I think about her sometimes. Is she okay? Has she eaten? What is her life like now? I still think about her sometimes…. Who is she? The woman that changed the direction of what could have been my forever. The woman Julio left me for in Summer 2007. I know. I know…it is so odd to think about a woman that lead to one of my greatest heartbreaks but I do. You see….out of every guy I have ever dated…I trusted Julio completely. This is why I never suspected anything when he suddenly dumped that crazy ultimatum on me…the summer after my first year of graduate school. Julio said it was either a family with him now (and maybe I could go back to school in a few years) or nothing. I chose my education. No regrets there. What’s for me will always be for me!!! Yet I think about her sometimes. It is not like she haunts me. That’s not how I think about her. To me, she’s like an associate from the past that I have never ever met. Matter of fact, I did not know of her existence for sure until October 2009, the Fall after I graduated from graduate school in NC. I graduated Spring of 2009. Not the best time to graduate after an economic recession but “still I rose.” Julio confirmed her existence when he resurfaced in October 2009. If memory serves me correct, they were just breaking up and he was in the process of moving out of her house. What her? The woman he left me for. The summer he broke my heart, Summer 2007, I never thought it was because of another woman. That is how much I trusted Julio! I thought….he has always wanted marriage and a family….and I never did (in all the years we dated). We knew this when I was 15 and he was 16. It also never occurred to me that Julio gave me such a horrible ultimatum because he knew me well enough to know what my answer would be! Julio knew how important my education was to me. How important it was for me to always find my own way. Listen to my own voice. He knew…so he did the cowardly thing and lied to me….instead of saying…hey I met someone at work here in NJ and I think our ideals are more aligned. That shit would have hurt twice as much as his ultimatum but at least the truth would have set me free. I probably would have cried less over him because you cannot make a man stay anywhere he does not want to. Matter of fact, same goes for strong women! You cannot hold us down. Sad truth is…even a weak man chooses himself while it takes a strong woman to choose herself! Madness! Yet I think about her sometimes. Why? From what Julio told me, she was an older woman. They fell in love and tried to have children. She had several miscarriages until she gave birth to a stillborn baby. I do not remember the baby’s gender. I cannot remember if Julio shared that piece of information with me. But he shared enough. Enough for me to be devastated more so for her than him. From what I could gather, Julio left her because she could not have children. Maybe there was more to the story. But when I heard that…my 28 year old heart sank for that woman. What a cruel reason to leave her. If it was true love, he should have stuck it out. Yes I was campaigning for the woman who encouraged Julio to break my heart. We women have to stick together! Plus she had to have loved him deeply to continuously try to give him children that she ultimately could not bare! My heart breaks every time I think of all she endured! I mean living through my grief in Summer 2007 was no easy task but even with all the crying and giant Hershey bar eating…I survived that shit. I AM STILL STANDING! Julio shattered my heart but he did not break me. I completed my education and right under his nose I fell deeply in love with someone else, the Ex Factor. That was Summer 2010. It was a defining summer. Three years later after Summer 2007, I would love again. I would hope again. And for the first damn time in my entire life…I would continuously dream of my son’s face. None of that could have happened without this woman. She changed the trajectory of my life. She saved me from entering marriage and family life BY FORCE. Without her, I would never have dreamt of having a family. A dream I never ever thought was possible with Julio!!!! And just that dream alone is worth the heartbreak I went through in Summer 2007! Up until almost three years ago, when Julio was still trying to come back into my life, I told him that that lady was most likely the love of his life and he should have never ever left her because she cannot have children. The fucking children he STILL DOES NOT have to this day! What a fucking mess that Julio is. Last I checked, more like he checked, Julio was still sadly unmarried with no children. I truly hope that has changed for him though a huge part of me instinctively knows that it has not. Julio is probably still the same selfish and self centered motherfucker he has always been!!!!! Yet I think about HER sometimes. I hope she has found happiness. Found someone to love her as is. Maybe even finally had children of her own whether they are biologically hers or not. I hope Sis really found that kind of eternal love that would not abandon her ever again! Yes! Yes! Yes! I know I’m special for thinking so positively about a woman that did me so much harm. But I look at it like she freed me at a time I could not free myself. I look at it like she exposed the real Julio. If there was no her, I would not have experienced half the good (AND bad) I have experienced in love and dating since Summer 2007. She freed me and I am forever grateful but don’t go thinking I’m a saint. No…I am not because while I think about her sometimes…sometimes my thoughts are ‘I don’t know the bitch, never met the bitch, but I sure wish that bitch a better life than the one she stole from me!’ Lol! Hey…I am only human. Lol. ~KJM reminiscing on Flashback Friday. One love!