’m going to continue to work on myself. That’s all I can do. I cannot control the Ex Factor…though I’ve tried at times. To my friends…thanks for sticking with me on this journey! To my readers, I could never have grown so much without you all. Writing is so therapeutic for me. I heal as I write every word. Thank you! ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. And if anyone is wondering…I’m still an open agent to meet new guys. If an interested man is reading this…you won’t have the same luck/luxury the Ex Factor did. You better be about that WIFE life and appreciate the journey I went through to get to you! ? Lastly, to Nicole, Grace, and my brother, Junior…thanks for believing in us and giving hope to the hopeless. I understand that my decisions are mine to make but it’s so great to have you guys to confide in. I hope you never get tired of it! Lol. And if I ever grow into being a great wife…from some deserving man…it will be from the skills you all taught me. ? 

“Key paragraph!!! I think you are looking for perfection and it simply doesn’t exist. A woman is meant to sharpen her other halfs tools given to him. Looking for perfection is like waiting for Jesus to come back. I’m not saying you must wait or sharpen just any man’s tools. And what I mean by tools are the gift to love, provide, and to be able to father your young. My question to you is are you strong enough to sharpen ones tools? Are you willing and able at the drop of a dime? Are you capable of loving through the rain. Us men are suppose to do a fair share of the work, I’ll give you that. At the same token, sometimes it takes pushes and falls in the right direction. Are you that somebody?” ~Junior, KJM’s wise brother. Refer to the picture that goes with this quote to see exactly what part of Richelle’s article Junior is responding to…well he’s really responding to me based on Richelle’s article. Lol. I am a work in progress…?????? 

Well I never thought I would be writing Boaz so early in the month but I came across an article called “What If God Doesn’t Send Your Boaz” by Richelle Henry. While very well written and thought provoking…I could not help but to get to the end of the article…PISSED! What does she mean God may not be sending me a BOAZ? I thought it was a done deal for a Christian woman willing to wait on God?!! I not only pray about Boaz but I’ve been writing to him since September 2016! Who in the heck has been getting my letters then? I mean…I get that UPS, Fed Ex, and even USPS lose packages but not GOD! ? Why would He send me anything less than what He sent Ruth? I am a hard worker! And while I have no mother in law to be loyal to…I sure would be given the circumstances. In my mind…I am Ruth…minus the fact that I probably sin more! ? Why would the Good Lord have me waiting at age 36 for anything less than BOAZ himself?! Better yet…whom might I be waiting on?! Thankfully Richelle does answer this last question in her article: 5. MOSES! “But what if God sent me a Moses?
A man who is a leader, but sometimes emotionally driven and in need of my assurance to stand in the fullness of who He was called to be? Although Moses was called, He still felt extremely inadequate and battled insecurities that almost caused him to forfeit the leader that the Lord was trying to pull out of him. What if it were my responsibility to encourage him into his identity?” MY RESPONSE: Now Lord you know I’m short on patience so why would you send me a Moses?! Not to mention I’m so tired of securing insecure brothers! I am exhausted from trying. There is no way I would be the right woman for Moses. And who is going to secure me?! Who is going to make sure that I still have my identity?! Moses seems like too much work! ✌?4. ELIJAH! 
“What if God sent me an Elijah?
A man who has had his share of great victories but still wrestles with fear in such a way that he falls into bouts of lowness and crushing depression? Could I be the woman that God has sent to help draw him out of those cave moments and like the Angel did with Elijah, speak the words, “get up and eat?” Could I be a woman of patience, grace, and love to look beyond his bouts of discouragement and see the man he’s destined to be? (See 1 Kings 18 & 1 Kings 19)” MY RESPONSE: Already dated an Elijah and that was an epic fail! Once again…I lack patience and the ego of this man is HUGE when he is on his high and borderline psychotic when he is going through his lows. I am not worthy of such a task. Passing on Elijah too! ✌?3. JONAH! 
“What if God sent me a Jonah?
A man who has a sure call upon his life to deliver a difficult message, only to be so discouraged with the mantle of his calling that it sends him running? Could I be the woman who, like the whale, was sent to remind him of the importance of obeying the voice of the Lord the first time? Could I be the woman who is sent to help him instead put his fears to flight, instead of his purpose? (See Jonah, Chapter 1)” MY RESPONSE: JONAH WHO? Totally missed this story in the Bible! Let me flip through some pages to get caught up. ? Ok…now I am back! Good Lord, you know I’m a runner in my personal life. How can I keep Jonah on track if I’m sprinting away?! ? Jonah is just not the one for me…I shall text him this message as I am hailing a cab out of town! ✌? 2. ABRAHAM! “What if God sent me an Abraham?
A man who has received a word to leave everything behind and just follow the Lord to a land that He would soon show him? A man who received a promise and didn’t have the patience to wait for it? Could I be the woman to help him steward the word of the Lord properly and correctly? Could I be the woman who has a husband who receives direction to leave a place of familiarity and help my husband walk forward in absolute and unrelenting faith in obedience to the Father? (See Genesis 12)” MY RESPONSE: Um…last I check dude would not even go on a trip with me so how am I to convince him to leave all he knows?! He’s joined at the hips with his boys. I cannot get him to even bring me a pizza if a basketball game is on! ? Abraham needs direction? Say what?! Only you can guide him Lord. I’m too busy getting angry when he’s not there for me…much less to be patient in asking him to believe in your plan. No…Abraham takes too many years of long hard work! We are talking about the fate of generations to come. I am not sure I’m up to the task! ✌? 1. DAVID! “What if God sent me David?
A man after God’s own heart but had a past of infidelity, adultery, and murder? Clearly, this man was chosen by God but had a past filled with all sorts of things that would cause many to question his qualification to be used by God. Could I be the woman to help purge the record that holds his confidence hostage and loves him for who He was called to be, not who He used to be? (See 2 Samuel 11)” MY RESPONSE: Wait just one minute! That’s a lot to swallow! Infidelity, adultery, AND murder?! ✌? I am about to fall out…so for real…what’s up with BOAZ cause this can’t be what you have in store for a woman like me?! ~KJM on Hump Day. Lord, I’m still praying you will bless me with BOAZ because awaiting a MOSES, ELIJAH, JONAH, ABRAHAM, or a DAVID?is going to take all my strength, prayers, faith, and hope. Am I really the woman you meant to send to them? I feel so unprepared… maybe you know something I don’t…see something I cannot?! ?? Here is the link to the original article I responded to with this blog: http://marriedandyoung.com/god-doesnt-send-boaz/. 

When I woke up this morning…I was so sure that I knew what I wanted to share with you today. In this current moment, however, I hesitate…because it’s something I have alluded to but now that it’s before me…I have to deal with it and I just don’t want to. Yesterday, I got so upset with the Ex Factor for going to the gym (like he usually does) instead of carving out some quality time for me. In the midst of me cussing him out and making myself tear up (publicly?)…I forgot to remind myself that when I went off to Vegas, I had promised myself that I would be done with him! After all…the “Sleeping Penetration” incident still had me frustrated. ? In the throws of my tantrum, I contacted Nicole, one of the few friends (married) I have that will hit me with the ugliest truth. I complained to her and asked her a series of questions. Like do I suffer from low self esteem and just don’t know it?! ? Nicole’s answer after she asked me some follow up questions was stone cold truth…she said “No but you are not good at relationships. LOVE IS TOUGH!” ?? Nicole reminded me that I was great at friendship and that’s a good place to start when trying to sort out my personal life. ?? I’m always there for my friends and I often easily forgive them for things…not holding grudges. Why could I not do that in my personal life?! Make no bones about it…the Ex Factor is a piece of fucking work! No one is making excuses for him but my growth is not measured by what the Ex Factor does…it’s based on the lessons I learn, lessons I apply, and how far I am willing to get out of my comfort zone to achieve the life I want! ?? So many folks have told me to leave the Ex Factor (and I completely fucking agree and I have many times!) but they miss that we are toxic to each other…it’s not just him. I am by far no weak woman! I come for him and I’m slick with my mouth. Probably snipped off his balls so many times in the last 9 months that I’m not sure what’s under his dick and lawd knows I barely have been attending to down there in the last year so I really have no clue about that area. lol. It’s a mystery to me though I know it’s the best place to attack. But I digress. ? Nicole mistakenly thought sex connected me and the Ex Factor. ✌? I am one of the few women I know that cannot fall nor stay in love through sex. Crazy, from my college days, taught me that. I was dick whipped for once in my life and never truly fell in love. After Crazy…I was never dick whipped ever again and almost love proof! ??Most of my sexual experiences have been made up of me having sex that does not involve love. I can hear Harmony on the West Coast getting up and clapping! She and I are two of a kind. ?Through the “Sleeping Penetration” episode…I could have been on the moon and back and the Ex Factor would have been none the wiser. Sex, for me, does not connect us. I actually think it brings us further apart. I…feel…nothing. It’s been like this for at least the last two years except for on two occasions: our birthdays last year. Other than that…I am more connected to eating a slice of Linda’s fudge cake from the Cheesecake Factory with whipped creme than having sex with the Ex Factor or any other man for that matter… So what connects me to this toxic cycle? It took me a while but then I figured it out….PAIN and LACK OF FORGIVENESS! If I hold over his head the things I told him I have forgiven him for…we stay connected. I have tried to forgive but just can’t. Shit from 2010 until now…I cuss him out for. Hence yesterday’s disagreement. I wasn’t pissed about him going to the gym like he always does…I was pissed for all the times over the 7 years that I felt abandoned and neglected by him! ? It gets better…y’all stay with me on this. If I say something hurtful, I demand forgiveness and he gives it but if he does….I damn him to all damnation. Run his name out in these streets and remind him that he ain’t shit! ? Because we as women have been taught that if a man says something you better believe it and take it as law…I saw no need to forgive. He made his law by opening up his mouth and any words shall be used against him in the Court of Kingston! ?? A man is not entitled to be in his feelings because that’s a female trait! He should have no feelings! And he certainly should not make any mistakes. These are the things I tell myself at night before I go to bed. It’s like I like mentally torturing myself. As I continue my conversation with Nicole, she tells me that she cannot tell me what to do…all she can do is listen. Truth be told…that’s all I needed…a listening ear that wasn’t tired of hearing my same complaints. ? That’s when I confessed something to Nicole…something that maybe you (my readers) have picked up on. In my 21 years of dating…I’ve never stayed more than 3 months with any guy without needing a break! THREE MONTHS! That’s generally how often I need to take a vacation to clear my mind. If I can’t take a vacation or go on a road trip every three months…I start to lose my mind. I feel trapped and unhappy. The only exceptions to this 3 month rule are (1) the 7 torturous months I spent with Elijah and this last year with the Ex Factor. In the Elijah relationship, I purposely tried to hang in there knowing I wasn’t feeling it. I mean he could commit…as long as I did commitment his way! ??I did not love him though I tried hard to convince myself I did when he dropped the L word. But…I…was…always…somewhere else mentally especially after that rip in my asshole incident! ✌? I hung in there not because Elijah was special but because I knew I had an issue with commitment and I was trying to conquer it! ? I scream commitment but I’ve never ever done it. You see the Ex Factor and I are of the same flesh. Matter fact over half of my married male and female friends I disagreed on who they were marrying (silently of course). Stuff had happened in their dating stages that I just knew I could never get over. Ironically, most of them are happily married…flaws and all. And most of their spouses are like sisters and brothers to me. Great flawed human beings. But because I don’t get over hurt easily….I would have given up on a potentially great husband! ? I’ve said this before…I could have been married 3 times to 3 different guys but was not in love with them and pretty sure they did not really KNOW me and my family history well. My parents have been unhappily married for almost 34 years! Both spent a great amount of time leaving the other and neither wanted to work it out at the same time the other did. Not to mention…NEITHER OF THEM HAVE EVER FORGIVEN EACH OTHER FOR SHIT! ? Often times when we try to gather as a family…my father will bring up 1979 (year before he met my mother and wished life would have stayed that way…never meeting my mom…that is except he does not regret having us kids) and my mother still brings up every mistake my dad ever made since they have known each other. ??? I roll my eyes so much when they start talking….not realizing I too am stuck in 2010 (the year I wish I had never met the Ex Factor) and still bring up all the fuckery from 2010 until now! ? I don’t know how to work through stuff romantically and I damn sure don’t forgive in that area either! ? Nicole told me to start with what I’m good at…friendship…and to remember LOVE IS TOUGH! I have so much more work to do on myself. Even if I left the Ex Factor tomorrow…I would be the same person doing the same shit. I don’t know why 3 months…why I leave within three months…even if I’m dating a great guy like my college boo, the football player. It’s like I woke up one day saying…we were way too happy and now it’s time to fuck it up! Funny thing is I work through friendships even if I shut down for a while. I see them through consistently until I realize that we are better friends for what happened or I realize that what is broken cannot be fixed! Besides my immediate family, my childhood bffs, Jessica (known her since we were 5) and Zack, met him the first day of college at the Great Pennsylvania State University on the bench in front of Fenske Lab, are the only two life long friends I have. To both of them I pledged that we don’t separate…we don’t say goodbye…for we are forever connected. Even when Jessica had her aneurysm and Zack got married and started a family…I’ve kept that promise to them because you don’t walk away from people you truly love in a forever kind of way. That’s unique to me. Every time I cut a friend off I’ve had for over a decade and change (with good reason)…Zack gets worried because things are changing yet I always remind him that he and I are forever. No matter what happens…forever. Everyone else is replaceable. If only I could love romantically that way. Both Jessica and I….and Zack and I have only had one major fight and once we got over that hump…we never fought again. Reason being…I love them just as they are…flaws and all. 31 years of friendship with Jessica and 18 years of friendship with Zack. And counting?? These are my confessions. ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. I know I am a lot to handle but please stick with me on my journey. I think there’s something so beautiful on the other side. ? 

The 5th book in what has now become my Spring Reading Series was “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman. I HIGHLY recommend this book whether you are married, dating, or just looking to improve your next relationship (that has not occurred yet) from the jump (like me). ?? I wish I had read this book 7 years ago but better late than never! ?? I learned that my love language is Quality Time and I think the Ex Factor’s love language is Words of Affirmation. Doesn’t help that I spent the last nine months telling him he wasn’t shit. ??? And he took away my quality time around the same time. Subconsciously we learned each other’s love languages and used them against one another. ? Don’t worry…Gary got me straight now! ?? As I read each chapter, I learned that (1) we develop our primary love language as children, (2) our primary love language does not ever change though another love language could become more important at certain parts of our lives…but only our primary can completely full our love tanks, (3) couples rarely have the same love language, (4) even if they do, they will most likely speak different dialects, and (5) we sometimes have secondary love languages. Wow! Did you get all of that?! Those are the major lessons I learned from this book. Gary points out that many of us show love through our love language and this explains why there is sometimes a disconnect with us and our partners. He tells us that we must learn to speak our partner’s love language even if it makes us uncomfortable (not abusive though) or it is not easy to do because giving love is just as important as receiving it! And we must not manipulate our spouses through the love languages! ?? The chapter that spoke to me the most was how do we love our spouse when we dislike or hate them! This chapter was everything! I’ve gotten to the point where I barely like looking in the Ex Factor’s direction! And that “Sleeping Penetration” episode he pulled before I left for Vegas did not help! ? I mean if sex goes…what is left?! Not much. So I sat with Gary’s book on my flight back to the East Coast and realized that I believe in love, this book is genius, and I believe in fighting for a marriage as long as there isn’t abuse or infidelities (continuous) involved. But I think Gary’s advice does not apply to the Ex Factor and I’s situationship. I’m not sure if I would even apply his advice to a boyfriend…though it dawns on me that most husbands were boyfriends first! ? As I try to seep through my mess, page by page, I did not just focus on my empty love tank but I became ashamed of the way I’ve been speaking to the Ex Factor. Yes he has not been good to me but I sure would feel better walking away knowing that I was always good to him. In many ways I have been good to him and loved him the best I could…but these last 9 months man…I’ve become my parents to each other…verbally abusive! And that’s a tough fucking pill to swallow! ? I am not that woman. When Julio and I split for good in May 2007…I was crying on the phone and the last thing I said to him was “we were suppose to get married and have children like you always wanted.” In that moment, I was asking Julio to be patient with me and have faith in our love. But he decided against it. To this day…he lives with that regret…NOT ME! Because I walked away with my heart open and speaking of love. That’s the type of ending I had hoped for with the Ex Factor and I. Instead I’m left with that bitter taste in my mouth…the taste of the poison we had poured into each other over the last two years! ? That’s the thing about the 5 Love Languages….if you are really reading with an open mind, body, and soul…your focus will be more on giving love than receiving it. We can all work on loving others better! What’s your love language? ~KJM on Charm School Monday. Next up on my Spring Reading list (6th book) is “Seat Of The Soul” by Gary Zukav. This one looks like it’s going to be deep!